


one step at a time they say

by BooksXandXrainbows



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, But it gets better eventually, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Slow Burn, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, They all need a hug, You've got to work hard for it, everyone has something to deal with, gross hospital food, its not all too explicit, psychiatric hospital, self-harm (mentioned), shit gets intense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-24 02:35:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 56,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12003174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksXandXrainbows/pseuds/BooksXandXrainbows
Summary: The radio is playing silently in the background and Alec desperately tries to focus his mind on the upbeat song coming out of the speakers. He's scared of the weeks or maybe months that are lying ahead of him. But he's also aware that this is way overdue. He'd been putting it off for a while now and it hasn't done any good to him and anyone else around him. And one fateful day, after a nasty breakdown of his, Izzy had taken the decision out of his hands and had him admitted to a psychiatric hospital.This is a story about growth, friendship and love on the bumpy road that is recovery.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I'm publishing, so please bare with me. Also I'd like to apologize for my punctuation and any writing mistakes that might occur.  
> I wrote this fic based on my own experiences and tried to keep it as realistic as possible, meaning:  
>    
> 1\. Love doesn't magically heal you from your mental illnesses. It can support you, yes. But you've got to work through it yourself!!!  
>    
> 2\. Yes, even hospitalized, depressed and traumatized people joke around about their illness and god whatnot. Despite the seriousness of it all, people tend to be humorous (without hurting others, of course). It helps you get through the day when having to deal with rather hurtful topics. And it's healthy to be able to not take yourself too serious at times.  
>    
> 3\. When I was in hospital, I was the youngest on my ward (I was 19 at that time). The average age was around 30. The oldest patient was about 60 years old. There is no specific age for mental illness to occur.  
>    
> Also: trigger warnings for this chapter are  
> panic attack  
> self-harm (punching a wall)  
> broken bones  
> nightmares (not descriptive at all, just what happens on the outside)  
> dissociation
> 
> and I think that's it. If I missed something, please let me know :)
> 
>  

They had left the city behind them, the rural roads following the river on their left side, naked trees lining the asphalt, the mist hanging low over the ground. It's a beautiful, almost mystic view. But Alec can't enjoy that right now, his mind occupied with other things.

 

He smiles tightly at his sister Isabelle, who's sitting next to him in the driver's seat, in apology for his nervous ticks. He knows how much she hates it when he taps his feet non-stop. But he can't help it. Anxiety is pooling in the pit of his stomach, making his hands all clammy. His hands are shaking and  he's not so sure he could stand right now if he was asked to, thanks to his weak knees.

 

The radio is playing silently in the background and Alec desperately tries to focus his mind on the upbeat song coming out of the speakers. He's scared of the weeks or maybe months that are lying ahead of him. But he's also aware that this is way overdue. He'd been putting it off for a while now and it hasn't done any good to him and anyone else around him. And one fateful day, after a nasty breakdown of his, Izzy had taken the decision out of his hand and had him admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

 

Now, he wasn't exactly an emergency in the doctor's eyes and so he had to wait for a free spot to start therapy as an inpatient. And today, the day has come. Thankfully, Izzy offered to drive him, since the hospital is located about an hour drive away from the city. And so Alec doesn't have to worry about crashing the car into a tree on top of everything else.

 

When they drove off, leaving Alec's apartment behind them, Izzy had tried to lighten the mood by talking about this and that but after only receiving one worded answers, she had eventually given up on engaging Alec into a conversation. And so now they sit there in silence, the small town the hospital is situated in only a few more miles away now. And Alec is squirming in his seat.

 

He's never been good with changes and adapting to new surroundings. And meeting new people has never been a strength of his either. Of course he's not planning on making new friends, but the people are, after all, the people he has to spend a good amount of time with. Be it in group therapy (the thought of group therapy alone sends a cold shiver down his spine), on the ward or in the dining hall. The worst thing though, is that he is going to have to share a dorm with someone else. It feels like college all over again, only that it's much worse than that.

 

He's aware of the fact that he isn't going to be the only one with issues there (obviously), yet he feels weird and the ever present fear of being judged only gets worse the closer they get.

 

As they pass by the city limit sign, Alec lets out shaky breath. Izzy glances at him, an encouraging smile on her lips. "It's going to be fine, Alec." She tries but it only does little to soothe Alec's nervousness.

3 anxiety induced minutes later, Izzy pulls the car to a stop on the parking lot that only a narrow street separates from the yellow building with the sign "Idris Psychiatric Hospital" plastered next to the main entrance.

 

Izzy unbuckles her seatbelt as soon as the engine is shut off. But Alec hesitates. He feels like he's about to face months in prison, punished for something that isn't his fault.

 

"Hey," Izzy places her hand on his thigh, "you're overthinking again." Alec smiles weakly at her attempt of making him feel better. "I know it's scary. But these people are there to help you and they can only do that if you let them." Alec knows she's right. He wants to get better. But having to do… this? It's a lot. Then, a small voice supplies him with a helpful advice that allows his fingers to unbuckle his seatbelt as well. _It's only temporary_. It's true, he's not going to be locked up in there for ever. And if he doesn't accept the help of professionals, then who else can help him? He is sick of his sister and friends being in constant worry over him, he's sick of always being the one who has to step out during group outings because his mind is acting up again.

 

And so he follows Izzy out of the car, knees still weak. She snatches his duffle bag out of the trunk and proceeds to the entrance, Alec walking beside her. He can't even put in words how glad he is for Izzy coming with him. If he had driven out on his own, he probably would have turned around halfway there without any regrets.

 

At the registration they are greeted by a friendly, middle aged woman with slim rectangular glasses sitting on the tip of her nose. Her smile is warm as Alec hands her the submission papers with shaking hands. With a gentle voice she explains that a doctor would examine him first, take a blood and a urine sample before a nurse would guide him up to his room. They thank her and retreat to the waiting area where the friendly woman told them to wait. 

 

By the time they take a seat in the squeaky plastic chairs Alec is a bundle of nerves, the thought of someone drawing blood from him only fuelling his anxiety. Like before, they don't talk much. Izzy just has her hand on his knee during the entire wait. And Alec appreciates her efforts of keeping him grounded. He leans a little against her shoulder in an attempt to steady himself and tries to take deep breaths. _It's only temporary_. He has to repeat those words over and over again in his head. He tries to shut out the people that occasionally walk by, some wearing scrubs, some dressed in everyday clothes.

 

At some point, Izzy and Alec aren't the only ones in the waiting room any more, a young man, not older than 25 with circular glasses, is sitting on the other side of the room chewing on his bottom lip, looking almost as nervous as Alec. Like Alec, he's not alone. A woman that seems to be his mother is sitting in the chair next to him speaking calming words to him. Suddenly, Alec feels like he's six again and waiting in front of the principles office with his mother.

 

He startles when his name is being called out and a woman with grey, short hair emerges through the door, asking Alec to follow him. The white coat indicates the she's the doctor who's about to examine him. He nods and stalks through the door with a last, anxious glance at Izzy, who nods reassuringly.

 

* * *

 

 

The doctor's office is, as expected plain white. Alec sucks in a breath praying to be able to keep his cool. The doctor must've sensed his nerves because she puts on a friendly smile, gesturing for him to sit down in front of her desk after shaking his hand and introducing herself as Dr. Hall.

 

"Okay Mr. Lightwood," she types something into the computer on her desk "before I start with the examination, I'd like to take your medical and psychiatric history." Alec just nods.

 

He tries to answer her questions as truthfully as possible, though he has no idea whether anyone in his family before him has ever officially been diagnosed with any form of mental illness, he doubts it. Though he's fairly certain that his parents as well as his aunts and uncles aren't as healthy as they always make it out to be.

 

After Dr. Hall has all his answers jotted down she asks him to step on the scale and Alec feels slightly more uncomfortable. Over the past few months he had neglected essential things like eating thus he lost a lot of weight. It wasn't that he had planned on losing weight. Everything, showering, keeping the apartment clean and tidy and eating had become hard and there had been days where his only source of nutrition had consisted out of a bag of marshmallows or heated up peas and nothing else simply for the lack of energy it took to conjure up a decent meal. He knew that it wasn't healthy but he had lost the ability to take care of himself somewhere along the way.

 

The doctor doesn't comment on his weight, though. She only asks him to step under the height meter to take note of his height. On the examination table she listens to his heart beat and lung, tests his reflexes and checks his blood pressure. Seeing the results, she arches an eyebrow and tells him that it'd be best to keep an eye on it, since it's suspiciously low.

 

After he's all dressed up again, it's time to give the blood sample and Alec's heart starts beating fast again. He has to do all that is in his power not to old out of the room. Dr. Hall must sense his discomfort as she starts asking him random that are easy for him to answer, yet distracting him enough that he doesn't notice the needle piercing through his skin. Multiple tubes are being filled with his blood, luckily in less than 2 minutes. And after that is done, he's send back to waiting area to wait for the nurse to pick him up.

 

Izzy is waiting patiently for him and when he steps through the door she actually jumps out of her seat and envelopes him in a tight embrace. Alec buries his face in her black hair for a short moment, savouring this moment, scared that she won't be able to hug him like this for a long time.

 

"You okay?" She asks as they pull away and Alec feels bad as he sees the deep frown on her face. She shouldn't be so worried about her older brother.

 

"I am." He assures her, though he doesn't know if it's the truth. There is so much going on right now that he doesn't even have the time to sort through his feelings and name them. So, okay has to do for now.

 

They sit down again and Alec's heart is hammering so hard against his ribcage that he fears it's going to beat out of his chest. Now, it doesn't feel like he's waiting to be imprisoned. It's more like waiting for his death sentence.

 

The guy opposite to them doesn't appear to feel any better, he's clutching his mother's hand tightly and has gone incredibly pale. Alec sends him a sympathetic smile, right when a tiny woman in turquoise scrubs appears, smiling brightly.

 

"Mr. Lightwood?" She asks, her eyes fixed on Alec. Alec jerks his head up and a second later he's standing, shaking her hand. "I'm nurse Loss, head nurse on ward one. You're the sister?" She asks Izzy, offering her her hand as well. "That, I am."

 

"I'll take you to your room now and show you around a bit, then I'll talk you through your therapy schedule, then you can go have lunch, alright?" The smile on her lips doesn't falter. Alec nods and turns to Izzy, realizing that this is where their ways part. She embraces him in a tight hug, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.

 

"Good bye, big brother." She says, squeezing him a little tighter. "Don't be a stranger and tell me when I can come visit." Alec promises to keep her updated and follows nurse Loss to the elevator. His  duffle bag has already been brought up to his room, the nurse tells him. For some reason, he instantly feels like he can trust her and it might be too early to pass judgement on her, but he already takes a liking in her. She tells him that all the other inpatients on the ward are very friendly with each other and that he has nothing to worry about. And Alec believes her.

 

As they exit the elevator, they step out onto a rather plain hallway that basically screams hospital. Alec swallows hard. This is where he's going to stay for an indefinite time. He can only hope that the rooms aren't as cold and unfriendly.

 

"You'll share a room with Jace Herondale," nurse Loss informs him as they approach the very end of the hallway. "He's about your age." Alec just nods, unsure of what the correct answer might be. They come to a halt at the end of the corridor, where the nurse knocks against the grey door, waiting for an answer. When nothing follows, they step in. And Alec is quite relieved as he eyes the interior of the room.

 

There are two beds on each side of the room, both standing along the far walls of either side. The bed on the left is a bit messy, clothes piling up on top of the covers At the end of each bed stands a bookshelf - the one against the left wall already filled. Each side is also equipped with a small desk and a closet. The right side, the one Alec would be using looked awfully drab and lifeless, a stark contrast to the opposite side.

 

The nurse gives him some time to unpack and says he should come by the nurses office down the hall once he's finished. Alec is grateful that he is given some time to pull himself together before all the serious stuff begins. He doesn't start to unpack right away. He has to sit down for a minute to process everything that has happened so far and to prepare for what is yet to come.

 

Rubbing a hand over his face, he wonders what his room mate is going to be like. Given by the many copies on the shelf, he seems to be quite bookish. But that's all his room mate's side gives away. There are no pictures of family and friends pinned to the board hanging over the desk, only a time table and a yellow sheet of paper with notes scribbled down.

 

Suddenly, Alec is overcome by the fear of being roomed with a total nut-job and he immediately feels selfish. It's just that he's scared, what if he accidentally does something to upset his room mate and Jace rages out on him? Or what if Jace doesn't talk at all and just stares at him or watches him while he's sleeping? What if Jace is a creep? And even worse, what if his room mate thinks that of him after spending one night in the same room with him? _You're overthinking again, Alec_. He hears his sisters voice in his head. It's exactly what she would have told him if she were here with him. And she's right.  He hasn't met Jace yet, so why worry about what may or may not happen now?

 

He gets up from where he is sitting on his bed and starts to empty the duffle bag that has been placed on the chair in front of his desk. It's opened already and Alec presumes that it's been searched for any forbidden objects. But that's fine, it's not like he'd packed anything that seemed risky anyway. It only makes him a little uncomfortable to think that strangers have been searching through his stuff, not that he has anything to hide. It's just the invasion of privacy itself. But then again, maybe he'd lost all privileges of privacy as soon as he stepped through the entrance.

 

Storing his clothing in the closet is quick and he soon finds himself wandering down the hallway until he reaches the nurse's office. The door is opened a crack and he knocks politely, waiting until he's granted entrance. Nurse Loss is sitting behind her desk, her dark long her tied into a knot. She gestures for him to sit down in the chair on the other side of the desk and immediately starts talking business.

 

"So, going by the results of your evaluation, we've set up a weekly schedule that entails all your therapies and optional and obligatory activities." She pulls out a sheet of paper, which looks similar to the one he had seen hanging in his room.  She goes through the entire week, explaining the different types of therapy. There is normal group therapy, musical group therapy and concentrative movement therapy, also in a group. Then there are scheduled meetings with a nurse that has been assigned to him, weekly meetings with the principal consultant, weekly weigh ins and check ups on his blood pressure and an optional group activity that focuses on gathering and training skills to cope with different types of situations.  It's a lot. And his head is swirling from the flood all the newly given information. She senses his mental overload and assures him that he can always come back to her in case of any questions that have yet to be answered.

 

 

Eventually, she guides him out of the room and gives him a tour through the entire hospital. He swallows hard when they're standing in the big dining hall and he realizes that he'll probably meet all the people that are also on his ward during lunch. He feels even worse when he realizes that the tables are arranged in a way that at least ten people can comfortably sit around them. Where is he supposed to sit? With his room mate that he has yet to meet? Would it be weird if he just sat on his own? Or is there a seating plan? So many questions and he doesn't have the guts to ask, because really, isn't he just being pathetic right now?

 

Shortly before it's time for lunch he's guided back to his room. This time, it's not empty. A blond young man, presumably in his mid-twenties, is sitting on the bed that is not Alec's, book in hand. He looks up when Alec awkwardly stalks in.

 

"Hi. I'm Jace." He gets off his bed to greet Alec with a proper handshake. Like everyone else Alec has met so far, his mouth is crinkled into a friendly smile.

 

"Alec." He breathes out, trying to hide his nerves but also his relief. Jace seems to be a nice guy, at least from what Alec can tell so far.

 

"Is everything okay so far?" Jace asks, sitting down on his bed again, Alec mirroring him on his own side. "If you have any questions or need help with something, just ask. I know how overwhelming the first days can be."

 

"Thanks, I guess I'm good for now. Just need some time to process everything, I guess." Alec smiles shyly, fiddling with the hems of his shirt. "Though I'll probably have a few questions later." Jace nods in understanding.

 

"Don't worry, this is nothing like it's in the movies. The doctors aren't evil and the other patients aren't bat-shit crazy." His mouth crinkles into a grin . "Well, most of them." To his surprise, Alec actually manages a sincere laugh. "Good to know."

 

Jace glances at the alarm clock on his nightstand and jumps up, earning a confused look from Alec. "Lunch." He explains. "You coming?"

 

Alec's anxiety starts acting up again while they descend the stairs to the dining hall. Is he coming off as clingy if he sits with Jace? What are the others like? Are they all his age or much younger? Before he'd met Jace, he'd expected his room mate to be at least five years younger than him. And before he'd gotten here, he was scared he'd stick out for being the oldest patient. At least now he knows that he isn't the only one in his mid-twenties.

 

They have to wait in line for their meals being handed out, tray in hand. And as he waits, he notices how diverse the demographic age actually is. There are people in front of him that are aged well over forty while others look more like they have just turned 18. A small wave of relief washes over Alec. It doesn't last long, though, since his mind decides to torment him with the question of where to sit all over again.

 

Jace is first to get a plate handed with what looks like potatoes and some kind of meat drowned in gravy. Frankly, it doesn't look as bad as most hospital food and has Alec positively surprised. He half expects Jace to walk away with his lunch as Alec is still waiting but Jace patiently waits beside him until his plate is filled up and he leads Alec to a row of tables where a few other patients are already chewing on their potatoes, chatting away easily. When Alec takes a seat next to Jace he practically feels the curiosity in their gazes that are undeniably all set on him. His cheeks heat up and he can only imagine the angry shade of red his skin is turning.

 

"Everyone, this is Alec." Jace quickly jumps to his help. "Alec, meet everyone."

 

"Hey." Alec waves timidly as he looks around and he's greeted overall friendly smiles and various ' _hey'_ s and ' _hi'_ s. The read headed girl sitting opposite to Jace introduces herself as Clary and he learns that she's on the same ward, the first ward, as Jace and he, as are the others. Raphael, a guy who's frown appears to be a constant on his face just nods at him in greeting. Jace tells him not to take offence in that and so Alec just smiles at him. The other people he's surrounded with are introduced as Lydia, Raj, Maia, Aline and Ragnor. They are asking all kinds of questions regarding his age, profession, where he was from. And as long as the questions don't go any deeper, Alec is happy to answer them.

 

Clary is talking about growing up in Brooklyn, when the boy Alec had sat in the waiting room with, earlier this day, walks up to their table. He looks as tense as he did this morning and Alec can only sympathise with him.

 

"Hey, uhm," the boy gestures to the empty chair beside Clary, "can I sit with you guys? I'm Simon by the way." Again, everyone in the group introduces themselves and starts asking the same questions they asked Alec just a few minutes ago. While Alec enjoys not having to talk too much, Simon clearly likes to hear himself talk. He rambles on and on about - well, about everything and at some point, Alec just tunes him out, focusing on the food before him. He's still stressed out, but at least lunch didn't turn out to be as hellish as expected and he is able to take a breath, letting a bit of the stress roll off him.

 

He doesn't say much, he's always been a man of few words, and just listens to the conversations around him. Simon is still blabbering on, but Alec is able to tune him out. Jace, Raphael and Ragnor are talking about a person Alec has yet to meet and by the way they talk about them, Alec can wait with that.

 

"Has anyone seen Magnus?"Clary suddenly asks the entire group. "I haven't seen him all morning and now he's not showing up to lunch." Ragnor and Raphael share a look before Ragnor opens his mouth to explain.

 

"He's asleep, had a rough night." That's all Clary needs to nod in understanding and drop the topic. Alec has no idea what that was about, but he decides not to pry, it's none of his business and there seems to be more to it than Ragnor likes to tell.

 

Eventually, Jace and Alec retreat to their room, Jace yawning loudly as falls onto his bed, face first. Alec settles onto his own bed, leaning against the far wall. And now what? He still has a few hours to pass until his first real therapy session and just sitting here doing nothing is not an option.

 

"Hey, can I - can I borrow one of your books?" Alec asks carefully, scared of overstepping. Jace turns on his back smiling broadly. "Of course, feel free to take everything you like."

 

* * *

 

 

Alec spends the hours waiting for his first therapy session buried in Invisible Monsters while Jace is snoring on the other side of the room. Alec wouldn't dare to say it out loud but he envies Jace for his ability to sleep so easily. Alec would give everything for getting full four hours of sleep and not being plagued by nightmares every time he does sleep.

 

Not wanting to wake up his room mate, he sneaks out of the room when it's time for therapy. The hallway is empty and eerily silent, the tapping of his feet on the carpeted floor being the only noise as he walks towards the staircase to make his way down to where the therapist's office is situated.

 

 

The therapist turns out to be a petite woman, not much older than him, with long brown hair and pale skin. She introduces herself as Dr. Gray and offers him a seat in an armchair. She takes the seat opposite to him and unlike every other office he's been in today, there is no desk between them, just a small round table to the side with a pack of tissues on the top.

 

She welcomes him and asks how his first hours have been so far. He decides to stay truthfully as he answers "Both scary and relieving." He elaborates when she asks, explaining what he'd feared for, how everything is so new and foreign to him. First, they keep the topics light. However, Alec knows that it's not going to stay this way. He knows there's no use avoiding talking about why he's here. He also understands that doctor Gray just wants to make him feel comfortable and make him trust her.

 

He squirms a little in his chair, when she goes through his psychiatric evaluation with him. She notices, but doesn't comment on it. She explains that it's important to set goals for his recovery, even if it's just goals he sees as insignificant. She reminds him, that recovery isn't just the end result (and she also points out that sometimes, recovery doesn't really have an end result) but the many little steps people often tend to forget about.

 

The question if he already has ideas of what his goals could be leaves him speechless. Frankly, he'd never thought that far. He had never thought of really getting better, even when Izzy came up with the idea of inpatient treatment. It had always been a weird concept that seemed too far away from reality, since he'd lived like this for quite some time now.

 

The question if he already has ideas of what his goals could be leaves him deep in thought. Frankly, he'd never thought that far. He had never thought of really getting better, even when Izzy came up with the idea of inpatient treatment. It had always been a weird concept that seemed too far away from reality, since he'd lived like this for quite some time now. He'd made himself comfortable in his own misery.

 

"Don't worry, it takes some time to come up with reasonable goals. It's not a task to be taken lightly and actually requires a lot of consideration." She reassures him as she senses his unease. He just nods, the question still occupying his mind.

 

She allows him a minute of thinking before she asks if there is anything that needs to be dealt with now, before the session ends. He ponders on that for a moment before he tells her that his nightmares have been intense lately and that he worries of scaring his room mate off.

Doctor Gray asks how these nightmares affect him and how often they occur.

 

His voice becomes hoarse when he talks about the yelling and kicking and how he often, when he wakes up, can't differ between reality and nightmare. He's scared to wake Jace. But in the first place, he's scared to wake Jace who then wakes Alec only to receive hits from Alec because he still thinks he's being attacked. It's the first time he's talking so openly about what could happen and has already happened many times before when Izzy had slept over at his apartment. Shame is the first word that pops into his head as he tries to describe his emotions right now.

 

All while Alec is talking, doctor Gray is nodding while taking notes. Once he's done talking she advices to be up front with Jace, to tell him to call a nurse in case he wakes up. She also suggests thinking about medication that could help him getting a more restful sleep if his sleeping hasn't changed by Thursday. He has to let that sink in first. He'd always been scared of being dependent on medication and well… That pretty much is about to happen. Yet, he nods.

 

The session ends and Alec heads back to his room. Jace is awake, reading again as Alec steps in through the door. Jace smiles up at him and greets him with a casual 'hey'. Alec returns the smile, but it's tense and he feels restless. He has to open up to a person he just met when he'd barely even opened up to his own sister. Well, he doesn't really have to open up. But he's more or less forced to reveal something about himself that he's overly insecure about.

 

He paces between the end of his bed and the bathroom door while rubbing his index finger against his thumb, feeling utterly stupid for letting his discomfort show so easily.

 

"What's wrong?" Jace asks, coming into a sitting position, eyebrows furrowed. Alec exhales loudly and turns to him, sitting down on the edge of the mattress.

 

"Look," he starts, his hands waving through the air for lack of better words, "I - I - sleeping isn't really - I -" he stumbles over his own words. He wants to laugh at himself for being so inarticulate and at the same time he's scared that Jace is going to do exactly that. But he doesn't.

 

"Alec," Jace says with a calm voice, "take your time, it's fine."

 

"Okay." Alec takes a deep breath, then tries again. "I get nightmares, bad ones." He starts, his voice shaking. "Most of the time, I start screaming and it might, no, probably is going to wake you." He averts his gaze to his feet, his fingers still doing their thing they always do when he's nervous. "I don't come out of them easily, so please, if that happens call for a nurse. Not for my sake but for yours."

 

It is silent for a moment and Alec fears to see what is written in Jace's face, he doesn't need pity but he also doesn't want a room mate who is scared of him. The silence drags on to a point where it gets almost unbearable.

 

"It's okay, Alec." Jace says after a while. He doesn't say it with a hint of pity, it sounds more like - sympathy. "I didn't get them that frequently but I've had nightmares like that as well. Thanks for the heads up." Jace smiles warmly and a flood of relief washes over Alec, as it has so often that day already. They didn't even talk much about the nightmares but for the first time in his life, Alec feels understood, truly understood. It's an overwhelming experience.

 

"How'd you -" Alec's voice cracks a bit "how did you get rid of them? If I may ask?" Jace chuckles dryly.

 

"You may. This isn't my first hospital stay." He shrugs. And it's beyond Alec how Jace can admit that just so calmly, though he is almost thankful he has.

 

"Oh, okay." Alec has trouble coming up with what else to say. "Thank you for telling me." When he smiles this time, it's not tight as it was before when he was worrying about telling Jace. Instead it exudes gratitude and a hint of trust. Jace returns the smile and it speaks so much louder than any word could. There is a bond, a mutual understanding between them. For some reason Alec can't quite place, it's an experience that is almost too much for him to handle. When did he ever have something like this? Someone who understood him so well with only knowing so little about him. The answer is simple. Never.

 

"So, what book did you decide on?" Jace changes the topic, which is gladly accepted by Alec. The next hour, they keep on talking about a diversity of books - books they both have read, books they're planning to read, their absolute favourites and, in their opinion, the worst books ever written (Alec strongly beliefs it's Twilight despite never having read it himself but Izzy had gone through a Twilight phase, forcing him to watch the movies with her). Alec is grateful for the distraction, for that bit of normality in a place where everything seems to be a bit off, at least for him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Soon, it's time for dinner and this time when he walks beside Jace, getting in line at the serving counter he is less tense. He even allows himself to be part of the conversation as he is seated with the already familiar faces. He is still closed off, but that doesn't stop him from telling the group about his sister and bits and pieces of his life in Manhattan when he's asked, though he's only touching on it lightly. Izzy would be proud of him if she could see him now.

 

He's surprised to hear himself laugh at one of the jokes Jace cracks at all their expenses and he slowly comes to think that maybe, he can do this. Maybe, this place isn't so bad, at least what he's experienced so far isn't.

 

He'd expected the fellow patients to be - well, he doesn't really know what he expected them to be, but certainly not as open and talkative as they are. Maybe he'd expected them to look depressed, maybe he'd expected them sitting apathetically in the corner of a room, rocking back and forth, mumbling gibberish under their breath. But what does depression even look like? He'd been able to hide it from his friends and family for a long time. And he'd been able to still find joy in some things, even though it had gotten harder in the past few months.

 

And it is then, that he realizes that they might all have to deal with some shit but being stuck in a mental institution doesn't automatically mean that you can't share a laugh with people going through something alike. Maybe it's even helping the recovery of all of them.

 

It's a realisation that lets him breathe easier and the tension in his shoulders that has been there ever since he'd woken up this morning eases out, if only for a bit. It's a start.

 

They're about to clear the table when a tall, dark skinned man walks over to them, a grin lighting up his face. "Meliorn wants to go to the music room later, you guys want to join?" He asks. Upon spotting Alec and Simon, he holds out his hand for them to shake. "You must be new, I'm Luke. I'm on the second ward." Alec is the first to shake his hand and introduces himself. "Alec, nice to meet you."

 "You two are invited as well." Luke smiles after Simon lets go of his hand. "We planned on meeting at around eight, if that's alright." Luke addresses the whole group and when there is no word of dissapproval, he retreats back to the table he'd been sitting at.

 

"I didn't know the interaction beyond our ward was allowed." Alec says once he and Jace are back in their room. He's pulling out the ratty sweater that for some reason always helped him feel safe out of his closet, the sudden need of feeling the soft fabric against his skin and puts it on.

 

"It is. It's just not that common during leisure time. Usually the wards just merge during optional group activities. But for some reason hanging out with Luke and a few others from the second ward has become a regular occurrence." Jace shrugs and bites in an apple he has smuggled up from the dining hall.

 

After he has shrugged on the sweater he turns around and finds a sticky note on his desk to inform him to come to the nurses office on his ward at nine to introduce himself to the nurse that is on shift for the night to introduce himself. He makes a mental note not to lose track of time and falls onto his bed. There is still an hour left until they meet with Luke and Alec is comfortable to lean back and just close his eyes for a moment. This entire day has been taxing as hell. It's almost impressive that he hasn't collapsed yet, considering how little he slept the night before, not to mention the ever present anxiety that was always taking a lot out of him. He is all drained of energy and now that he's letting his body relax he can feel the weight of his limbs pulling him down into the mattress.

 

He appreciates Jace making as little noise as possible and not talking to him, just letting him be. He doesn't allow himself to drift off to sleep, not that he thinks that that's even possible. But just doing nothing, even if it's just for an hour, is refreshing. At least as long as his mind doesn't wander off into dark places. He tries to reflect on the positive things that have happened to him today; for one, he has met people who welcomed him with open arms, he is understood by Jace who had experienced the same intensity with his own nightmares. And for another, the hospital isn't as scary and constrictive as expected.

 

He's pulled out of his thoughts by the squeaking of Jace's bed and as he opens his eyes he sees Jace standing in the door way, his front turned to Alec, hand on the doorhandle. He hesitates before he asks, "I'm heading to the music room now, you want to come with me? I wasn't sure if you were sleeping."

 

Alec sits up and smiles faintly. "I'd love to. But-" he clears his throat "what exactly is going to happen there?" Jace lets go of the doorhandle and takes a few steps into the room.

 

"Usually one of us plays the piano and we jam a little." Noticing Alec's frown he quickly added, "Don't worry, if you don't want to sing you can just sit by and listen, Ragnor does that all the time." Alec considers that for a moment. It's not that he doesn't like singing itself. He's just not comfortable singing in front of other people he just met. But the idea of a little gathering that doesn't necessarily require him to talk doesn't sound bad. So, he follows Jace out of the room.

 

The music room is smaller than Alec had pictured it, a few chairs are lined up along the windowless wall, facing the piano that stands against the opposite wall. In the back, Alec spots a cardboard box with maracas and tambourines sticking out and an acoustic guitar leaning against it. He smiles fondly. Before everything had gone to shit, he'd played the guitar a lot. Never in front of an audience, but for himself.

 

Maia, Clary, Raphael and Simon are already seated next to Luke and another guy with blue streaks in his dark hair, whose name Alec isn't familiar with. Alec sits down next to Maia whereas Jace takes the liberty of sitting on the piano stool.

 

The guy next to Luke stretches his hand out to Alec, in a rather awkward angle, and introduces himself as Meliorn. Alec returns the gesture with a shy smile.

 

"Who else is coming?" Maia asks, addressing the whole group. And as if on queue, Ragnor comes through the door, followed by two girls. The blonde one introduces herself as Lydia as she smiles sweetly. The other girl has long dark hair, her facial features giving away that she is of southeast asian descent, she smiles friendly, yet distantly as she introduces herself as Aline.

 

"Is Magnus coming?" Alec can hear the hesitation in Clarys voice as she directs the question to Ragnor who turns out to be Magnus' room mate.

 

"No, he's with the nurses right now." Ragnor explains with a frown and something that Alec interprets as worry. The topic gets dropped right away, all of them realizing that it's none of their business. Alec just wonders what that Magnus guy is like, since he didn't show up to dinner as well. But he guesses he'll meet him soon enough.

 

Jace starts playing the beginning of _Wonderwal_ l and Alec has to hide a groan because … Well, it's the most overplayed song ever. But everyone seems to like it and soon they begin to sing. At first, Alec gets a little overwhelmed. He can practically feel how everyone around him just lets go, not giving a care about singing in tune. They become a unity, a strong one at that. Alec wants to join in but his throat constricts and so he just moves his lips, the goosebumps on his arms only increasing.

 

The more songs they sing though, the more confident Alec gets and when Simon suggests to sing _Mr. Brightside_ by _the Killers_ , he finds himself singing along. It's silent, but he's singing after all. Maia notices and smiles encouragingly at him. Warmth spreads through his body, settling in his chest. On this very day he has been more active, more social than he has in the few months before. And he enjoys himself, he doesn't feel forced to interact with them. Maybe it is because they give him the time and space he needs to make himself comfortable. And because they don't expect anything of him.

 

At some point, Jace starts playing the intro of _Mad World_ and Ragnor just deadpans, "No, Jonathan Christopher. We're all depressed enough already." And the whole room erupts into laughter, even Alec. And Alec swears that even Raphael, with his ever present scowl, cracks a smile.

 

Suddenly, Alec remembers that he's supposed to meet the nurse at nine and he has no idea what time it is. Awkwardly, he excuses himself and rushes back to his room only to find that he needs to get going again since it's two minutes past nine, if Jace's alarm clock is set right.

 

When he reaches the office, a nurse in purple scrubs is already waiting for him, and his smile isn't as sincere as nurse Loss' was. But that doesn't mean that it has anything to do with him, right? He's only a few minutes late so it can't be that, right? Before his mind is able to supply him with more questions that are crushing his confidence, he apologises for being late and he starts asking questions. Alec tells him about his trouble of being able to sleep and is told that if he's unable to sleep he can go to the common room - but not without telling the nurses first - and read or watch tv. He also mentions the nightmares to which the nurse just responds with a nod.

 

Walking back to the music room, Alec doesn't know how to feel about his encounter with the night nurse. Either he just has a bad day, it's just the way he is, or he's pissed at him. Though he has no idea what he's done wrong.

 

The music room is empty when he peeks in through the door and so he walks back to his room where Jace is already dressed in sweat pants and an old ratty t-shirt. "Everything alright?" He asks, as if he is noticing Alec's unease.

 

"Yeah," he slumps down on his bed, "it's just that nurse- He was weird." That description must sound familiar to Jace as he hums tapping his index finger against his lips.

 

"Aldertree?" He waits for Alec's confirmation before he continues. "Yeah, that guy _is_ weird. I have no idea who thought it to be wise to employ him as a nurse. Don't worry about whatever it was that he said to you, it has nothing to do with you. Sadly, that's just the way he is." Alec is able to relax a little, pulling his pyjama bottoms out of the closet, his sweater still providing him with the warmth he very much needs.

 

"I know it's weird to say because I've only just arrived," Alec says after moments of comfortable silence, "but I kind of like it here." Of course, it doesn't feel like home, not even close. But the people on his ward make him confident that he can actually make it work, that he is not alone in this, even though they are still basically strangers.

 

"I get it." Jace says, getting comfortable with a pillow propped up between his back and the wall. "People always have this stereotypical image of psychiatric hospitals in their head, where the patients are being locked up all day, restrained with straitjackets or tied to their beds. They only know the extreme and tend to forget that there's something in between that."  Jace takes a sip from the bottle of water on his nightstand. "Before I got here for the first time, I actually spent a night in a locked-ward psychiatry and boy," Jace tilts his head up to the ceiling and chuckles, "never again."

 

Alec wants to ask why but figures that it's not his place to ask. If Jace wants him to know, he is going to tell him. "That bad?", he asks instead.

 

"Yeah. No freedom whatsoever." He shrugs. "It makes sense, of course. But when you're in there by force you don't care about what makes sense and what doesn't. You just want to get out of there. But you're trapped and there's nothing you can do about it." Alec certainly knows what it feels like being trapped and he is quick to change the subject not wanting to test his luck with any flashbacks that come haunting him every now and then.

 

So he asks Jace when he learned to play the piano and general questions about his life outside that aren't too invasive. He learns that Jace got taught to play the piano from an early age on by his father, that he's owning a gym near Gramercy Park, despite his degree in business that his father had practically forced upon him. And Alec can relate. His parents' plan for him had always been to go to law school. But then push came to shove and he'd ended up with a literature master. How he'd managed to actually achieve that is still beyond him.

 

They talk for hours until Jace stifles multiple yawns and asks if it's okay if they leave the little night light that each of their sides is provided with. Alec happily agrees, since he isn't so sure if he'd been able to ask the same.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Alec stares at the dark ceiling, the familiar restlessness having settled in hours ago. It is silent, except for the occasional snore coming from Jace's side. And with the silence and no way to distract himself, dark thoughts and unpleasant images flashing through his mind. He's beyond tired and all he wants is at least one hour of sleep, while at the same time he fears what's waiting for him when he closes his eyes.

 

A glance at the digital alarm clock on Jace's nightstand tells him that it's past three in the morning already. Sighing, he gets out of bed, deciding that it's useless to even try to fall asleep. He silently sneaks out of the room, his sweater and borrowed book in hand and walks down the hallway towards the common room. He passes the nurses' office and asks for permission to spend the night outside of his room. Nurse Aldertree grants it, after alerting him that there is already another patient in the common room and asks him to keep the talking to a minimum.

 

Alec wonders who the person is that is spending the night in the common room and if he has already met them. Going by the many doors in the hallway that all lead to patient's rooms, the chances are pretty low since he's only met a handful of the patients on this ward.

 

And he is correct. He hasn't met the man who sits slouched on the U-shaped cushioned bench that lines both far walls and the wall the door is installed in, save for the door. The man has dark rings under his eyes and it's obvious that it's been a while since he'd last gotten a good night's sleep. The front of his dark hair falls floppily in his face, while his sides are shaved short. There's some casting show running on tv, though the man seems to be more interested in the chapped nail polish on his nails than in what is happening on screen.

 

Alec silently slips in through the door with a soft 'hey' as a greeting, not wanting to startle the stranger. He looks up from his nails, a faint smile on his lips that doesn't quite reach his eyes and just nods. Alec settles down at the other side of that weird couch - or is it a bench? Alec has no idea - not wanting to invade the man's personal space and picks up reading where he had left off last afternoon. He completely shuts out the silent voices from coming form the television. Yet, he notices when the man turns the volume down a bit and Alec realizes that he did it not to disturb Alec.

 

"Oh please, don't mind me" Alec says loud enough that he's sure he's being heard. "The noise is no trouble to me." In fact, Alec finds it more comforting when there's some background noise. Silence just unsettles him and makes things worse.

 

The volume is turned up again and Alec sinks his nose back into the book, focused on the printed words in front of him. He has no idea how much time has passed, but when he looks up again the channel has already switched to their morning programme. The clock hanging above the TV is telling Alec that it's almost five am by now.

 

"What are you reading?" The man asks not unfriendly, his voice hoarse.

 

"Invisible Monsters by Chuck P- I have no idea how to pronounce his last name." Alec holds up the book so that the man can see what he's talking about. "The guy who wrote Fight Club." He adds, just because.

 

"Interesting choice." The man smirks, now seemingly in a better place than he was two hours ago. "I'm Magnus, by the way." Magnus. They guy Clary kept asking about over the course of the day.

 

"Alec." Alec responds kindly. "Did you read it?" He points at the book that is now lying in his lap.

 

"No, not yet. But it's been on my reading list for a while now." Magnus arches an eyebrow, lips crinkling upwards in a way that Alec knows that an idea is forming in Magnus' mind. "Maybe I can borrow it, once you're finished?"

 

"Heh," Alec chuckles sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, "actually, I borrowed it from Jace."

 

"Oh wow, who would have thought that? Golden boy can read." Alec has no idea if Magnus is being serious while mocking Jace or not. Apparently, his uncertainty isn't hidden from Magnus. "I'm just kidding, I'll ask him." Magnus plays with the remote in his hands, thinking.

 

"You arrived yesterday, didn't you?" He eventually asks, eyes flickering back to Alec who nods in lieu of an answer. "How did your first day go?" Alec can hear the sincere interest in his voice.

 

"It went good, I think." He chuckles lightly. "Better than expected, actually. Everyone I've met so far was super nice. And I really enjoyed myself during that get-together in the music room."

 

"Ah yes, that's always a delight. Usually I join them as well. But well -" Magnus shrugs, a half-hearted laugh coming out of his mouth, "you know how it is."

 

"Yeah, I think I do. Things turn to shit and everything starts spiralling down and out of control way too fast." Alec is surprised with how dark he sounds. "Sorry, that definitely sounded better in my head."

 

"Why, it's just the truth." He pauses for a moment. "So, what kept you up all night? Jace's obnoxious snoring or the fear of what kind of atrocious meal we'll be forced to eat for lunch today?" The second the sentence leaves his mouth, his eyes grow wide. "Shit, I'm sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean it that way. The food is just bad."

 

It takes a moment for Alec until it clicks in his mind as to why Magnus is getting so worked up about his joke about the hospital food they're being served. Magnus has no idea what Alec is here for and saying what he'd just said to someone with an eating disorder might have hit too close to home.

 

"You didn't. Offend me, I mean. And it was the food." He deadpans. "Though it's not half as bad as I expected it to be. But maybe that's only because I've lived off hot pockets, lucky charms and crackers for months." Magnus laughs out loud, a low rumble escaping his mouth, a sound so marvellous, Alec needs to hear more of it. His stomach bubbles with joy and he joins in on the laughter. It's refreshing to be able to laugh so freely when everything else around them is clouded with a certain seriousness. And even if it's just for a moment, to be able to forget where they are or why they're here. Alec doesn't even have to pretend his amusement as he had so many times when he went out with his friends back home.

 

"What about you?" Alec asks, once their laughter has died down. "Was it the food or is Ragnor a snorer as well?"

 

"Oh, both for sure." Magnus' features are schooled, his tone overly serious. "But Ragnor, I can escape; the food not so much." Alec grins and it only widens when Magnus mirrors his expression.

 

"Is it sad if I admit that this is the most I've laughed in… well, in a long time?" The question comes out of Alec's mouth with ease and no shame at all, it's light-hearted.

 

"Now look at you, you've been in here for a day and you're close to being healed already." Magnus praises him jokingly, raising his arms into the air, hands folded together, managing another chuckle out of Alec.

 

The common room's door opens, startling both of them. Aldertree is standing in the doorway, brows furrowed into a scowl. "You can get back to your rooms now.", he declared, his voice devoid of any emotion. Magnus and Alec share a look but remain silent as they get up. Together, they walk down the hallway. The building is slowly coming to life now, the sound of falling water and quiet murmurs behind the closed doors audible. Magnus comes to a halt in front of a door that is only three rooms away from Alec's.

 

"Thank you for keeping me company tonight." Magnus says before he opens the door to his room.

 

"Likewise." Alec shows his sincere gratitude with a smile.

 

"See you at breakfast." And then Magnus winks at him, leaving a confused Alec standing in the hallway, a blush creeping up his neck, as he closes the door behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

Jace is still sound asleep when Alec comes back to their room and Alec decides to take a quick shower to freshen up a bit and to wash away the sleep in his eyes. He hasn't checked his schedule for today, yet. But he's going to be dead by the end of the day, that's a given. He's running on no sleep in more than 48 hours, not to forget the exertion of keeping it together he had faced yesterday's morning and the anxiety that had popped up every now and then throughout the entire day.

 

Looking in the mirror, he becomes aware of how severely the sleep deprivation is affecting his body. The dark rings under his eyes stand out even more, thanks to his terrifyingly pale skin. His lips are chapped and he realizes that he looks like what he always imagined a dead body to look like as a child. If he didn't know any better, he'd still believe that this is what they look like. Quickly, to clear his head, he splashes cold water in his face, his breath coming out short. _This is not what they look like. This is not what they look like. This is not what they look like._ He repeats that sentence until he can look at himself again without being reminded of what they actually look like. A wave of anger washes over him. Now he's not even allowed to take a look into a mirror without having trouble to breathe? He balls his hands to fists, his nails digging into the flesh of his palms. It's not fair.

 

He needs to punch something, anything. Tears of anger are wailing up in his eyes and he gets even more furious. _No crying allowed_. He wants to shatter the image that is staring right at him, he wants to see it break right in front of his eyes so that he doesn't have to watch himself breaking. He sees his fist lunge forward, unable to stop it even though somewhere, in the back of his mind a small voice is screaming at him to get a grip on himself.

 

He doesn't feel the pain when his balled fist hits the tiled wall instead of the mirror. He just observes how the skin around his knuckles splits open, blood seeping out of the cracks. His hand thrashes the wall again and again, until he doesn't only see the hurt but feels it. It's a dull ache that spread through his entire hand, to his wrist and up his arm, mixed with a stinging sensation which distinctly stems from the ripped open knuckles. He is able to see clearly again. The pain gets him back in control of his mind. And he springs into action, the fury forgotten.

 

The white tiles are bedecked with one clear stamp of his fist and unidentifiable smears of blood where he'd hit the tiles multiple times. Carefully he pulls his fingers down to the heel of his hand only to reliese them again, praying that his hand is not fractured. A sigh of relief escapes him when his fingers are movable without too much pain.

 

Then, before the blood dries, he snatches a roll of toilet paper and busies himself with removing the blood stains off the wall. It's easier than expected and he's done in under five minutes. He hisses as his injured hand hits the spray of water, the stinging increasing. But washing the dried blood off his skin has to be done. What are the people going to think if he walks around with a blood stained hand?Nothing good, that much is obvious.

 

A knock against the door pulls him out of his thoughts. In an attempt to hide his self-destructive doing, he pulls the sleeve his sweater over his aching hand, although he knows that it looks ridiculous and won't last long as a disguise. 

 

He opens the door with a broad smile on his lips and the second Jace lays his eyes on him, he notices that something is off. Alec can tell by the raised eyebrow and - well it's not that hard to tell - there is scepsis written all over his face.

 

"Everything alright?"Jace asks him carefully.

 

"Yeah, sure." Alec slips past Jace and waits until Jace disappears behind the closed bathroom door until he dares to pull out a fresh pair of boxer briefs and a long sleeved shirt.

 

But he doesn't even come farther than opening the closet door until he hears Jace yell, "Why is the toilet paper in the toilet bloody?" and seconds later, Jace is standing in front of him, arms crossed in front of his chest. "Look, you don't have to tell me what happened in there and why I woke up to loud thumping coming out of the bathroom, it's none of my business. But you have to tell the nurses." Seeing Alec's confused look he explains that the contract he signed yesterday entails the agreement to keep the nurses updated on any incidents, be it physical or mental.

 

"If you don't want to go alone, I can come with you and wait outside or go back to our room, whatever you like best." Jace suggests after interpreting the discomfort in Alec's face correctly.

 

And so Alec finds himself walking beside Jace down the hallway, again. His eyes are fixed to the ground and the shame he feels for breaking down so easily couldn't be more obvious. When Alec can't find it in him to knock against the office's door, Jace takes it upon himself and practically shoves him into the arms of Nurse Loss. At least, Aldertree isn't on duty any more.

 

She closes the door behind him before asking what's wrong and he just shrugs, revealing his wounded hand to her. She asks him to move his hand around and he does, just like he did in the bathroom. It hurts, but he can move his fingers and ball his hand to a fist. She schedules him for an x-ray this very afternoon anyway before she disinfects and bandages the hand in question.

 

After she's done taking care if the pressing matters, she asks what triggered this incident to happen. And Alec knows he should be honest with her. He knows it, yet he only stammers something about losing control, not mentioning how it was his own reflection that triggered a flashback that made him lose control. She asks him frequently that has happened before and he shrugs. He has lost count of the many times he lashed out because imaginary pictures showed up out of nowhere making him go numb and utterly helpless. And the only way to help himself is to get defensive, hence the violence.

 

"Very." He answers her question when he can't withstand the pressing look on her face any more. She asks if he'd ever grown violent against other people and at least that he can answer truthfully without wishing the ground to swallow him whole to be spared this interrogation.

 

The flashbacks mostly happen when he's on his own. It had only happened twice that he'd been with someone else - his sister - when the flashbacks started and he'd lashed out at his coffee table, basically thrashed it to shreds, and the brick wall at the outside of the apartment building he lived in.

 

Alec doesn't tell her, though. He just says that it never goes against other people, except for himself. She seems content with that answer. And that's what matters, isn't it?

 

On his way back to his room, Alec realizes how quickly everything has gone from 'wow, everyone is so nice and friendly, I'll be open and not close myself off, I can do this because I'm shielded from the outside, nothing bad can happen here' to the cruel reality he'd been stuck in back home. The realisation hits hard and he contemplates skipping breakfast to avoid having to interact with people. He's not in the mood and having to put up a front will only drain him even further. On the other hand he also knows that he needs caffeine and enough energy to get through the day so skipping a meal doesn't seem like a wise decision.

 

Jace is waiting for him, all dressed up now, ready to go down to the dining hall. He looks up when Alec enters but keeps the questions that are evidently burning on his mind to himself.

 

"All good?" Jace asks instead, eyeing Alec's bandaged hand. Alec tries to hide it in the sleeve of his sweater but deems it useless since the dark blue fabric of the sweater is a stark contrast to the white bandages that stick out, even when he pulls the sleeve over his hand. So why even bother?

 

"Yeah, just let me put on my jeans and we can go." Alec responds, his voice almost monotone.

 

 

For breakfast, they don't have to wait in line, in the centre of the dining hall the kitchen staff has set up an open buffet with all kinds of cereal, bread rolls, toast, yoghurt and even fresh fruit. Alec makes a bee-line for the coffee machine and only then fills his plate with a bread roll, a slice of cheese and a tangerine.

 

His hand is throbbing throughout the entire time he navigates around the people piling food on their plates, the tray in his hands not being helpful in the slightest.

 

Arriving at the small groups' usual table, Alec plops down next to Clary who's the only one already seated and immediately starts poking at the bread roll in front of him. He's lost his appetite, probably before they day had even really started. And he feels the sudden urge to go back up to his room and just lie in bed, skip this day and maybe come back tomorrow.

 

His appetite might be absent, but his thirst for coffee is as everlasting as the scowl on Raphael's face. Taking a delightful sip, he hopes that at least the coffee can make up for the shit that has already happened. But he might wants to lower his expectations. The coffee is terribly watery and only luke warm.

 

"I know," Clary sighs and she sounds as devastated as Alec feels, "the coffee is terrible. But there's a vending machine next to the gym that conjures some decent coffee, I can show you later if you like."

 

"That'd be great, thanks." Alec mumbles, his voice distant to his own ears. Clary watches him closely and Alec almost squirms under her gaze. He needs his space right now and he silently chides himself for having sat down right next to her. But anywhere else would have seemed weird. Her eyes land on his injured hand that he tried to keep hidden under the table top. Alec's instincts tell him to leave before she can ask any questions and he's about to when she opens her mouth, her head tilted to the side.

 

Before she can speak, though, Jace slumps down in the seat opposite to her, his plate overflowing with toast, cheese and scrambled eggs. Luckily, her attention immediately wanders to Jace, enveloping him in some conversation Alec has no interest to be part of. Instead, he focuses on picking the bread roll apart with his fingers - a task that turns out to be quite hard when you're hiding your other had under the table.

 

Alec is about to start eating the torn pieces of that damn bread roll  as Ragnor walks up to their table, and as he sits down next to Alec, he notices Magnus trailing closely behind, tray in hand. Alec blanches. What is Magnus going to think when he sees his hand? He basically spent the night with him so he is going to know that it happened shortly after they parted. Alec doesn't know why it bothers him so much that Magnus might know when it happened. It's not like he'd be the only one. Hell, Alec had woken up Jace with his breakdown.

 

"Morning everyone." Magnus' hair is now gelled up and the rings under his eyes aren't as stark as they'd been a few hours ago. Alec flashes Magnus a shy smile, while the rest of them goes for a collective 'morning', a gesture Clary misinterprets as she watches them.

 

"Magnus, this is -"

 

"Alec. I know, biscuit." Magnus cuts in, a triumphant smile taking over his lips. Her eyebrows go up and she squeezes her eyes the way Izzy always does when she's about to start prying for information that shouldn't concern her but does anyway. "We've had the pleasure of spending the night together." Despite his inner turmoil, despite his hazy mind that is more focused on figuring out how to survive this god-forsaken day, despite all that he can feel the heat in his cheeks rising as a reaction to Magnus' wording.

 

"Oh." Is all Clary provides as an answer and then she turns her attention back to Jace. 

 

The reast of breakfast passes in a blur, he exchanges a few words with Magnus but he must sense that Alec isn't in the best shape and Magnus lets him guide the conversation, giving him an opportunity to drop out whenever he needs to, something Alec is probably going to be forever thankful for.

 

* * *

 

 

He doesn't remember what else happened as he literally finds himself lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his hand thrubbing even more. He has no recollection of how he got here, when he left the breakfast table or if any other interactions, besides the one with Magnus, have happened or why his hand felt like it was going to fall off any time soon. It's not the first time something like this has happened, though.

 

Once, he'd been on a small walk through Bryant Park listening to some songs on his phone and the next thing he remembers is wandering through the streets of Cobble Hill. He'd called Izzy that day to come and pick him for he'd been completely out of it. It had happened a second time when he'd been out with a few friends from college, not having consumed even a drop of alcohol, and just like that he'd been  on the subway heading towards Brooklyn, without remembering having ever left the bar or getting on the subway.

 

Well, three time's the charm. Sitting up aprubtly, ignoring the thrubbing pain and pushing the panic back down, he searches for Jace but the room is empty except for himself. He gets up hesitantely and looks at the schedule that he laid on his desk the day before, scanning for what's due today. As it turns out, he has five minutes left until his first group therapy starts.

 

To his own luck, the room is easy to find and he's two minutes early. The room is already filled with both familiar and unfamiliar faces and he sighs in relief when he spots Magnus sitting in the circle of chairs, an empty chair beside him. He silently asks if he can sit there and Magnus smiles brightly at him.

 

Maia, Simon and Aline are also in their group and Alec silently decides that it's a good thing. Maia had seemed friendly from the very beginning, exuding strength but also a certain kind of serenity. With Simon he can sympathise, simply because they're both new to the ward. He hasn't seen much of Aline yet, only in the music room. But it's calming to know more than just one face around here.

 

The therapist that walks into the room silently silently settles in one of the few free chairs, pushes her glasses back on her nose and greets the whole group.

 

"Since we've got to new faces in our group, I suggest we all introduce ourselves with our name, age and any fact you want us to know." The group nods and it's then, that it dawns Alec that he'll be expected to talk in front of people he doesn't know. He'll have to talk. About himself. In front of strangers. His heart rate picks up and his knees begin to shake. And he hugs his arms tightly around himself, making sure that the bandage around his aching hand doesn't stand out to the others in the room.

 

They counter clockwise and the closer they get to him, the harder it becomes to breathe. He doesn't catch the name of the two women sitting next to him, the only thing he remembers is that they're both 46 years old and they find that incredibly funny. Alec has no idea why but he has other problems now since it's his turn.

 

He opens his mouth a few times with nothing coming out and he awkwardly has to clear his throat before manages to croak out his introduction of himself.

 

"I'm Alec, 25 years old and I've got a little sister who's basically my only family." He cringes at how shaky his own voice sounds to his own ears and he let's out a breath he didn't know he was holding when the therapist nods, satisfied with his answer.

 

Magnus is next and Alec is glad that it was already his turn because now he doesn't have to overthink what he's going to say, instead he can gather some new information about Magnus.

 

"My name is Magnus, I'm 28 years old and I have a tubby Cat waiting at my home in Brooklyn for me." Magnus sounds far more confident than Alec when talking about himself. But then again, Magnus is a far more familiar with both the group and also the concept group therapy than Alec is. Listening to Magnus' velvety voices does wonders for Alec's nerves and it's almost shocking how all the tension in his shoulder loosens.

 

"My name is Maia, I'm 24 years old and I've got a passion for the Bronte sisters and their literature and literature in general." Alec smirks, feeling the instant need to ask Maia about her favourites, beside the Bronte sisters. But since there are other people in the room, he refrains from doing so.

 

Simon turns out to be three years younger than Alec, which isn't a big surprise to him, and then he starts rambling about the band he's in and how they've already played a few gigs in small indie clubs. And that's exactly where Alec can picture Simon. Some indie club in Williamsburg, surrounded by a bunch of hipsters, he'd blend in perfectly.

 

Aline is next, sharing with the group that she's 25 years old and she's already planning to travel the world with her girlfriend Helen, once she's being released. Alec has to bite the inside of his cheek to oppress the smirk that is threatening to spread all over his face. It's somewhat healing to hear that he isn't the only LGBT+ person on this ward that he knows of, so far.

 

After every participant of the group has introduced themselves, the therapist, who's name Alec still doesn't know yet, explains the rules of group therapy. And Alec is relieved that he doesn't always have to actively participate in group discussions. The only time everyone is required to say something is at the beginning and end of every session. Even if it's just a simple 'I'm fine' and 'I liked the session today'. Since the hospital has extra qualifications for dealing with trauma patients of all kind, the group is asked not to go into too explicit detail, in case someone feels like talking aboutit during the session. In case things are getting too intense, they are allowed to leave the room to calm down. If that doesn't work, they're allowed to leave, but not without reporting to the nurses' office immediately. And most importantly: everything talked about in this room isn't allowed to leave the room, they're not even allowed to talk about it among themselves if the person who brought up the matter during the session doesn't give their okay first.

 

It all doesn't sound so bad to Alec. He is not forced to talk unless he wants to and he can get out of the room without needing to explain himself in case a situation asked for it.

 

The therapist addresses the whole group, asking if anyone wants to share something with the group and the silence that follows is deafening. Suddenly Alec feels like he's back in high school calculus, the teacher having asked a question that no one is able to answer and now they're all waiting for the teacher to pick someone to be tormented in front of the entire class.

 

"Actually," Magnus' voice breaks through the silence, once again making the tension in Alec's shoulder vanish, "I'd like to." The whole attention of the room is set on Magnus and Alec marvels the courage to talk about his personal problems so openly.

 

"During my first week here I had some mediocre nights in which I simply didn't sleep and then I had horrible ones with messed up nightmares and well…" he waves his hands through the air, "all that." Magnus doesn't wait for the group to confirm that they know what he's talking about. But maybe, Alec thinks, that's not what he needs.

 

"During my second week it all got better, the nightmares were still present but less frequently and only half as intrusive. Three days ago though, I've had the worst nightmare I've had, ever since I was a teenager, I believe. And the next night wasn't any better. And now I feel set back, not only with the progress I've made here so far. But also everything I've achieved in years of therapy as an outpatient. I just don't know what to do." Alec's heart hurts at the defeat in Magnus' shoulders as he lets himself fall back into the chair, rubbing furiously at his eyes and Alec wonders if he is crying.

 

His thoughts are confirmed when the therapist sets on to speak and Magnus holds his hand up to stop her, sniffing loudly, "I need a minute." She nods and everyone waits patiently for Magnus to gather himself. He gratefully accepts the box of tissues Maia hands him and blows his nose softly.

 

The tears stop coming and Magnus nods when asked for it to be okay to carry on and the rest of the group gets the opportunity to give Magnus words of support or even actual advise.

 

"I don't think it's a set back." Aline says as if it's the most obvious thing. Magnus raises an eyebrow in question, urging her to explain. "Well look, maybe some of those memories or whatever have been brought up during your private therapy sessions or maybe it was something else that brought them back." Aline inhales deeply. "What I'm trying to say is, that sometimes you fall back into old patterns, habits, flashbacks or nightmares while you're working through something hard that is related to those memories. But working through those things is progress, even when it feels more like a setback. We always expect things to go straight from bad to good. But sometimes, things get worse before they get better." Magnus thanks her and Alec notices the tiny gleam of hope in his eyes. Aline's words have an immediate effect on how Magnus holds himself, he doesn't sit slouched in his chair any more, the defeat has faded from his posture, instead there is new-found confidence.

 

A few other's take the opportunity to also assure Magnus that they've experienced something similar in their first few weeks, that it got better over time and that he shouldn't be discouraged by that, even if it is hard to believe that he'll ever get through this.

 

Alec has to smile, as he realizes that everyone here has their own problems to deal with. Yet the people don't forget about the well-being of other's and offer their support for nothing in return. They all care about each other in a way, Alec has never seen before. There is no pity in their voices when they give advice, just understanding and sympathy.

 

The session comes to an end eventually and the therapist asks them all to say a few sentences about today's session. And while at the beginning of the session Alec had been super nervous to speak in front of the others, the words roll easy off his tongue now as it is his turn.

 

"I really liked it. I've never had any group sessions before, so I didn't know what to expect. But seeing how supportive everyone here is, it amazes me." He earns a few smiles from the others and shortly after, they're released from today's session.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec is about to head up the stairs and back to his room, when he remembers that Nurse Loss scheduled the x-ray right after the session. Groaning, he turns on his heels and heads back to the corridor where all the examination rooms and doctors' offices are situated. He can't help but be slightly annoyed with having to do this. He's sure his hand is fine, even if the pain in his hand has only increased since this weird black-out of his. Something, he's sure he should report back to the nurses' office.

 

Twenty minutes later he's sitting in the same waiting area from yesterday, when he'd been but a bundle of nerves, waiting to be called back in to the doctor's office to get the results. For the first time after the weird breakfast-incident, he has time to fully focus his mind on what happened back there.  It is scary to think that he isn't in total control of his own body, that he'd walked up to his room unconsciously. How was that even possible? Of course he'd heard of people being drugged in clubs, leaving them willingly and without any recollection of what happened the next morning. But as far as he remembers, he didn't take anything and he highly doubts that anyone in here would spike his drink. Also, he'd been out of his conscience for an hour and not for an entire night.

 

The doctor standing in the door way, calling his name is what pulls him out of his train of thoughts. She leads him into her office where the x-rays are stuck to a screen. She points at them and explains that his middlefinger's knuckle and bone is fractured. Since the open wounds on his knuckles still need to heal, he only has to wear a brace, instead of a cast, that immobilises the finger in question for at least four weeks, depending on how quickly his bones grow back together.

 

It's annoying and Alec can't help but feel like he has fucked up all over again. He didn't mean to hurt himself. None of that was supposed to happen. He inhales shakily and lets the doctor do her work, applying the brace to his hand.

 

After everything is set and done and he's back in his room, he wants nothing more than to pull the white covers over his head and sleep the day away. He feels horrible, fatigue finally catching up. His mind is sluggish and he doesn't even notice Jace coming into the room, plopping down on his bed.

 

He's lying on his side, knees pulled up to his chest, staring against the yellow, almost white wall. It's a pity-party no one but Alec is allowed to attend. He feels like shit, he can't shake the confusion over what happened at breakfast and then there is that thought nagging at the back of his mind, basically begging him to go through the pictures that always torment him in his dreams as they do when he's awake. But he can't let that happen. The incident in the bathroom had been enough for today - and that had only been a short sneak peek of what else his traitorous mind could do to him.

 

Ragged breaths fill the room and it takes Alec a moment to realize that it's not someone creeping up behind his back, but himself. His ears feel like they're filled with cotton balls, muffling his hearing. A wave of dizziness washes over him and he's glad that he's already lying down, otherwise he surely would have lost his stance, probably fallen over.

 

"-ec! Alec!" He faintly hears someone calling out for him and freezes for a second, then curls up in on himself even more. His chest tightens and there is something clocked down his throat, blocking his windpipe. Gasping for air that won't fill his lungs, he barely hears the muffled footsteps on the carpeted floor. The presence of someone behind him, however, he senses in an instant. It doesn't help his breathing at all and his shoulders begin to ache from the tension.

 

"Alec listen to me." The voice, Alec is unable to associate it with Jace at the moment, says from somewhere far away. "Alec, you're safe, you're in hospital. Listen to my breathing." But Alec can't. He squints his eyes shut instead, his mind blank. For a while it's just him gasping and heaving with Jace squatting beside his bed trying to help Alec even out his breathing. To no avail.

 

Alec doesn't notice Jace getting up, pressing the red button underneath the light switch that calls for a nurse, his fingers shaking. Alec doesn't notice nurse Loss quietly entering the room, closing the door behind her, exchanging hushed words with Jace.

 

He has no idea how but eventually he doesn't have to gasp any more as he can feel the air flowing in through his windpipe, filling his lungs. He let's go of his legs and slowly rolls over onto his back. His shoulders hurt and there is a strain in his neck.

 

Nurse Loss and Jace are standing beside his bed, looking down at him and Alec wishes the ground would open and swallow him whole. He squirms a little under their gazes but before the silence between them turns uncomfortable, Jace excuses himself, sending a reassuring nod Alec's way. Nurse Loss pulls a chair over and sits down. With a gentle voice, she starts asking questions revolving around the panic attack. He tells her that there wasn't any concrete trigger, just the overall shitty morning he'd had and the broken finger being the tip of the iceberg. He even touches on the flashback, just spares her all the details. She listens silently, just interrupting when she has trouble following up.

 

People always say that talking about what's been bothering them makes them feel lighter. But honestly, Alec still feels like everything's crushing down on him. The only positive outcome of this conversation is Nurse Loss scheduling him for a group that focuses on coping mechanisms. 

 

When she leaves the room, he's still lying in bed, not planning on getting up anytime soon. Since he's not forced to go down to the dining hall he might as well just stay in bed until the next therapy session that is scheduled for today.

 

The hours trickle by, his mind remaining blank. There is a second where he regrets not telling the nurse about this freaky black-out this morning. But the worry of being locked away for that exact reason is what makes him slip back into that state devoid of any emotion of his.

 

At some point, Jace comes back into the room. He doesn't say anything, his silence much appreciated by Alec. Suddenly, Alec thinks of his sister and how much he misses her, even though it's been just a day since he last saw her. She probably wouldn't know what to do with him either, but she'd take him in her arms now. Maybe crawl into bed beside him and just hold him until he felt a little bit better. She was his rock, whenever he felt like he couldn't be alone, she'd come by. Though Alec didn't like the unfairness of it all. She'd always drop everything when he needed her while there wasn't anything he ever did for her, at least that's what it always feels like.

 

"Jace?" Alec finds his voice, even if it's just a weak whisper. Jace hears him nonetheless, looking up from his book, "Yeah?"

 

"Do you know if I can make a phone call?"

 

"Sure." Jace supplies "There's a phone down the hallway, free off charge. You can use it from 8 am to 10.30 pm."

 

Alec slowly gets up, unwrapping himself from the blanket that served as some kind of shield from the outside world. If there is a chance to talk to Izzy then he has to take it, now. He needs to hear her voice, even if it's just for a minute.

 

Jace is right, after walking down the hallway, Alec finds the phone hanging in the wall opposite to the nurses' office. Hastily, Alec dials the one number he'll always know by hard.

 

Izzy is quick to pick up, despite the unknown number and Alec feels calmer in an instant when he hears her voice.

 

"Alec, is everything okay?" She asks, as soon as she hears his torn voice. Alec's never been able to hide his emotions from her, she always saw right through him, even on the phone.

 

"Yeah, everything's just bit -" he sucks in a  sharp breath "How is it back home?" Closing his eyes, leaning his back against the wall he hopes that she'll take the bait. He doesn't want to speak about himself, not yet. Everything has become too much already and even if it's just listening to Izzy talking about her grocery shopping list, he'll take it as a distraction from himself. She hesitates, probably pondering on whether to give in to his evasion tactic. "Please, Iz. Just - just tell me something, anything." He pleads, before she can push him further into talking.

 

"Well, not much has happened since I dropped you off yesterday." She starts softly. "Today is my free day and Jay and I went to the gym this morning. Well, Jay kind of dragged me there." Alec chuckles. Jay and Izzy have been sharing an apartment for almost a year now and while Izzy enjoys working out, she prefers to sleep in, unlike Jay who lives by the motto 'the early bird catches the worm'. Unfortunately for Izzy, Jay can be quite persuasive and so Izzy doesn't have mch of a choice but to follow Jay into the gym during the early morning hours. No matter how often Izzy complains though, Alec is sure that she actually enjoys spending that much time with Jay.

 

"By the way," Izzy's voice turns diffident, "what should I tell Jay if she asks about you?" Alec hadn't even thought about his friends wondering where he'd dissappeared to all of a sudden and what to tell them as a response. They are his friends, yet he doesn't feel like they would understand. They know what happened, what brought him here in the first place. But they don't know about the sleepless nights, the nightmares or the days where he gets nothing done, not even taking care of himself. They don't know what images flash in front of his eyes, coming out of nowhere and taking him by surprise or the outbreaks he has yet to learn to get under control. But Jay is close to Izzy. And surely, Izzy  doesn't go unfazed by all that has been going on with Alec, she should be allowed to vent to someone. And Jay seems to be that kind of person who doesn't judge someone for their struggles.

 

"You can tell her." Alec croaks out, after a moment of consideration. "Just don't - Don't tell anyone else, yet." She promises and Alec sighs, relieved. He knows he can trust Izzy's word.

 

"What are the people in there like?" Izzy asks after a short moment of silence.

 

"Everyone I've met so far is - Everyone is super nice." Alec huffs out a weak laugh. "And my room mate doesn't just sit in the corner, mumbling gibberish. He's actually pretty nice. And uhm -" he breaks off somewhat sheepishly "he knows about the nightmares."

 

"Alec, that's great!" He can hear Izzy's genuine joy in her voice. Izzy knows about the walls he has built around himself. She knows how guarded he holds himself and what it takes for him to let those walls down, to open up to someone. He'd barely let her in on everything that's going on. And she knows how big of a deal it is for him to open up about something that might seem so minor to others.

 

Izzy asks somemore about the other patients, Alec tells her about the night he spent with Magnus in the common room and the first evening in the music room with a few other patients. She listens intently and for a moment, Alec is able to forget what a shit day today already is.

 

They hang up eventually, but not after Izzy assures him to come visit soon. "Love you." Alec says before he hangs up, feeling a little lighter.

 

"Your girlfriend?" A velvety voice sounds behind him, making him turn around aprubtly. It's Magnus, the dark rings under his eyes more prominent than they were this morning during breakfast.

 

"No, no it's not - I'm not-" he stumbles, his face heating up "I was talking to my sister." Magnus grins in lieu of an answer, one eyebrow arched. Alec excuses himself awkwardly, needing the comfort of his own room again. Talking to Izzy was distracting and calming in some ways. But at the same time it was inexplicably exhausting and he's not sure if he's able to keep up a conversation with someone he barely knows, despite his instant liking in Magnus. But Magnus seems like that type of person who understands and lets him off, without asking any questions.

 

Jace is rummaging through his closet when Alec comes in through the door. His hair is standing up to all sides and it looks like he's been running his hand through it over and over again. He looks up at Alec, he weak smile on his lips. Looks, like Alec isn't the only one who's having a bad day. Alec is taken over by guilt that settles in his stomach. Guilt, for Jace having to deal with his unstable room mate while he is clearly struggling himself.

 

Alec sits down on the edge of his bed with the urge to say something. But is it his business to know what's going on with Jace? Wouldn't it come off as noisy to ask what's wrong?

 

"Hey, Jace," Alec tries instead "about earlier -"

 

"Huh?" Jace jerks around, facing him, looking as though Alec had just pulled him out of his deepest thoughts.

 

"I just wanted to thank you for calling Nurse Loss and uh - also apologize for having to do that. If there is anything I can do for you -" Alec waves his hands through the air, struggling to find the right words.

 

"Thank you. And don't worry about it." He receives a small smile and a simple nod from Jace. Alec senses that Jace doesn't feel like talking and so, he leans back against the wall and closes his eyes, trying to get some more rest before he has to go to art therapy.

 

Art therapy - he's not sure how to feel about that. Art has never really been his thing and he has no idea if that's required for said form of therapy. Also, he kind of expects it to be like it's always depicted in the movies, where the artsy protagonist blows everyone's mind by creating some deep drawing or painting. But then again, he also expected the group session from earlier to be like they're always shown in the movies. But the group hadn't chanted 'welcome xyz' every time someone had introduced themselves.

 

 

Half an hour later, Alec finds himself waiting in front of the room used for crafting and painting. A low chatter surrounds him, coming from the other patients who are, like him, waiting for the therapist to let them enter the room. The group consists out of the same patients from the verbal group therapy. Maia, Magnus and Aline listen to Simon rambling on about something while Alec stands a few feet away from them, not in the mood to engage in any social interaction.

 

Eventually, the door is opened by a petit woman with gray short hair, glasses hanging around her neck. She smiles at them as they enter the room that is stuffed with all sorts of crafting material. Every group member takes one of the aprons hanging off the hooks on the wall and Alec follows suit.

 

In the middle of the room stands a big table, with about 15 chairs standing around it. Suddenly, he's hit with a new fear: where to sit? The room is buzzing and for a second, Alec is overwhelmed. Everyone is rushing to take a seat and Alec doesn't know where to go. That is, when Magnus waves him over, patting on the seat next to him. Alec sends him a grateful smile and flops down next to Magnus.

 

"You looked a little lost there." Magnus starts and Alec is already turning his mind over for a good response, when the therapist clears her throat and the commotion in the room dies down. She introduces her self as doctor Brown and welcomes the newcomers - Alec and Simon. She explains the procedure, that they'll be asked to draw or craft something fitting to the topic she'll be giving at the beginning of each session. She soothes Alec's worry of not being artistic enough, saying that it doesn't matter how good their work is, as long as it represents something.

 

Today's topic is 'something held dear to heart' and Alec's mind immediately jumps to his family, or to what is left of it after his parents had cut all ties to him. He snatches a sheet of paper of the stack lying in table's centre, gathers some brushes and squeezes some acrylic paint on a pallet to get going. He quietly curses himself for having punched the bathroom wall with his right hand, since the brace around his finger limits his fine motor skills quite a bit. He catches a few people staring at his hand. But who can blame them? It looks horrible, the knuckles are cracked, green-yellow bruises circling them and his middle finger is swollen, also bruised. He uncomfortably glances over to Magnus to escape the other's boring eyes.

Magnus picks up a pencil and draws some outlines on his blank sheet. Alec stops himself from oggling and gets to work instead.

 

He's so engrossed in getting the last touches to his painting right, that he almost doesn't hear Doctor Brown declaring that it's now time to present their works to the rest of the group. Alec feel his shoulders go tense but tries to play it cool. They're all in the same position - more or less - and he can't be the only one who's struggling with talking about something so personal in front of people he barely even knows.

 

Mira, the woman who sat next to him during their verbal group session, goes first. She has drawn what looks like a family picture. She explains that she has two children who are now staying with her husband at home and whom she misses dearly.

 

When it's finally Alec's turn, his face heats up and he knows that his cheeks have turned red.

"I uhm, I painted a part of the garden that belongs to the cottage I got to spend most of my summer holidays at while growing up. Me and my siblings spent hours hiding away from our parents out there. And it always were the most carefree hours of the day." He inwardly slaps himself as his voice begins to waver at the end. While painting, it didn't hurt so much, thinking about what once had been. But saying these things out loud, it stings. _No weakness allowed_.

 

Magnus is to speak next. He has drawn an orange tabby cat nuzzled up on a black couch. Alec is amazed by the little details, the wrinkles on the turquoise throw blanket, the fine pencil strokes that make out the whiskers and the accuracy in the cat's one eye that is opened.

 

"This is Chairman Meow, my cat who's been the only constant in my life so far. I guess it's quite pathetic to say about a cat but we've been through some shit together. And if I could, I'd bring him here as well." He smiles sadly and Alec can sympathise with him. People often underestimate the impact a pet can have on one's life. Izzy has suggested adopting a dog quite often. And Alec had only turned her down because he was worried about neglecting the dog. Maybe, when he gets out of here he'll contemplate Izzy's idea one more time.

 

The session comes to an end and Alec feels the tension roll off his shoulders. The painting itself was quite relaxing but everything else, the talking and presenting was nothing but stressful. Though it has helped get his thoughts away from the struggles of this morning and afternoon.

 

* * *

 

 

Now, he's back in his room again and wants nothing more but to be able to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. But the chances are pretty thin for that to happen. He has to go to dinner first, anyway. Jace has offered him a sandwich he sneaked up from lunch earlier, since he only had breakfast. But he politely turned it down. He lost his appetite ever since he stepped into the bathroom this very morning. But unfortunately, his body is already lacking energy and skipping another meal today isn't exactly helping.

 

Jace still hasn't returned to the room when it's time for dinner, so Alec goes down to the dining hall on his own. It's early, but Alec just wants it to get over with so that he can go take a shower, put on more comfortable clothes, maybe read a little and go to sleep (or at least try to) eventually.

 

Sitting down at the still empty table, he eyes whatever it is that is lying on the plate in front of him and has to do everything in his power not to gag. Carefully, he pokes the brown something with his fork. It's mushy. It's unidentifiable, mushy and it smells - well, it smells like something inedible would smell like. Maybe he was a little quick to judge the hospital's meal offerings.

 

"Still not scared of the food?" Magnus plops down next to him, face pulled into a grimace, clearly as horrified as Alec is.

 

"Well, now I am." Alec is quick to answer, scooping some of that paste onto his fork, only to let it fall back onto the plate. Not only is it mushy, but sticky and slabby as well, since it's hanging from Alec's fork, slowly lowering itself down to the plate. "What the hell is this?" He asks, merely to himself.

 

Magnus just shrugs and dibs his pinky into the pulp, liking it carefully. Alec can't help but chuckle as Magnus shudders, a nauseated expression on his face. "Well, it's clearly inedible." He pushes his tray farther away.

 

Alec is encouraged to try as well and lunges for the glass of water next to his plate, as soon as the overly sweet mush makes contact with his tongue. "Yep. The food is definitely what's going to keep me awake from now on."

 

 "Told you." Magnus seems to be pleased with himself, at least for a second, before he remembers that there isn't much else to eat. "At least I'll have some reliable company every night then." Magnus says jokingly. By now, Alec has figured out that Magnus' joking demeanour is just a facade to hide what lies underneath. Alec doesn't blame him, though. Quite the contrary, actually. He's got the feeling as if they've got a lot in common on that department. Alec might not be hiding behind sarcasm and snarky remarks, but he's hiding nonetheless. With Magnus though, it seems quite easy to fall into light-hearted, sarcastic banter.

 

"At your service." Alec manages a soft laugh. "Though I'd really like to be able to sleep through one full night, just once."

 

"I'll tell the kitchen staff, maybe they'll take pity on you and cook up something decent, so you can sleep. But only once." Alec smirks and forces himself to eat at least the half of what's on his plate. He catches Magnus' appalled expression as he forces the first loaded fork into his mouth and just shrugs. He has to eat something. As he's swallowing fork of bitter-sweet mush (he suspects it's supposed to be burned semolina porridge) Magnus gets up without a word, leaving a confused Alec behind.

 

Did he do something wrong? Did he hurt Magnus in any way?

 

Alec is emptying his glass of water to wash down some of the disgustingly sweet yet coal-like taste when Magnus returns, two apples and a plate with cheese sandwiches in hand. He hands Alec the apple wordlessly and places the plate between them, a satisfied grin on his face.

 

"How'd you do that?" Alec asks, surprised how excited the sight of a simple cheese sandwich can get him. Magnus' grin only widens as he drops the fork onto the tray and hesitantly grabs a sandwich instead.

 

"Oh the kitchen staff simply isn't immune to my charms." Magnus shrugs and takes a bite himself. They sit in silence for a while, just chewing. The table around them is still empty and Alec wonders where the others are. But before he can say such thing to Magnus, Magnus glances down at his hand which he has stopped hiding away ever since art therapy, deeming it useless to hide something so glaringly obvious, despite it making him vulnerable and severely insecure.

 

"What happened to your hand?" Magnus' voice is gentle and utterly careful, as if he knows that this isn't something Alec likes to talk about. Alec's shoulders go tense as soon as the question has left Magnus' mouth. And there is a hint of regret in Magnus' eyes.

 

"I'd -" the question has taken Alec by surprise "I'd rather not talk about it." He guiltily looks down, hoping that Magnus understands, that Magnus won't pry any further. Seeing the tenderness in Magnus' eyes as he shyly looks up, though, gives him hope and soothes his worries.

 

"It's alright, Alec." Magnus sounds almost apologetic. "I'm sorry I asked, I didn't mean to overstep."

 

"You didn't. Overstep, I mean." Alec fixes his eyes on the injured hand. "It's just - It's just hard to talk about." Magnus reaches out to him but drops his hand before Alec can feel his skin against his own.

 

"I get it." Magnus' velvety voice sounds again. Then, after a short moment of silence he adds, "Do you know where everyone else is? It's like they knew we'd be served sugared, mushy coal instead of a decent meal."

 

"I wanted to ask you the same." Alec chuckles slightly, grateful for the change of topics.

 

"What a bunch of traitors." Magnus shakes his head. "They could have warned us at least."

 

After they finish their sandwiches, they remain seated for a little while, the chatter flowing easily between them. Alec learns that Magnus used to work in the fashion industry but had to drop out as things got too stressful to handle. In return, Alec tells Magnus about how he had to drop out of grad school with only one year left to his degree because he'd been too caught up in 'other things' - as Alec likes to call it. Magnus understands and instead of asking question like 'what other things?' he is encouraging Alec, assuring him that if he wants to he can still finish his degree after having dealt with the 'other things'. Alec appreciates it. A lot. For some reason, Magnus makes him feel like he has made the right decision, that it's okay to put one self's well-being before academic success.

 

Though Magnus isn't the first one to tell him that. Izzy had told him often enough that he was obliged to take care of himself and that nothing mattered more than that. Maybe, it's because Magnus has a better idea of what it feels like having to give up that one thing you think you'll succeed at. Maybe, it's because Izzy has no idea what it feels like to fail yourself like that - not that Alec knows of, that is.

 

In a way, Alec can say that he relates to Magnus. They might not have been through the same, at least he highly doubts they have. But they're both here to work through whatever their minds are plaguing them with. Magnus knows what it's like to be yourself up about not even being able to stay on the job or finish something others do with ease. He knows what it's like to be the one constantly failing while everyone else is on the high road to success. It's an instant connection between them and Alec has to bite the inside of his cheek in order to hold back the smirk that is tugging at his lips at the thought of how cheesy and insignificant this might seem like to outsiders.

 

As they converse, they talk about everything and nothing, careful to avoid possible touchy subjects such as childhood and family. And it's astonishing how easily Magnus manages Alec to forget about the strain in his shoulders that has been there for the entire day. For a short moment, Alec even allows himself to enjoy himself, despite the shitty day he had so far.

 

 Eventually, they head up the stairs and back to their ward. It's eerily silent and Alec seriously wonders if he and Magnus missed something. Magnus sends him a confused look which Alec mirrors with a shrug of his shoulders.

 

They decide to head back to their respective rooms and Alec opens the book lying on his bedside table and starts to read. When he looks up again, it's dark outside and Jace hasn't returned yet. A look at the alarm clock tells him that it's almost 9.30. Closing the book, he gets up and heads for the common room. His head is throbbing and he is no longer able to concentrate on the printed words before him. So instead of sitting on his bed in silence, dreading the night already, he might try distracting himself with watching some tv.

 

The common room is - who would have thought that - empty. He grabs the remote from the wooden coffee table which is decorated with some colourful flowers standing on a white tea cloth. He zaps mindlessly through the channels and lands on a re-run of _MasterChef_. He watches Gordon Ramsay pass judgement on the contesters and his mind slips away. As it does, he can't help but feel lonely, the big seating area not making it any better.

 

He is in a foreign place, surrounded by strangers, all alone. It doesn't matter that he gets along well with Jace and the others he has met so far. It doesn't matter that he feels understood and strangely safe when he's with Magnus. Because how well does he really know them? It's only his second day here and it's hard for him to differentiate between people only being nice to him out of politeness and people actually meaning it. What if they all just pretend to be nice because they have to?

 

It's not that he doesn't trust Magnus. It's just that he has learned from previous experiences not to be too naive. A few hours ago, back in the dining hall with Magnus, Alec would have pushed those thoughts away. But now that he is alone, he lets the doubt eat at him.

 

He knows it's toxic. He knows it, yet he lets it roll over him and consume his mind.

 

A nurse in light blue scrubs standing in the doorway pulls him out of his thoughts. She smiles kindly, asking him to return to his room in a matter of five minutes since it's nearing 11 o'clock - the time the common room needs to be cleared.

 

Jace is lying in bed already, greeting Alec with a simple 'hey', not looking up from the book in his hands. Alec takes a quick shower, purposefully avoiding the look into the mirror and puts on his comfort-sweater and the sweatpants from last night.

 

As he returns to the room, he spots a chocolate bar, a sandwich wrapped up in a plastic container and a small bag of chips lying on his bed. Confused, he turns to Jace. "Is this for me?"

 

"Yeah." This time when Jace speaks, he looks up from his book. "Clary and I went into town tonight and I thought you might like something else to eat than shitty hospital food." Alec is clearly taken aback by this act of kindness. The nurse yesterday had explained that after three weeks the patients are allowed to leave the hospital premises, once a therapist deems them stable enough.

 

"Wow. Thank you." Alec says sincerely. It's astonishing how much impact one small gesture can have. His doubts get pushed away further and he suddenly feels stupid for doubting Jace's kindness in the first place. "Wow." He says again, having trouble to express his gratitude properly.

 

Jace just brushes it off with a small smile and a wave of his hands. "No problem."

 

The room is dark, the night light being the only source of light. Alec is staring at the ceiling again, this time though, he can practically feel his body slipping away into slumber. His eyelids are getting heavier and heavier until they're fully shut. His mind is getting sluggish as he lists Cities from A to Z in his head (he's currently looking for a city beginning with K) and soon he isn't even able to focus on that as his mind is plunged into darkness. His limbs lie heavy on the mattress, warmth spreading through them. And with that, he finally falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Jace isn't a light sleeper, he isn't a particularly heavy sleeper either. But he'd gotten used to blocking his former room mate's whimpers and sometimes even yells out in his sleep. He'd woken up several times during the first week but had been quick to adjust.

 

Now, however, he jolts awake as a violent scream pierces through his ear, sending shivers down his spine. He tenses, confused at first as to where he is, mind still clouded from sleep. But it clicks in his mind as another, even louder scream comes from the other side of the room, the anguish and fear audible.

 

He shoots up to his feet, not thinking clearly and rushes to Alec's bedside. Alec is kicking and screaming in his sleep, throwing himself from side to side, fists clenched, even the injured hand. The screams are only interrupted by weak wimpers and something, Jace can't really make out. He stands there, frozen to the spot, his mind blank. He just watches Alec pulling in on himself, sobs escaping his mouth before he starts kicking out again.

 

"Stop. Stop." Alec whimpers, pleads. And then, "Max!" It's not a whimper. It's a roar, much louder than the screams before. This sets Jace in motion, he's about to grab Alec by his arms when he remembers Alec's appeal to him to call the nurse in case he has a nightmare.

 

 

It's scary to see Alec throw his fist around, threatening the nurse in that confused and disoriented state of his, induced with fear. And it's scary to hear Alec growling as two other nurses rush in to help fixate him. He tries to struggle himself free, more desperate screams coming out of his mouth. Then, Alec visibly collapses in on himself and only weak whimpers fill the room.

 

"He's coming, he's coming." Alec heaves out after a while, his breath coming out short. From where Jace stands at the door, he can see Alec's hands shaking violently. And he feels nothing but sympathy for him. He's been there himself. Maybe his nightmares weren't as bad as Alec's are. But he knows what it feels like to be unable to tell the difference between dream and reality. He remembers how ashamed he always was afterwards for having threatened innocent people. But also for having revealed his vulnerable side in front of people he barely even knew.

 

Silently, not to startle Alec, Jace slips out onto the hallway and takes a deep breath. Questions start filling his mind. Questions, he is in no position to ask. The most prominent one is of course, ' _What happened'_ , but at the same time he also wishes to never get to know the answer. Whatever it was, it seemed much worse than 'just' a beating from his father or a car crash (not that these two things aren't terrible).

 

" _He's coming, he's coming_." The fear in Alec's voice but also his eyes had been evident and Jace can't get the picture of Alec slouched on the side of his bed, hands fisting into his sweat pants out of his head as his words echo through Jace's mind. _'Who?'_ , Jace wants to ask. _'Who is coming?'_ But again, it's not his place to ask.

 


	2. one trip and you're back that way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Alec's night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, this chapter is a bit shorter than the first one (sorry) and it took me some to write this because I was busy dealing with some stuff but well. 
> 
> Again, I'd like to apologize for my punctuation and any other mistakes (and for accidentally throwing american and british english together) 
> 
> argh! I've just realized that it says that Alec already has his master's degree. But well.. he doesn't. Sorry D:
> 
> Trigger warnings:  
> gun violence  
> description of blood  
> abusive relationships  
> self-harm 
> 
> severe panic attack in the second paragraph (I'll put a summary of what happens in that paragraph in the end notes so don't worry if you don't feel well enough to read it)  
> if I forgot anything, please tell me!

Alec is staring at the ceiling again, still shaken from his dream. They had given him something to help him calm down but he'd refused to take anything that would make him fall asleep again. He can't trust himself any more. And he certainly doesn't trust any pills that promise him to be sound asleep when it's actually just an illusion, a big lie. 

 

So now he has to do with dizziness and muffled thoughts that keep swirling through his head. The images of his dream keep coming back to him. This time though, he doesn't panic - thanks to whatever it was they gave him.

 

He sees the people cowering on the floor , silently praying that they're not going to be next.

Alec is one of them. Though he's not worried about himself, at least not as much. A few of them hadn't been granted this wish, their lifeless bodies sprawled out on the floor painted with blood.

 

The next image is a gun barrel aimed in his direction. But it's not pointed at him. He looks at the blond man who's not much older than he is. Maybe the man is even younger than Alec. He stares right into the cold eyes that are devoid of any emotion. He doesn't even bat an eye as Alec begins to beg and plead.

 

Then, Alec sees himself running, disoriented, not knowing if the staircase he's taking leads him up to the roof or somewhere else. It's like seeing a film running in front of his eyes. The slow, self-assured footsteps close behind him.

 

 

It's Jace who pulls him out of his thoughts. Alec doesn't miss the worry flashing over Jace's face as he sits up slowly, trying to fight dizzy feeling.

 

"You okay?" Jace asks softly. Alec nods, guilt washing over him. He had woken up Jace. Jace had called for the nurses. Jace had seen him at his weakest. Jace had seen him lashing out at the nurses. If Jace is scared of him now, Alec really can't blame him. He'd be too.

 

Jace doesn't say much more and just patiently waits for Alec to get ready for breakfast. When he steps out of the bathroom, he sees the  questions written in Jace's face. And again, Alec can't blame him. He'd have questions, too. He has no idea what he said while he was out of it, what he revealed. Alec wouldn't blame if Jace asked but he hopes he doesn't. Because what is he supposed to answer?

 

* * *

 

 

The dining hall is crowded this morning and since the medication seems to be wearing off, anxiety is picking up. The clatter of cutlery and the chatter that is filling the entire room aren't any help. With shaking fingers, he fills his plate with a slice of toast and an apple and makes his way to the table where Clary, Simon, Raphael, Ragnor, Maia and Magnus are seated. Right now, he'd prefer to sit alone in a secluded corner, away from all the noise. But what would the others think?

 

With a nod as a greeting, he sits down and starts pulling the slice of toast apart, his appetite absent as always. Magnus, Clary and Simon all try to draw him into a conversation but leave him be as Alec barely averts his eyes to look at them, his shoulders only shrugging weakly in response to Magnus' question. Luckily, none of them ask what's going on.

 

The chatter sounding through the entire dining hall gets only louder the more people pour in through the doors and Alec has trouble remaining seated and not to leave without having eaten at least one bit. There are people laughing around him, the sound pounding in his head, making him stiffen. There is so much going on around him, he doesn't know what to focus on. The conversation at the table he's sitting at gets drowned out by all the noises happening around them, piercing through his ears and skull. He can't filter the words being said right in front of him from everything else that is happening around him: people moving around the table, cutlery clinking against plates and glasses, people talking and laughing, trays being put down on to the table and chairs being pushed back, scraping obnoxiously against the floor.

 

His heart is pounding hard and his pulse becomes audible to his own ears, the pumping palpable. As if the other noises aren't enough already. He takes notice of the uncomfortable pressure on his chest and breathes in slowly. With his lips pressed together tightly he slowly counts down from 10 to 1 in his mind, his entire focus on the numbers in his head. He has had similar experiences like this before and at some point he found that getting himself focusing on numbers instead of what's going on around him has proved itself effective most of the time.

 

Slowly, his heart rate goes back to normal and the pulsing in his ears faints. He doesn't know if anyone around him notices his struggle but frankly, he doesn't care. At least not enough to let his mind go unfocused again. It works, the pressure on his chest dying down again.

 

He glances up and meets Magnus' eyes who's been eyeing him the whole time. The smile on Magnus' lips is warm and it's like Magnus knows what Alec did. He doesn't comment on it, just silently telling Alec that it's okay to be this way, that he understands without Alec having to lay all cards all out on the table. 

 

Alec returns the smile and finally feels at ease enough to chew on that dry slice of toast that isn't in one piece any more. It's not enough to satisfy his grumbling stomach at all, but it's a start. And probably all he'll get down for now.

 

He's still shaky and the clamour resonating through the dining hall is still being hard on him. But he's more set on to what is before him. It's not so loud any more.

 

It is when he takes a sip of water that someone drops their tray with a loud crash, shattering the plate into tiny pieces, the cutlery clattering to ground. Alec flinches hard at that, losing grip of the glass in his hand, sending it flying down to the ground. In a matter of seconds, his breathing quickens and everything gets too loud, too intense again. For a moment he just sits there frozen, like a deer caught in the headlights. He passively gets up eventually, stumbling out of the dining hall and into the restroom nearby. He's panting heavily as he slides down the wall, hands buried in his dark, unruly hair.

 

He should not be freaking out over something like this. He should be able to handle someone clumsily dropping their tray.

 

The burning pressure against his chest is back again while he is gasping for air that simply won't fill his lungs. His vision has turned blurry and he can barely make out his shaking fingers as he pulls his hands out of his hair to rub them over his eyes. Images start popping up again and he finds himself in a state between delusion and reality, hardly able to differentiate between the two.

 

Vaguely, through all the haze, he remembers what Izzy always told him to do in this case. Now, it may seem like something stupid and redundant to someone who's never found themselves in a situation like this. But repeating ' _My name is Alec Lightwood, I'm 25 years old, I'm in a restroom in Idris Psych Hospital, I'm safe_.' out loud is proving itself to be very effective in finding his footing back to reality again. Even with his voice being barely a whisper coming out between gasps.

 

Desperately, Alec runs his fingers through his hair again and again. He's not coming up for air any more but that doesn't mean that he doesn't feel like shit. Actually, he feels worse.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus sips at the abhorrent dishwater that the kitchen staff tries to sell them off as coffee, cursing inwardly. He usually gets his fix from the vending machine but unfortunately the janitor had it shut off for maintenance this morning so this is his only source for the much needed caffeine.

 

This night had been fairly calm compared to the nights before and now he's more or less well rested, listening to Simon ramble about the relationship between Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers, explaining to Magnus and everyone else sitting at their table that their bond actually runs deeper than 'best friends' and that Marvel should finally grow some and make LGBT+ superhero movies. Magnus agrees, at least on the last part.

 

Clary and Simon - who seem to get on like a house on fire - discuss the matter animatedly (the Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers situation for the most part) when Magnus spots a mob of unkempt hair dragging itself through the crowd around the breakfast bar and towards their table.

 

Magnus has taken an instant liking to Alec that night in the common room. The little banter between them had been refreshing and a small distraction from everything that's been going on lately. While he has gotten close to both Ragnor and Raphael and holds them dear to his heart, their never faltering scowls can be infectious at times. And despite Ragnors' dry humour Magnus had never enjoyed himself as much as he had that night and also during dinner the evening before.

 

By the way Alec holds himself though, Magnus can tell that he might not be up to some playful banter today. The dark rings under his eyes make his pale complexion stand out even more. The tension in Alec's shoulders is visible from miles away.

 

Alec isn't as talkative as the nights before and Magnus respects that. He finds himself in the exact same position more often than he likes to admit. Magnus finds himself wondering what had caused Alec's distress. Maybe a rough night? Well, it seems most likely to be just that. Or maybe a rough start into the day? Or maybe both.

 

Magnus watches as Alec absent-mindedly pulls his toast apart, coming to an abrupt stop. Magnus doesn't want to make Alec feel uncomfortable with his eyes fixed on him. But Alec doesn't even seem to notice. Magnus watches as Alec clenches and unclenches his hand that isn't in a brace, his eyes flickering around nervously, head tilted down.

 

The urge to reach out to the man sitting opposite to him is strong but Magnus knows better than to do that. It's obvious that Alec isn't doing well and being touched without consent could worsen his condition. Instead, he just keeps his eyes on Alec. He doesn't notice the tiny flinches coming from Alec whenever the noise around them picks up a little. He does, however, notice the concern in the way Jace eyes Alec from time to time. And he wants to ask so badly what's going on but he doesn't dare to. It's none of his business and if he were in Alec's place he wouldn't  want people to pry either.

 

 

"Magnus?" Clary pulls him out of his thoughts "Luke has a badminton tournament planned for tomorrow night, do you want to join?" They did that every once in a while, Luke being the one to put it all together. Magnus is grateful for Luke's consistent pushing for more group activities, otherwise he would still be stuck behind the walls he'd so carefully erected over the past years.

 

Luke has been quite helpful in general. It doesn't matter that he's on another ward that isn't mainly focused on trauma patients. Luke seemed to be a very open person from the beginning and when they met in the 'skills group therapy' Luke had taken Magnus under his wing, more or less. He'd given Magnus some solid advice on how to handle certain situations. But it isn't just that, he is easy to hang out with during free time with that positivity radiating off him. There are enough people in here who seem way too focused on the negativity in their life, tightly holding onto it and spreading it around, making the other patients take on it as well.

 

Magnus knows that it's hard to remain positive all the time, if that's even possible. But it's one thing to be stuck in that bubble of negativity for yourself and a whole other thing to pull other people in there as well, silencing their hope. And making them believe that their recovery is impossible to achieve.

 

It's not. It's hard to achieve but it certainly isn't impossible.

 

"Yeah, sure." Magnus smiles at her and averts his eyes back to Alec who has gone back to fumbling with what is on his plate, still not looking up. Magnus devours the oatmeal he put together, the sweet-sour taste of apples and cinnamon filling his mouth almost making up for the atrocity of a dinner yesterday.

 

 It is then that Alec looks up and smiles. His smile is fragile but Magnus can tell it's sincere nonetheless. His hazel eyes are still a little unsteady as Alec finally starts to eat. 

 

Magnus is about to ask Alec if he wants to join in on the tournament when everything goes downhill. While Magnus sees Chad bumping into Riley, causing him to drop the tray in his hands, Alec does not. The crash echoes through the entire dining, having everyone flinching a little. Alec however starts violently, throwing his hands up, dropping his glass in the process, causing everyone at the table to jump a little in their seats.

 

His eyes are clouded with sheer panic as he sits there, frozen to the spot, all blood drained from his face.

 

"Hey, you okay, buddy?" Jace asks softly but Alec doesn't hear him. A moment passes, Magnus and Jace sharing a look asking the other silently what to do, before Alec gets up without a word, staggering towards the doors. It reminds Magnus of what happened the day before when Alec had gone from anxiously eating toast to staring at the wall absolutely emotionless, eyes glassy, in a matter of seconds. He'd muttered something under his breath before he got up, taking the tray with him and placing it in the tray disposal. His movements seemed mechanical and he didn't seem as eager to get out as he does now.

 

"Should we follow him?" Magnus asks Jace, deeming that Jace knows his room mate a little better than he does. But Jace looks as uncertain as he feels. The others at the table remain silent until Simon suggests to at least tell the nurses. Jace just shakes his head. Magnus knows Jace is right. Magnus wouldn't want others to alert the nurses if he just stalked out of the room while the others have no idea what's actually going on.

 

They go back to eating, though Magnus feels a little bad for leaving it like this. Since he's done anyway, he excuses himself, discards the tray and heads for the doors. He has no idea why his brain tells him to go to the restroom now and not to wait until he's back in his room again. But here he stands, door handle still in hand, frozen as he looks down at Alec hunched up on the floor, knees pulled up to his chest, chin propped up on them.

 

Alec slowly turns his face towards Magnus, his deer eyes widening in embarrassment. He looks beaten,  pearls of sweat coating his forehead and upper lip.

 

"Uh, sorry." Magnus clears his throat "I didn't mean to- I didn't know you were here."

 

"It's okay." Alec croaks out, his voice raw. _Has he been screaming?_ , Magnus wonders. Someone clearly would have heard him screaming in here, so close to the kitchen.

 

"Can I?" Magnus gestures to the wall Alec is leaning against. Alec seems to understand and moves over to make some space for Magnus who gently slides down the wall right next to him, the urge to empty his bladder long forgotten.

 

It's silent for a while and they just sit there on the floor, Magnus staring at the opposite wall, tiled in boring plain white.

 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Magnus breaks through the silence, tilting his head so that he can get a better look at Alec whose fingers are still in a light tremor.

 

Alec is closing and opening his mouth multiple times before he speaks, "No- I don't- It's just-" He waves his hands through the air, searching for the right words. Magnus gives him the time he needs, knowing fully well what it's like to be lost for words when it comes to certain topics that aren't easy to talk about.

 

"Everything became too much, you know?" Alec whispers eventually. "Too loud."

 

"I get it." Magnus nods in understanding. "And it's okay to remove yourself from the situation then." Alec remains silent after that and it's clear that he no longer wants to talk about what just happened, so Magnus tries to steer the conversation into a different direction, if Alec is even up to have one. If not that's fine with him, too.

 

"I really miss the Chairman." He starts, eyeing Alec. "Do you have any pets waiting for you at home?" He watches Alec visibly relax, the tiny hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

 

"No, I don't. But as a kid we had a cat, Church." The smile on Alec's lips grows, his voice gaining more strength. "He never let anyone get near him. But for some reason, he was a beloved family member anyway."

 

"Cat's can be nasty little beasts." Magnus supplies, chuckling softly.

 

"Yeah. I think I'm more of a dog person, I guess." Magnus gasps, feigning offence. And he cheers inwardly as he gets a small chuckle out of Alec.

 

"You clearly only say that because you haven't met the Chairman yet."

 

"Maybe. But until I meet him I'll remain a convinced dog person." Alec quips back with ease. It's astounding how one simple question is able to brighten Alec's mood, even if it's just for a short period of time. If Magnus can turn Alec's day around just for a bit, he's glad to help.

 

"Have you ever considered actually getting a dog?"

 

"I have. But as of now I don't think I'd be the best care giver." Alec tilts his head up, eyes fixed to the ceiling. "Maybe I'll get one when I'm better." He adds in a mumble more to himself than for Magnus to hear.

 

"You do that." Magnus can't help but let a satisfied smirk settle on his lips. Hearing someone speaking with sanguine about the future is a rarity around here.

 

 They  sit on the cold bathroom floor, a comfortable silence enveloping them until Tony, a patient from the third ward, comes in and startles a little, not expecting anyone making use of the restroom for other purposes. 

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

 

Magnus and Alec both assure that it's fine, silently agreeing that it's time for them to head back to the ward and leave that small safe space of theirs behind, before Tony disappears in one of the stalls.

They ascend the stairs together and a look at Alec tells Magnus that he's deep in thought, fidgeting with the long sleeves of his shirt.

 

When they reach their floor, Alec opens and closes his mouth, just as he did in the restroom when he was looking for the right words to say. And again, Magnus waits patiently.

 

"Magnus, thank you." Alec eventually starts "Thank you for listening. And for distracting me. I really needed that." Alec is gazing down to his feet and Magnus notices the flimsy shade of pink that has taken over Alec's cheeks. It's an adorable, yet somewhat heartbreaking sight. Clearly, Alec isn't used to too many people actually showing that they care.

 

"Why, you're welcome, Alec. I'm glad I could help." The smile Magnus receives for his answer is sickenly sweet. And really, Magnus chides himself, when was the last time someone has ever had this big of an effect on him? Because for some unfathomable reason, Magnus' stomach tingles and a warmth spreads through him. Here is neither the place nor is it the right time to start pining after someone he barely even knows. He also has no idea if Alec is even attracted to men.

 

They part ways, knowing that they'll both have to get ready for therapy - CMT - soon.

 

* * *

 

Ragnor is writing in his notebook when Magnus comes back to their room, too engrossed to even notice Magnus' return. Magnus grins to himself. Ragnor is an author, a very committed one, who never lets go of an opportunity to write. Unfortunately, they aren't allowed to have any technical devices with them, so they old fashioned way has to do.

 

When Magnus had arrived, he'd been wary of his room mate. The greeting he'd received had been rather cold - just a clipped nod - and the communication between them had been one-sided. But soon, Magnus had come to learn that Ragnor is one of the few people here who don't take themselves too serious and, on top of that, also like to listen to others and give advice that is actually useful.

They have grown quite close in the course of a few weeks, confiding in each other every time it's needed and taking care of the other in any way possible, while respecting each other's boundaries.

 

While Magnus has learned to open up in his time in hospital already, there are still certain topics he refrains from talking about. At least, in front of other patients. In fact, Ragnor is the only patient he has ever mentioned his complicated and hurtful upbringing to. But even then he'd only touched the surface and left out all the painful details. Though he's sure Ragnor already has an idea of what his stepfather put him through, considering that Ragnor has been witness to him thrashing and screaming out in his sleep more than once.

 

Magnus has also kind of clued him in when he asked Ragnor not to stand too close to his bed while he is sleeping (it was rather uncomfortable to make a request like that). Ragnor didn't ask any questions, just a flash of understanding crossing his face as he nodded.

 

Ragnor's blunt way of expressing his opinion might scare other people but Magnus appreciates his refraining from sugar-coating everything. Honesty is what Magnus needs in his life. It makes it easier to build up trust.

 

 Since making use of the restroom for its actual purpose didn't go as planned earlier, he heads for the en suite bathroom to do his business. Absent-mindedly, he stares into the mirror above the sink, washing his hands. His face is bare of any make-up, which is unusual. Back home, make-up had been his armour, protecting the walls he had built up around himself. But here, there is no use in doing so. For one, half of the time it would be smudged due to all the spilled tears during therapy. And for another - although make-up is a passion of his - it's kind of symbolic for keeping everything to himself and not letting anyone in. And that simply isn't the purpose of all this. 

 

 Ragnor looks up from his writing when Magnus emerges from the bathroom, his face blank, as it's the case most often. Magnus just quirks an eyebrow but says nothing. He's used to this by now. 

 

"Where did you disappear to?"

 

"Oh, just bumped into Alec and we talked a bit.", is all Magnus says. It's not his place to fill Ragnor in on the state Magnus found Alec in, hunched on the bathroom floor. He's sure Alec wouldn't appreciate Magnus something rather personal with someone Alec only knows by face. Ragnor seems to understand, of course he does. He's never one for prying information out of someone.

 

The rest of the time Magnus has before he needs to get going to be on time for therapy they spend in silence, Ragnor going back to writing and Magnus busying himself with the historian novel he's planned on finishing this week.

 

 CMT is Magnus' favourite form of therapy, though it had been quite difficult at first to just go along with it. He'd heard other patients on the ward call it 'kindergarten' and 'playgroup' and frankly, he can't blame them. Some of the exercises seem ridiculous and their purpose is hardly obvious to any of them. Some of the exercises make him beyond uncomfortable and he has to step out for a bit, especially when it comes to people invading his personal space. But that's what it is about: overcoming your fears, learning to accept them, getting to know the responses of your body and setting up boundaries for yourself. 

 

He eyed Alec from where he was cuddled up on the cushion he placed on the floor, a lilac throw blanket wrapped around his shoulders and his back leaning against the fluffy pillow propped up against the wall. If his facial expression is anything to go by, Alec seems to be wary of the situation. While everyone else of their group, save for Simon, had picked up cushions, pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, massage balls or other things to hold in their hands, Alec just watched them for a moment until he awkwardly grabbed a cushion himself and sat down, tension evident in his shoulders. Simon was just as awkward but didn't just go for one cushion but also a pillow to lean against.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec still feels the heat lingering on his cheeks when he comes back to his room. He's not used to getting flustered so easily. But then again, he isn't used to people he just met being so caring. When Magnus found him sitting on the tiled bathroom floor, he'd felt nothing but shame. But for some reason, he'd allowed Magnus to sit with him. Not because he felt obliged to but because he wanted to. He'd even told Magnus what was going on, at least a part of it.

 

Something told him that Magnus could be trusted. Alec still can't pinpoint what it is with Magnus that makes him feel that way. But for some reason, he doesn't care. Magnus had distracted him, hadn't pryed for things Alec can hardly talk about. Instead, Magnus recognized his need for a distraction and had changed the topic to something less taxing.

 

Jace is already waiting in their room, brows furrowed in concern. Alec braces himself for a storm of questions, though he thinks Jace to be a person to respect his privacy. But it's not only that. He also braces himself for being judged for his recent behaviour. Storming out like that, upset over basically nothing isn't really considered 'normal'. But then again, what even is normal? He often tends to forget where he is. They're all here to deal with their own baggage, they all have their own problems and struggle in their own way. That doesn't automatically mean, of course, that they stop judging all together. But they are more aware of what's going on and maybe not as quick to judge as people in the 'outside world'. But who knows what's really going on inside people's minds?

 

Overthinking. Again.

 

Alec inhales deeply before he faces Jace. Without a word he awkwardly sits down on his bed, fidgeting with the hems of his long-sleeved shirt. The silence hangs thick between them and Alec frantically turns his mind over to come up with something, anything, to say.

 

Jace saves him eventually, "are you alright?" The worry is evident in his voice but Alec can also tell that Jace doesn't want to overstep. There is a hesitation there that eases the everlasting tension in Alec's shoulders.

 

"Yeah, I'm - I'm better." Alec fixes his eyes on his hands that are now rubbing over his knees, the feeling of the fabric of the jeans he's wearing helping to ground himself. "I'm sorry for acting so - weird."

 

"Hey," Jace says softly, "there is nothing to apologize for. You needed some time out and you allowed yourself just that. It's a good thing, you know?" 

 

Alec doesn't tell Jace that it would have been impossible for him to stay in the dining hall any longer. He doesn't tell Jace that he solely acted on instinct, not thinking about what's good for him. He just nods, lips pulled into a tight smile. What is he supposed to say? He ponders on that for a moment, before he all but whispers, "thanks."

 

It's silent again. This time, however, Alec doesn't feel like it's suffocating him.  Alec gets up and snatches the schedule that is lying on the desk, just to do something. Scanning over it, he notices the next activity scheduled for today is something he has never heard of.

 

"What's CMT?" he asks, turning to Jace. Jace huffs out a laugh, earning a look of confusion from Alec.

 

"Concentrative movement therapy." Alec still has no idea what that's supposed to be. "It's weird but also it isn't. It starts like verbal therapy but the group is asked to do some activities based on whatever issue the group chooses to go with. It seems ridiculous at first but after a while you get used to it, at least I did." Alec still has no idea what to make of this but at least now he has at least a tiny idea of what is awaiting him.

 

Time passes in the blink of an eye and before Alec knows it, it's time to leave for that CMT thing. The rest of the group is already waiting in front of the room, their shoes neatly lined up in front of a small bench as they're all standing around with only socks on their feet.

 

Sheepishly, Alec takes off his shoes as well, revealing the mismatched socks on his feet. It's not that dramatic, they're both black but one is a low cut and the other one a liner, it's enough to make him more insecure.

 

From the corner of his eyes he catches Maia's friendly smile directed his way. He returns it hesitantly before he glances down to the feet of the others. Simon isn't wearing matching socks either (one is grey and green with the Hulk on it and the other is plain blue) and he lets out a relieved breath. Why do his mismatched socks make him so self-conscious?

 

Before he can find an answer to that question, the door to the room opens and a stream of people comes out. Luke is one of them, smiling kindly at each of them.

 

Once the room has cleared out, they're allowed to enter. The first thing Alec notices is the yellow, carpeted floor which looks so unlike every other room of the hospital Alec has seen so far. It gives off a calm, homey vibe, as does the big window that replaces the wall that looks out over the hospital's garden.

 

In the far back of the room are cushions, pillows and blankets stacked up against a pale yellow wall. Alec observes the rest of the group heading straight for them, grabbing whatever and placing it on the floor along the wall, forming a semicircle. Some sit down immediately, others head for shelves, rummaging through boxes until they find what they were looking for.

 

Alec just stands there awkwardly, not really knowing what to do. He glances over to Simon, who is just as knew to this as he is and it's obvious that Simon seems just as confused as Alec.

Eventually, Alec moves forward and shyly grabs one cushion, his fingers actually trembling. He sits down next to Maia, leaning against the hard wall. He regrets not taking a pillow with him he could lean against but getting back up again would just make things awkward. Simon was cleverer than him as he is now sitting beside him, his back leaning against a soft pillow.

 

Everyone around him is wrapped up in a coloured blanket. Maia is playing with a pine cone she's holding in her hands and Aline is clutching to a small massage ball. Alec silently wonders why, but doesn't dare to actually voice his question.

 

The therapist - a woman not much older than Alec with brown hair and kind eyes, dressed in comfortable looking leggings and an oversized knit pullover - takes a seat on a cushion of her own. She doesn't have to say a word for the room to fall silent.

 

"Good morning," she begins, "I see we have some new faces in our group." She smiles brightly at Alec and Simon. "Welcome." Alec and Simon both respond with a nod. "Now, we usually start the session with a little round where everyone says a little something about how they've been doing since our last session and what's on their mind right now." Alec tenses a little, not feeling ready yet to talk about such private things in front of the others.

 

"Don't worry, you don't have to share what you're uncomfortable with." She adds quickly, noticing Alec's discomfort at the thought of talking about himself. "I guess you've all introduced yourself already?" The therapist directs her question to the whole group, receiving several nods as an answer. With that, she introduces herself to Simon and Alec as Dot Rollins, a therapist specialised on working with CMT. She asks for some information about themself in return and Alec is relieved Simon is to go first, his hands getting all clammy.

 

After Simon is done, having told Doctor Rollins where he is originally from (Brooklyn) his age and what he plans to do in the future (become a CPA, it's Alec's turn. Alec needs to clear his throat multiple times before he's sure that his voice isn't as thin so that no one can hear him.

 

"My name is Alec Lightwood, I'm 25 years old and I have a bachelors degree in literature." He senses Maia's eyes on him and as he turns to look at her, she's grinning broadly, almost blindingly. He returns it, albeit shyly, silently applauding himself for not having turned into a stuttering mess, despite his racing heartbeat and shaking knees.

 

Then, it's time for the group to share what's on their mind. Melony, the woman next to Magnus is to go first. She's worrying about her discharge that is coming up next week and scared that she can't handle going back into the 'real world'. It's kind of weird, Alec is still busy worrying about everything that lays ahead of him and still has to figure out how certain things work around here, having just gotten here three days ago, while Melony is almost finished and has to prepare for the end.

 

The group listens and then they're given the opportunity to supply advices and opinions that could turn out to be helpful. Alec remains silent throughout the entire time but listens intently. It's interesting to observe with how much care everyone handles Melony's concern and how understanding they all are. Of course it has something to do with the fact that at some point they'll all have to deal with the same issue, sooner or later.

 

They move on, Magnus sharing that the last nights have been calmer than the nights before and that he's much more optimistic now. Aline complains about her family and how unsupportive they still are. When it's Maia's turn, Alec notices that she is now fiddling with the pine cone more frantically and she doesn't start talking until she has inhaled deeply, twice.

 

"I was talking on the phone to my flatmate this morning. And everything was fine but then she told me that my ex, Jordan, was standing in front of the door last night, waiting for me to come home. Obviously, he doesn't know I'm here." Her chuckle was dry and free of any humour. "And it makes me so fucking angry that he doesn't understand that I don't want to be near him any more. Or maybe he doesn't _want_ to understand it. Though I don't see what's so hard about that when I've threatened to call the police multiple times already."

 

"And what does it make you feel? Besides anger?" Doctor Rollins asks, her voice calm.

 

"Oppressed." Maia answers truthfully after a moment of thinking. "And scared. Being near him scares me. That he's able to ambush me like that is terrifying. And in all honesty, what use is it for me to get better when, as soon as I go home, I feel threatened all over again" The defeat is not only evident in her voice but also her composure, her shoulders slumped.

 

"May I?" Magnus hesitantly asks, waiting till Maia gives her consent with a nod. "Look, it may seem like it's all for naught when he's still out there, I get it. But you're not here to make him magically disappear. You are here to work through whatever he has done to you and to rid yourself of the claws he still has you in. I know what that shit can do to you. I've been through it myself, more or less. Here, you can work on closing the wounds he caused you, only to return stronger and face him to end it once and for all." There is a gravity behind Magnus' words that leaves the entire room silent for a moment. 

 

Alec notices Maia gulping heavily next to him as she tilts her head back, her eyes closed. He doesn't know what exactly had been going down between her and her ex-boyfriend but he's not stupid and he can conclude from what she said that Jordan wasn't the lovey-dovey kind of boyfriend.

 

Alec never would have guessed Maia to have been in an abusive relationship. But that's the thing, no matter how tough you appear to be, these things can get anyone down. It's not like the abuser comes straight out as the abuser. No, they make themselves seem nice and loving at first. Then, they lash out, apologize while, in some twisted way, blaming the victim and promise for that to never happen again. But it does.

 

He knows from experience that the victim doesn't stay because they want to, because they like being all bruised up or having to ask for permission for the most basic things - like most people believe. The answer to why they stay is simple. Fear.

 

Izzy stayed out of fear. Luckily, she told Alec since their parents didn't seem to care that their, at that time, seventeen year old daughter got frequently beaten up by her boyfriend. A threat from her older brother and a visit from the police and he had never come near Izzy again.

 

"You're right, Magnus." Maia's voice breaks through his thoughts. "But I'm sick of him having such an impact on me. I just want to feel safe." Magnus nods sympathetically and there is something in his eyes Alec can't quite name. Sadness? Pain? Profound understanding? Maybe it's all three of them at the same time.

 

Doctor Rollins takes the word again and asks if Maia wants to set up a metaphorical boundary, to which Maia responds with a nod. Doctor Rollins then asks her to get the thick rope lying on one of the shelves and lay it around her the cushion she's sitting on. It seems weird to Alec, he gets the meaning behind it but still.

 

Then it's Alec's turn to speak. He has almost forgotten that they're still doing that round where they're all required to talk. Again, he has to clear his throat before he opens his mouth.

 

"I'm good." _What a lie_ , he thinks to himself. "It's just all very new and I think I need some time to get used to everything." That is not that far off from the truth but he's everything but good. He had a shitty night, a shitty morning and right now he is as insecure as can be, his injured hand is throbbing and all he wants to do is sleep but sleeping is impossible for the nightmares always make an appearance.

 

If Doctor Rollins sees through him, she doesn't mention it. She just gestures for Simon to finish up the round, which he does with mainly repeating Alec's words. After they're done, Doctor Rollins asks them to put the cushions and everything else back and walk through the room in silence, focusing on each step they take.

 

Alec can't help but feel stupid and incredibly insecure just walking in circles, overly aware of how his heels hit the ground and roll over to the balls of his feet. He's walking funnily and he doesn't quite see the purpose of this exercise. He looks around the room and sees Simon struggling equally as much. Everyone else though seems to be far more relaxed and not weirded out at all. They're all solely focused on the task at hand, yet Alec feels as if they're watching and judging him for just walking. No, not like they do but they could. It doesn't matter to Alec's mind that they're all doing the same and that they could be thinking the same of him as well.

 

At some point he passes Magnus, their eyes meeting and Alec's train of thought comes to a halt immediately when he spots the hint of a smirk playing around Magnus' lips, telling him that he feels just as stupid as Alec. It's a relief and makes continuing the task a little easier.

 

Doctor Rollins eventually ends the exercise with a quiet clap of her hands, asking them to stand in a circle. She asks everyone to share with the group what they felt while walking and every single one of them wasn't feeling comfortable. _Of course_ , Alec thinks, _Why did I worry so much?_ But it's not worth it to beat himself up about something like that, he's well aware of that (doesn't mean he can just stop doing that, though).

 

They repeat the exercise, this time without focusing on their steps. It's much easier and Alec is much more comfortable in his own skin. Doctor Rollins works them through a few other exercises and then they're good to go. Alec doesn't get a break, though. His next therapy session with his private therapist is scheduled to begin in 15 minutes. So instead of heading up to his room, he goes straight for the corridor where Doctor Gray's office is situated.

 

* * *

 

 

He doesn't have to wait long for her to open the door and let him in. The first half of the session they're busy setting up goals for Alec's recovery. It's not as easy as it first appeared to be and Alec struggles when he only comes up with 2 out of 5 (getting the nightmares and flashbacks under control and getting the panic attacks under control). With the help of Doctor Gray and the reassurance that they can be small achievements as well, he eventually adds 'being able to take care of myself', 'gaining back my self-confidence' and 'being able to get my masters degree'. The last one, to be fair, is more of an end result of reaching the first four goals. But Doctor Gray seems to be okay with it.

 

During the second half Alec recounts the last few days and when he talks about the nightmares, he struggles to keep his breathing at bay. Inevitably, the images come back to him and he is glad Doctor Gray is there, knowing exactly what to do to keep him reminded of where he is and that he is safe. She takes notes in between and when he's done talking she looks at him with an intensity in her eyes that makes Alec shift uncomfortably in his chair.

 

"During your 'outbreaks', is the rage directed towards yourself?" It's a question so simple, yet so hard to answer for Alec.

 

"Partly, yes." Alec answers eventually. "I get angry about not being able to do the simplest things, like last morning. But also -" he pauses, gathering his thoughts "I also get angry about what happened and that I wasn't able to stop him. I get angry about him going after Max and then I feel guilty because so many others have lost their lives as well. And then I get angry for them. I get angry because this event has such a hold on me." He swallows heavily. "But also because I'm scared."

 

"Scared of what?"

 

"Of him. That it's happening again. Or that I'm still there, I don't know." Alec fixes his eyes on the tip of his shoe, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt as his heartbeat starts picking up. Doctor Gray nods in understanding before she asks him if he wants to work on that during future sessions. He responds with a hesitant nod.

 

"And your nightmares, are they always the same or do they vary from dream to dream?"

 

"They're usually the same. But sometimes things are a bit - off." He croaks out. "Sometimes I'm the one getting shot. And those dreams are usually the better ones." Doctor Rollins hums in understanding.

 

"May I ask what ending the one last night had?" For some reason, Alec finds Doctor Gray's voice oddly calming and he doesn't struggle as much to answer as he expected to.

 

"I wasn't the one being shot."Alec answers curtly, unable to speak about what actually happened, not only in his dream but in reality as well.

 

He expects her to ask something else, maybe how he feels about all that but she doesn't. Instead, she says, "The nurses have reported back to me that you had trouble coming back to reality after being woken up - as you've already told me your problem to be during our last session - and you had to be held down by two nurses. Now, we've discussed this matter this very morning and we'd like you to consider going on medication."

 

Alec's entire body freezes, his hands gripping the armrests of the chair tightly, his knuckles turning white at the mention of medication. He doesn't, at all costs, want to be dependent on some pills. He doesn't want to feel like he made it but only with the help of medication. He doesn't want to be this weak. He is better than that.

 

"Now, here me out." Doctor Gray says softly, sensing his discomfort. "The medication we'd like to give you reduces nightmares and anxiety. It could provide you with a good-nights' sleep, which could automatically improve your recovery. The active ingredient prazosin is common for being used during the treatment of PTSD. The adrenaline your body releases is effecting your sleep and to prevent that, prazosin blocks some of the effects." What she says does make sense. It's only his third day but he's already walking around the hallways like he has nothing left in him. He's tired, so tired. He has been tired for months it feels.

 

"It's a lot to wrap your head around, I understand." She hands him a stack of papers. "We won't force you to get medicated - at least for now - but we'd certainly approve if you'd decide to go for it. I've printed out some information for you that you can read through until our next session on Friday. You have until then to decide. But if things do get worse, we won't have any choice but to force it upon you since it's going to be effecting the success of your recovery but also the safety of our staff if your reaction to the nightmares gets worse."

 

Alec nods, the lump in his throat making it incredibly hard to speak. He doesn't want to be forced to take medication. But of course he doesn't want to be a threat to the people around him. At home there was no one he could've hurt, except for himself. That simply had never been an issue but now -

 

She leads him out of the office and before he even knows it, he is back in his room where Jace is asking him if he wants to come down with him to have lunch. Alec absent-mindedly declines and falls down on to his bed. What a fucked up day.

 

Doctor Gray made it sound like he has a choice. But does he really? Because it sounded more like he was given the illusion of a choice 'either you take it willingly or we force you to'. Suddenly, there is anger pooling in his stomach. She made it sound like he was in control of how bad the nightmares get and much they effect him afterwards. It's not like he can just think them away. If he could, he certainly wouldn't be forcing himself to stay awake in order to avoid the nightmares in the first place.

 

To deal with the anger overcoming him, he starts playing with his finger that is still in the brace. The dull pain shoots up his hand and through his arm, making him flinch. In the back of his mind he can hear Izzy's voice, telling him to stop but he is quick to shut her out. The ache helps for his rage to die down and to think more clearly.

 

He is given the opportunity to get rid of the nightmares, maybe even make the anxiety a little more bearable. The only thing holding him back is his pride and well, fear. Fear of not being in control of himself any more. But then again, he isn't in control of himself right now, is he?

 

Involuntarily, he remembers his mother bad-mouthing psychotropic drugs in every way when one of her friends had started taking them for reasons unknown to Alec. She had called them personality changing and other terrifying things. Alec lets a dry laugh escape his lips. If his mother knew where he is she'd probably throw a tantrum and force him out of the hospital. For a second he thinks about getting on the medication simply to spite his mother. Though, on second thought that seems rather pathetic for multiple reasons.

 

It's not like they have spoken a word to each other in two years. And his decisions shouldn't be based off what his mother thinks is right or wrong. He should do it for himself, only for himself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec is having breakfast and the room is too crowded and too loud, making everything worse. he calms down but then someone drops their tray, triggering another panic attack and he runs off to the restrooms where he manages to calm himself. 
> 
> CMT really does seem weird but it was my favourite form of therapy and I think it was the most effective one as well? Though I was really put off at first. 
> 
>  
> 
> Again, thanks for reading and also for all the comments and kudos, they're very much appreciated!


	3. I'm just another, trying hard to fit right in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> decisions are made, a few moments of bonding take place, also *tragic backstory unlocked*, sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this chapter was a pain to write and I can't even tell you why exactly? I'm not 100% satisfied with what I wrote but maybe that's just me being my own worst critic. and also sorry for updating so late? 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> gun violence  
> unhealthy eating habits  
> death 
> 
> and I think that's it? Please tell me if I've missed something

The day passes slowly, he doesn't have any therapy scheduled for the afternoon, only a quick meeting with one of the nurses for whatever. He can't find it find it in himself to care, not even if he wanted to. For a while, he's just lying on his bed, simply repeating what he did yesterday, feeling utterly numb.

 

When Jace comes back into the room, he's still lying in the same position, not having moved an inch. He hears Jace plopping down on to his own bed and he's thankful for Jace not trying to talk to him right now. Though, at the same time he worries what Jace might think of him, since he has spend the last two days just lying in bed, keeping the talking to a minimum. Then he is reminded of Jace getting him a sandwich and other snacks without Alec asking for it. So maybe Jace doesn't think the worst of him?

 

"Have you finished reading _Invisible Monsters_ already?" Jace's voice breaks through the silence that is enveloping them. Alec shifts where he is lying and slowly turns around to face Jace.

 

"Not yet, sorry." Usually, Alec doesn't need long to finish a book, especially when it's 300 pages long. But maybe it wasn't his best decision to start reading a book with frequent mentions of a dead brother, parents who don't really care (though at least these parents are supportive of their son's sexuality, unlike his own) and uh yeah, someone being shot down. For some reason though, he had pushed himself through the first half of the book without letting it get too close to him.

 

"Don't worry, take your time. But when you're finished, could you hand it over to Magnus?" Alec's mind goes back to the first conversation he had with Magnus during his first night here. Despite it being just two days ago, that night feels so far away. So many things have happened already and it feels like he's been here for over a week already. At least when it comes to all the previous events. He still has to get used to the hospital everyday life and how to behave around the other patients.

 

"Okay." Alec closes his eyes for a short moment but opens them again, as soon as images of the bloody floor and that sickening smirk flash before his eyes. That damn smirk. So cold and devoid of any emotion, safe for satisfaction.

 

Abruptly, Alec sits up, startling Jace in the process. Just lying around won't do anything for him right now. "Where's that vending machine Clary told me about?"

 

Jace gives him the directions and ten minutes later Alec finds himself wandering through the hospital's garden, a Styrofoam cup of steaming hot coffee in his hand, the cold winter air helping to clear his mind a little.

 

The garden is big and kind of circles the entire hospital building. The lawn is freshly clipped and there are piles of dead leaves on the side. The big trees that are growing all over the place look almost scary with their bare branches reaching out into the sky and the mist hovering over the ground, surrounding them. The flowerbeds in the middle of the lawn are free of any flowers growing there, since it's the middle of winter. Alec is sure that the garden is a sight to see during the spring and summer months.

 

He shivers a little, which isn't much of a surprise when being out in the cold with only wearing a sweater. His breath sends steam into the air and he inhales deeply, the pleasant smell of wood being burned somewhere close, entering his nostrils. He walks around aimlessly, the cool wind brushing against his skin, making his fingers go stiff and numb. It's good to be outside again. Back home he barely left his apartment, only when absolutely necessary.

 

As much as he loves the city, the many people crowding the streets have the ability to easily overwhelm Alec. Especially when they accidentally bump into him while hurrying from point A to point B. It's always a stressful experience that Alec likes to avoid at all costs. But here, in a much calmer, secluded area, he finds that he enjoys strolling around mindlessly. 

 

After having finished the much needed coffee, Alec returns back to the warmth the inside of the hospital provides. He decides to slip into the common room rather than going back to his room. Not that he's eager to socialize but the four walls of his own room make it seem kind of inviting for his mind to spiral out of control.

 

The common room is empty, yet the TV is running on some news channel. Alec shrugs and sits down on the side where Magnus sat the night they both spent in here and grabs the remote off the coffee table. He zaps through the channels and lands on some cartoon. The two siblings remind him a bit of Izzy and himself when they were kids. The only significant difference between them is that while the cartoon siblings are going on their own adventures during their stay at their great-uncle's, Izzy and him had never been able to do so on their own with their parents having a constant watch over them. Well, not their parents in person but their nannies and maids who had practically raised the Lightwood children while Maryse and Robert Lightwood had just dropped by every once in a while to check up on their success in school. And if one of them didn't exceed to their expectations, all hell broke loose.

 

Izzy was the first one to rebel and move out at the age of 18, right after her coming out as bi (she had known that it wouldn't go so well for Alec had his coming out two years prior). Alec had lived with them a little longer until he couldn't take their constant fights and chides any longer. Back then they had still been on speaking terms, unlike today. But Alec was over that, over them. Only some things had stuck with him, like showing any sign of being hurt being a sign of weakness and the feeling of not being good enough. And of course, being the one at fault for losing Max - the only thing that still gives his parents some kind of power over him.

 

It was thanks to Izzy that he had learned to ignore their taunts and make decisions for himself and not to solely please his parents (like not going to law school and go for literature instead). Together they had learned to cope with their overly ambitious parents' pressure and their twisted ways of manipulation.

 

Everything had gotten better with moving out, at least for a while. Not having to hear the never stopping 'Alexander, get over yourself, isn't it a bit late for a teenage rebellion?' and 'it's just a phase, you just need to find the right girl to get the gay out of you' any more was healing and encouraging him to go his own way.

 

He freed himself out of his parents' grip, yet he can't help but wonder what they'd think of him if they found out he'd been admitted to a psych hospital. They'd probably say he's being over dramatic again. And that he is contemplating whether to go on meds or not would make them roll their eyes at him, calling him pathetic.

 

Right. The meds.

 

With that, Alec's mind is clouded with that one question again. Should he do it? It's scary to think of taking something that basically controls his mind. But at the same time his mind doesn't feel to be free right now anyway. His mind is spinning in circles, repeating the same thought process over and over again.

 

One part of his mind whispers to him that it doesn't matter what he decides for since he's going to end up taking them anyway. The other part tells him to at least try and get better without any medication. But then having a chance of keeping the nightmares at bay does sound compelling.

Alec's head is swirling and he can feel a headache coming on. Tiredly, he rubs his hand over his eyes.

 

"Rough day?" A familiar voice pipes up beside him, pulling him out of his thoughts and making him jump a little in his seat. Magnus gracefully slumps down beside him, dark rings under his eyes. Something, Alec didn't notice this morning.

 

"Yeah." Alec all but breathes out. They remain silent for a while, staring at the screen. Alec finds himself wondering if Magnus is on any medication. Maybe it could help to get some insight from someone who has some experience on that matter. But it's rude to ask, isn't it?

 

"They want me to go on meds." Alec eventually says, hoping Magnus understands where he is trying to go with this. Somehow, the shame Alec expects to flood him as soon as the words leave his mouth doesn't come. Not even as Magnus averts his eyes from the screen to him, taking him all in.

 

"And you don't know how to feel about that?" Magnus inquires carefully after a moment of consideration.

 

"Yeah." he says again, this time with more confidence. "It's just that I've always been told that they're bad and dangerous and that it's better to deal with that kind of stuff on your own." Alec pauses. "Would it be weak to give in and just go with it?"

 

"Hell no!" Magnus exclaims, sounding almost offended. "And whoever put that thought into your head has no fucking clue what they're talking about." Alec nods slowly, not sure what to respond.

 

"Look, many people think of medication as the immediate cure and that it makes you simply push your problems away without working on them yourself. But they tend to forget that meds are just there to support your progress." Magnus locks eyes with Alec, the gravity in his gaze supporting his statement. "Would you think of a person with hypothyroidism as weak for taking meds?"

 

"No." Alec shakes his head with force.

 

"Let's say that person were you, would you think of yourself as weak for having to take medication for that?" Again, Alec shakes his head. Though, a little more hesitantly. "Good. Because this is no different from taking meds for mental health issues. People with thyroid problems have to take meds because their thyroids have problems producing hormones, while you take meds because your brain isn't producing enough endorphins. Or -" Magnus hesitates "Whatever you'd be taking them for. But whatever it is, there is a medical reason behind it."

 

Alec lets Magnus' words sink in. Deep down, Alec knows he's right. But it's hard to unlearn something that had been drummed into him for what feels like ages, in such a short time. He'd never judge someone else for going on medication, no matter the reason. But when it comes to himself, he can't help but be the judging asshole he never wanted to be.

 

 "Thank you. I'm -" Alec shrugs his shoulders "thank you. I really needed to hear that." 

 

Magnus leans back against the cushions, pulling his knees up to his chest. His hair is falling loosely over his forehead, much like the night they first met. "You're welcome. And don't worry about it. I had to learn that myself, medication not being a sign of weakness I mean." He tips his chin towards the screen, where that cartoon is still playing. "Now, what are we watching?"

 

Alec scratches at his scruff in order to hide a smirk. Magnus' ability to go from serious to not serious at all in only a matter of seconds is incredible and very much welcomed. They sit in silence, letting the voices coming from the TV wash over them. It's odd how normal everything seems. The hospital like atmosphere the building exudes is easily forgotten when doing something as mundane as watching cartoons together.

 

"Why have I never seen this before?" Magnus chuckles and Alec silently wonders the same thing. He may be 25 years old but that doesn't mean he can't enjoy kid cartoons every once in a while. In fact, he'd enjoyed watching them with Max together (though Max always pretended to be too old for them already while secretly enjoying them) a few years prior. This one, Max would've definitely enjoyed -

 

Before Alec's mind spins any further, he refocuses back on what's happening on-screen - a magic printer making living copies of the male protagonist - fighting back the heaviness that threatens to settle on his chest. Yet, his heart clenches painfully at the thought of his little brother.

 

"By the way," Magnus starts at the beginning of a commercial break "Luke organized a little badminton tournament. If you want to, you're welcome to join." Magnus then hastily adds, "if you can't play you can come anyway, of course."

 

It takes Alec a moment before he understands why he might not be able to play. Despite his hand still throbbing in pain and being caught in a brace, he completely forgot that his finger is actually broken.

 

"That sounds nice, thanks." Again, Alec tries to hide a smile with his uninjured hand. But if Magnus' smirk is anything to go by, he's failing miserably. Heat rises in his cheeks and he can't help but wonder why Magnus has such an effect on him. It's confusing, really.

 

Magnus opens his mouth to say something when Ragnor comes in, telling Magnus to come to the nurses' office. Magnus all but rolls his eyes before he gets up, excusing himself. And with that, Alec is alone again. He would have loved to spend more time together with Magnus but his soleness allows him to ponder more on Magnus' words from before. As expected, it's good to get some insight from someone with experience on that matter. Alec believes Magnus and now all he needs to do is allow himself to accept the help that is offered to him. But why is that always so hard? He shakes his head, tired of spinning in circles and being so hard on himself. Maybe he should just take a leap of faith for once. If not here, where else?

 

* * *

 

 

Before Alec knows it, it's time for dinner. He feels quite pathetic for priding himself with actually going while being scared at the same time. Eating in a room full of people shouldn't be this hard.

 

The table is filled with the same group of people, the chatter flowing through the room. This time though, Alec doesn't struggle as much as he did this very morning. He mainly remains silent throughout the entire ordeal, just listening to the various discussions going on around him. Simon and Clary are laughing about some inside jokes - which seems rather weird to Alec, considering that Simon arrived the same day Alec had (but then again, socialising had never come easy to Alec) - Ragnor, Raphael and Magnus are having some kind of argument about the right way of preparing a dish called Bebek Goreng (to which Magnus exclaims that he knows best since his family's recipe had been handed down generations, thank you very much) all while Maia, Aline and Lydia talk travelling with Jace chiming in every once in a while.

 

 The food the kitchen prepared for them is actually edible (at least more than the evening before) and so Alec manages to fill his stomach enough to make up for the lunch he missed out on. He is less tense than he was during breakfast and able to blend out on all the noises echoing through the room which automatically makes everything a little easier. 

 

For the second time since he has arrived at Idris, he clears the table together with everyone else. No one mentions it but he senses Magnus' satisfied smile and Jace's somewhat proud grin. The others seem to pay no mind, which he is thankful for.

 

Back in their room, Jace asks if he wants to come to the common room where they would watch a few episodes of _Brooklyn nine-nine_ (apparently they are allowed to bring DVDs of their own). That actually sounds nice, watching something with the others doesn't require that much social interaction while being social and being part of the group.

 

They meet in the common room at around eight, Jace, Alec and Simon being the first ones to arrive. Alec plops down in the seat he occupied this afternoon, right next to Jace. Simon awkwardly follows suit.

 

That social interaction doesn't come easy to Alec doesn't automatically mean that he has difficulties reading people. In fact, it's one of his talents, as Isabelle always likes to point out. So it's obvious to him that Simon is currently turning his mind over to come up with something to say, fidgeting with his glasses that aren't sitting on his nose any more. Suddenly, Jace jumps up announcing that he'll be back soon.

 

Simon shifts awkwardly in his seat and Alec can't really blame him. Simon and him haven't really exchanged any words except for a few pleasantries here and there. For some reason though, Alec remains calm.

 

That is, until Simon opens his mouth to ask "so, why are you here?" With that, all the walls Alec has tried to let down a bit in the last few days go back up again, closing tightly around him. And with that, his defenses strengthen. Who goes around asking stuff like that? Are they even allowed to do that?

But before Alec can retort some answer Simon's eyes widen and he stammers out an apology which Alec gratefully accepts.

 

There's no way he'd tell some guy he barely ever talks to how he ran for his life from some maniac or how his little brother's body had gone limp in his arms, bleeding to death and how he's being haunted by the sickening images of death and destruction. Hell, he hardly ever talks about it, so why should he now?

 

 

Simon, however, isn't as secretive as Alec and so he babbles on how his father died when he was 14 and how he had to take care of his own mother who had turned towards unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking. As defensive as Alec had been just a few seconds ago, he now listens and catches himself as he sympathises with someone who is the exact opposite of him personality wise.

 

"Sorry, man. People always tell me that I'm prone to oversharing. Guess they're right." Simon says the exact moment Magnus, Ragnor, Maia and Jace enter. Alec brushes Simon's worry away with a wave of his hand, telling him that it's alright. If Alec is being honest with himself, he envies Simon a bit for being able to talk so openly about an obviously painful period of time in his life.

 

Magnus lowers himself dramatically next to Alec, making Jace pout for stealing his seat. Maia, who apparently has brought the DVDs with her, busies herself with getting the DVD player to cooperate before she settles next to Simon.

 

It's fun to watch the show with so many people, the laughter being contagious and soon filling the entire room, only fuelled by some remarks coming from Ragnor's and Magnus' side. It's almost sad to say that Alec hasn't enjoyed himself like this in a long time. While the others laugh to their heart's content, Alec only chuckles to himself. But there is a grin that is etched to his face that stays throughout the entire time, his heart feeling so much lighter than it had the entire day.

 

At some point a nurse comes in, asking them to tick it down a notch for other patients have complained about the noise already. Alec spots the grimace on Ragnor's face and he has to stifle a chuckle as the entire room erupts into laughter again as Ragnor grumbles, "seems like we're not acting depressed enough to be here."

 

With that, the conversation changes into some kind of rant about certain patients who keep on being negative about every single thing, successfully dragging down the mood of everyone else around them. Alec keeps to himself but listens intently. It's rather interesting to hear what the others have to say about patients he has never met before. Though, Alec has to remind himself not to let the others' opinions cloud his own judgement.

 

* * *

 

This night, Alec does everything in his power not to fall asleep. He'd have a rather nice evening, was able to enjoy himself. But that doesn't stop the memories flooding back to him as soon as the room goes dark, the nightlight casting a faint beam of light against the opposite wall, not really in Alec's line of sight. 

 

About an hour ago Jace started snoring softly, letting out a whimper here and there. Alec just throws himself around in his bed before he decides to go back to the common room. Maybe, Magnus is there again as well.

 

After slipping into the dark blue sweater he left hanging over the chair, he carefully heads out into the empty hallway and towards the common room. Aldertree is sitting behind the desk in the nurses office, a deep frown on his face as Alec knocks to announce his stay in the common room.

 

When Alec opens the door to the common room, he catches himself being disappointed upon not finding Magnus sittig there watching one of his casting shows like he had during the first night. Though he's also glad Magnus has no trouble sleeping this night.

 

It's then, that he realises that he didn't bring a book or anything else to keep his mind occupied and so he has no other choice but to zap through the channels and watch some show he doesn't care about at all (okay, maybe he finds Project Runway more interesting than he likes to admit).

 

At some point it gets harder and harder to keep his eyes open but Alec can't let that happen. Not here. He could go back to bed, of course. But that would just guarantee another hellish night followed by a day just as horrible. And he had enough of that already, thank you very much. At some point he starts pacing through the room just to keep his body active and distracted from the need to sleep. If only he was allowed to go outside during night time. But the hospital's doors close at 10.30 every night (which makes sense of course but the cold night air would most definitely help clearing his head).

 

The window stands slightly ajar as Alec sits back down, waiting for the night to be over. The cold air that seeps in does its part in helping him to stay awake and soon the yawns that escape his mouth come less frequently.

 

It is then that Alec realises that he has been so focused on not falling asleep that his mind hasn't once been flooded with dark thoughts or images. That realisation, however, gets his mind spiralling and the thought of him not being able to show Max the cartoon he watched with Magnus earlier feels like someone punched him in the guts. It's painful and awfully suffocating. There is something clogging his  throat as his heart clenches, sending a pain through his chest.

 

Max would be 14, almost 15 by now, maybe he wouldn't even want to watch any cartoons with Alec any more. But how is Alec supposed to know? His little baby brother didn't even get the chance to finish middle school and learn what it feels like to do something out of his own wish and not because their parents told him to do so - something both Alec and Izzy had struggled with a lot and only succeeded with the start of college. College. Max wouldn't get that experience either.

 

And all because Alec had caved that day after hours of begging and taken Max to the mall.

 

Dealing with the grief alone is hard and barely manageable, add the persisting guilt eating him up and ever getting through this seems nearly impossible. If Alec ever had the chance, he'd do everything to take Max's place, give up his life so that his brother can live.

 

But no matter how hard he wishes for that opportunity, it's never going to happen and so he has to deal with the guilt of leading his own brother to his death. And the knowledge that so many other people died that day. And the aftermath of being chased by a cold-blooded killer, minutes after Max had been shot down - if Alec had known that Max would die later in hospital he probably would have let the killer do his thing, shoot him as well or slice him open with that axe he had dragged behind him. And then there is this fear. It's a fear that creeps up on him whenever it gets the chance, paralysing him and knocking all air out of his lungs.

 

Some people would probably claim 2 years to be enough time to 'get over it'. But it's not. This is not something you can just get over like a broken heart. Being witness of something so cruel takes a hold of you. It leaves nasty wounds that take for ever to heal properly, if that's even possible. For all Alec knows, his condition has gotten even worse in the past year.

 

* * *

 

 

The hours trickle by awfully slowly until Adertree comes by to inform him that it's time to go back to his room. Luckily, Alec has reached that point where he doesn't feel tired any more, just utterly exhausted.

 

He catches himself being rather passive throughout the entire day, unable to focus on what's being talked about during group therapy - the only thing he is aware of is Magnus thanking the group for their support during the last session and Mira tearing up at some point.

 

At the end of their session he gets pulled out of his passiveness by the therapist who's asking him if he's alright, stating that she observed him staring down to his lap where his hands are clutching to each other tightly.

 

It's like an alarm is going off, disabling all his communication skills and wiping his mind blank. He barely manages to talk to one person about anything concerning his worries and issues so how is he supposed to talk about them in front of a group of 8 people, including the therapist? He can feel all eyes set on him, expecting him to say something. His stomach is churning in discomfort and Alec swears there is sweat coming out of his every pore. He wants to leave, escape their boring gazes. Technically, they're allowed to. But he's the one being addressed so getting up and leave would seem more than odd. And the therapist doesn't seem like she is going to let him off the hook.

 

"Tired." He blurts out eventually. "I'm - I'm just tired. Didn't sleep all night." His fingers are playing nervously with each other, scared that she wants him to elaborate. To his luck, though, she nods and asks if he likes to share with the group as to why, to which he just shakes his head.

 

Soon after, they're dismissed and Alec can't get to his room fast enough. He decides to skip lunch and goes out for a walk in the garden, coffee in hand. The cold air is refreshing and has a positive effect on his state of mind.

 

The rest of the day he spends in his room, partly accompanied by Jace, fighting off sleep and waiting for the appointment with one of the nurses that has been scheduled for this afternoon.

 

The appointment turns out to be nothing special, just talking about his goals once more. Though the nurse, a pale man with silver hair (Alec silently wonders if it's his natural hair colour), dressed in dark blue scubs, seems friendly, Alec gets sick of all the talking about himself. It's draining and what good is it to repeat the same things to different people over and over again?

 

A part of Alec knows that there is a reason behind all that and that the therapy won't be successful at all if he doesn't cooperate. But unfortunately his negative part is more dominant today, not listening to any reason.

 

He contemplates skipping dinner as well and devouring the sandwich Jace gave him two nights ago, even though it's likely gone bad by now since it hasn't been refrigerated. In the end, he ends up not going and emptying the bag of crisps that came with the sandwich Alec has to throw away, not without feeling guilty and deciding to make it up to his room mate somehow.

 

* * *

 

 

The second night in a row that he spends in the common room goes somewhat smoother. He brought the book he has been meaning to finish so that he can give it to Magnus and it helps immensely to keep his mind occupied enough to not think about the usual things that keep haunting him more often than not.

 

At some point the door opens and for a split second Alec hopes it's Magnus. _Really? Again with the hoping?_ Alec silently chides himself.  Yet he can't help feel a little disappointed when it's Raphael who slips in through the door. But at least Magnus is getting some sleep.

 

They both nod in greeting before Alec returns his attention back to the book in his hands. And that is basically all the interaction that happens between them. Raphael has brought a book himself and he wastes no time diving right into it.

 

But Alec doesn't fret it. From what he has gathered, Raphael isn't as talkative either and he imagines their conversation to be rather awkward than anything else.

 

As the night ends, Alec has finished the book, the turn of events still clinging to his mind as he gets ready to get breakfast. Despite not having any appetite, his stomach does a happy flip at the smell of scrambled eggs and bacon filling the air. It isn't much of a surprise, considering that his only 'decent' meal had been a slice of toast the other day.

 

For the first time, his plate isn't just filled with one slice of toast, this time it's accompanied by eggs, bacon and two slices of honeydew at the side. He sits down next to Simon and digs right in. With every bite he gains more strength and he is surprised when he finishes it all up, despite his lack of appetite.

 

"Badminton tournament. Are you in?" Clary asks him with a bright smile as she's pushing some egg on her fork. Alec tries his best to return the smile, though he's sure Clary can tell that it's not as genuine as he'd like it to be.

 

"Yeah, tonight, right?" Clary nods as a response and then begins telling how it became some sort of a weekly thing, like the singing in the music room, all thanks to Luke. Despite not having that many words with Luke, Alec can already tell that that 40-something year old man has an impact on the entire group. When Clary speaks of him, her eyes shine with a fondness, giving away that she deeply cares about him. The others also seem to respect Luke in a way that is indescribable, though Luke is on another ward and doesn't have any group therapy with either of them, or so Alec thinks.

 

It's like Alec has stumbled upon some sort of make-shift family where everyone is being accepted and taken care of in some way. Everyone has their struggles but each struggle is respected and they all provide support to over come said struggle. It's a concept so new, yet badly needed in Alec's life.

 

Not that Izzy isn't all that. But with her it always feels like he's the only one in need of support - though Alec's pretty sure that all of what had happened also left marks on Izzy, how could it not? It had gotten to a point where Izzy had put Alec's needs before her own, not wanting to lose another brother. Thinking about Izzy having to take care of her older brother during a time where she should grieve and deal with the loss of her little brother makes Alec's stomach churn uncomfortably, a tidal wave of guilt throwing him over.

 

With this new group of people, however, it's different. They're all here to deal with their own issues, they're given the time and resources to do that. There is a mutual understanding of that, everyone going through their own shit and they all have the same goal in the long-run. All that gives them the space to support others as well. To put it short, there's a healthy balance of caring and being taken care of.

 

* * *

 

 

The first half of the day passes quickly, there's CMT Alec has to attend after breakfast, where they pick up on the topic of setting boundaries from last session. And this time, Alec doesn't feel as insecure as he had during the first session. He grabs more than one cushion and even a pillow to lean against. But that doesn't mean he feels less stupid during certain exercises or that he feels confident enough to talk in front of all of them.

 

All that, the conversations during breakfast and CMT get him a little distracted from the big decision he has to make in the next few hours. Meds or no meds?

 

His talk with Magnus has really helped him putting things in perspective but he still hasn't come to a definite answer. During the time between CMT and lunch (which he attends to everyone's and his own surprise) he reads through the papers Doctor Gray gave him to get a better insight on how prezosin works, its side-effects and all that. It is quite informative, yet it only does so little when it comes to making a decision.

 

At the beginning of the session with Doctor Gray she asks him what he has decided for and he tells her exactly that. He tells her about what Magnus said the other day and how he had opened his mind a little more. He even tells her what his mother once said about going on medication, to which Doctor Gray scribbles something into her notebook, resulting in Alec's nerves ticking up.

 

They talk through all that, Doctor Gray filling him in on former patients (without naming them) who had similar worries that could be soothed rather sooner than later. It calms Alec a bit when she makes it clear that if he doesn't feel well taking them he can still get off them - slowly, of course. But it's a possibility. He's grateful when she gives him till the end of their session to decide.

 

"Now, on to a different topic." Doctor Gray says, crossing her legs. "You've already mentioned your mother but what about the rest of your family? Are you close?" Alec tenses immediately, his left-hand fingers digging into his thighs. Of course she'd ask that. Families are almost always the reason for mental health problems, especially when it comes to trauma. It's just that Alec isn't used talking about his family, except for Izzy. He can't even recall if he has ever said the words 'my brother is dead' out loud, he probably hasn't, not even to Izzy.

 

"Take your time." Doctor Gray's face has softened. "You can start with the easy stuff, if you like." And so Alec tells her about Izzy, how she's always been there for him, how they once had had switched roles where Alec was there for her whenever she needed him. And he doesn't stop there, he rambles on about how proud he is to have such a smart sister who aspires to become a forensic pathologist in the near future while always standing up for herself and making sure she gets what she deserves.

 

Doctor Gray listens intently as he talks, filling her little book with notes every now and then. As Alec falls silent, however, he senses her waiting eyes on him. Talking about Izzy is easy, the rest of his family is a whole different story.  But if he doesn't talk about them now he never will.

 

"I haven't talked to my parents in about two years." Is what he eventually says after calming his nerves with deep breaths. To continue from there takes a lot more effort than he likes to admit but Doctor Gray pushes him, even if it's gently.

 

"They were always hard on me and -." Alec takes in a shaky breath "my siblings. They always pushed us to go beyond our limits when it came to academic success. That was all that mattered, as long as we got good grades there wasn't a need for them to be around. When we didn't reach their goals of getting straight As we could be sure to receive punishment in whichever way. They never were there for us when we needed them but it was okay as long as we looked out for each other." Talking about his absentee parents is easy in a weird way. It's the least of what's troubling him.

 

"Izzy and I moved out and we barely had any contact to our parents." _Only to meet with Max_ , he adds in his mind. "But we were still on speaking terms, even after I ditched their plans of going into law."

 

Now, this is where the hard part comes. He doesn't like talking about such personal things as it is, he hardly ever does it. Going this far and open up about Max is something on a whole other level. It's not about _liking_ any more. This is about being _able_ to talk about it. And he is not sure if he is, if he ever will be. Uncomfortably, he shifts in his seat, his hand grabbing the fingers of his injured hand tightly. Doctor Gray doesn't say anything, just waiting for him to continue. Alec wishes the small voice in the back of his mind would shut up and stop urging him to start talking again. He is aware of his only option being being honest with Doctor Gray and 'just' tell her if he wants this to really work.

 

"I - We - Max - I don't -" Alec's voice wavers and his heart clenches painfully. "We haven't talked since our little brother died", Alec swallows hard, his fingers shaking. There. He said it. It doesn't lift a weight off his shoulders. He doesn't feel lighter. But isn't that what everyone says? Isn't talking about it supposed to make him feel better?

 

"Why is that?" Doctor Gray asks carefully, aware of Alec's inner turmoil.

 

"He still lived at home, he was the only reason we still talked regularly to them.” He pauses to take a deep breath. “And blame." _Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't fucking cry_.

 

"Blame?"

 

Alec nods weakly, trying to fight the tears gathering in his eyes, blurring his vision. When was the last time he ever cried in front of someone that wasn't Izzy? He doesn't remember.  He can't break that streak now. How weak would that be?

 

"They blame me for taking him out that day." he says eventually, his voice barely a whisper. He stares down at the hands in his lap, clinging to each other, unable to avert his eyes back to Doctor Gray. A cloud of shame is hanging above his head, growing bigger and bigger the more he thinks about it.

 

"Do you blame yourself?"

 

The only answer Doctor Gray receives is a hesitant nod and Alec ducking his head in the process. Again, what is he supposed to say? He's not ready to talk about what happened. Not now. Not when he hasn't slept in days, not when the nightmares have gotten worse again.

 

"Is that what you're dreaming about?" Alec nods again with his eyes closed, praying that that is enough of an answer, for now.

 

Apparently it is. Doctor Gray scribbles something down again before she addresses him again. She asks if he wants to continue talking about the nightmares and he jumps at the opportunity and gratefully denies. She then uses it as a transition to get back to the subject they started today's session with, medication. Frankly, Alec didn't really think about that matter while being caught up recounting his 'tragic backstory'. And so he isn't any of the wiser.

 

Should he do it? Should he not? Should he? Maybe it's worth a shot?

 

In the end, he decides to go for it, although he keeps this thought in mind that he doesn't have to take it. At least not today. It won't start working immediately anyway.

 

Doctor Gray gives him a slip of paper that he is asked to hand in at the nurses' office and with that he is good to go.

 

Alec is wrecked as he returns back to his room. He has been told that therapy isn't going to be easy and that it's going to be exhausting. But who would have thought talking a bit about his family would put him in so much distress? Certainly not Alec.

 

With no energy left, he slumps down on to his mattress face-first. His eyes are still a bit teary and his nose is stuffy. It's that weird sensation he gets sometimes  when he was close to crying but it still feels like he just sobbed his eyes out.

 

Hiding his face in the fluffy pillow, he lets out a shaky breath. All he wants is fall into a deep, dreamless sleep that provides him with enough energy to go on for a couple of days. This time though, Alec knows better than to hope. That's just not going to happen.

 

 

 

It's Saturday morning when Alec gets called to the phone. He drags himself down the hallway, his limbs heavy, his mind sluggish. He'd taken the meds last night, if a little reluctantly. As anticipated, they hadn't done anything but making him drowsy. He'd been able to fall asleep, only to be woken up by the recurring nightmare. This time, however, Max hadn't been the only one who got shot. During the attempt of escaping the shooter, Alec had been taken down as well. For some reason, this kind of outcome was easier to deal with than the dreams  in which he made it. Probably because Max, blood smeared all over his clothes, sticking in his hair and dripping down his face, didn't appear screaming and crying angrily for letting him die.

 

"Hello?" Alec says into the speaker. Technically, Alec knows who he is talking to. There is only one person who knows about his whereabouts.

 

"Alec!" Izzy's joyful voice pierces through Alec's ears. Alec is almost sorry for cringing a little, his tired mind has become overly sensitive it seems. "Sorry for calling so early but I have work all day."

 

"It's fine, really." A fond smile tugs at Alec's lips. Izzy has always dedicated every inch of her soul to her work and studies without neglecting either Alec or her friends. It's a mystery to Alec how she does it. "How are you?"

 

"Good. Everything is a bit more stressful but I manage." Alec knows it's not the reason she called, of course not. She called to hear about him. But right now, he doesn't want to talk. And she understands. He listens to her ramble on about work and her night out with Jay. It doesn't seem like Izzy is aware of it but the way she speaks of Jay cooking dinner for her and then taking her out to an exclusive bar sounds a lot like a date to Alec. He's suspected something to be there between the two girls for a long time now. It's the way they exchange looks or the lingering touches here and there and the way Izzy's face lights up whenever Jay is mentioned.

 

"How are things going for you?" Izzy asks eventually, as casual as possible. But Alec doesn't miss the worry in her soft voice.

 

"Okay, I guess." He answers after moments of hesitation. "The people here are really nice. I played badminton with a small group of people, yesterday. It was - fun." He goes on about Magnus and him competing against Maia and Luke (and losing, thanks to his little handicap). And how much fun it was seeing Jace failing miserably keeping up with Clary. He basically recounts the past few days to her, only leaving small details out. Like the medication. Which actually isn't so small. Rationally, Alec knows that his sister won't think any less of him, quite the contrary. What is holding him back to be truthful with her is the knowledge of her having been submitted to the same toxic influence of their parents bad mouthing people who seek help for dealing with mental illness, just as he had. Though now Izzy has far more medical knowledge than their parents ever will have. And the last thing she would do is judging him for receiving the treatment he needs.

 

"That Magnus guy sounds like fun." Izzy eventually says. Alec all but agrees. Magnus is one of those people you can joke around with while there is also a space for deeper conversations. Most people Alec has met in his life you can either or, not both things combined. Magnus is something different completely.

 

 

 

Magnus sits on his bed, filling the blank pages of his 'hospital-diary' with the events of the past few days. Sleeping had been a bit easier, though the ghosts of his past had haunted him as they always do. Sometimes it's better, so much better that he starts to believe that it's over. But then the next day or night it all comes crashing down, destroying his every hope of ever getting better.

 

To be fair, he has already accomplished a lot ever since he first stepped into a therapist's office a few years prior. But he doesn't really take that into consideration. It's hard to do that when you get reminded of what brought you into this place on an everyday basis. He'd learned a long time ago that focusing on only the big successes of therapy wouldn't get him anywhere but total frustration, it's just hard to remember that sometimes.

 

The more he writes, the more the name Alec shows up and Magnus frowns. It's unusual for him to mention any of the other patients that often in his notes. He writes fondly about their mutual understanding for each other, though Alec has been the only one voicing his worries so far. But Magnus feels like Alec would do as much for him if he decided to talk more openly. He trusts Alec. And it's scary as hell. The last time that happened, things hadn't ended well for Magnus. Hell, things had only gotten worse from there on out.

 

He has refrained from letting anyone in ever since. Of course, going to hospital and having to open up to a whole group of people had been and still is a challenge. But as long as he isn't too emotionally involved with those people, they can't fuck him over like she did. Besides, he tells himself many times a day, all those people are opening themselves up to him as well. And there's a difference between talking openly about something in a group where they are required to do so and opening up to someone specific in a one-on-one conversation because you want to. It's different and scary.

 

Alec seems trustworthy already, though he has only been here for a few days, not even a week. Frankly, Magnus doesn't know what to make out of that. They had fun yesterday, competing against Luke and Maia. It had showed how well they worked together as a team. Alec had turned out to be quite competitive, much like Magnus and so they had taken it upon themselves to kick their opponents' asses. It didn't go as planned, with Luke and Maia winning 10 to 8. But there was not much to fret about. Luke was just too good and Alec was slightly handicapped with his right hand injured - however the hell that had happened.

 

It seems to be a touchy subject, for when Magnus made the mistake to ask Alec about it he'd seen all of his defences going up immediately. And Magnus couldn't blame him. Of course not. He would have reacted the same if someone pryed on something obviously personal after maybe 24 hours of knowing him.

With a sigh he closes the diary - it had been his therapist's idea to document the ups and downs he faces during hospitalisation - and pushes himself off the bed, time to get some coffee. It's still early for a Saturday, considering that back home, Magnus never got out of bed before eleven. But he's not complaining. At least the people responsible had the decency to schedule breakfast on weekends an hour later than on week days.

 

With a Styrofoam cup of steaming hot coffee in hand, Magnus makes his way outside into the garden. It's a beautiful day, the sun shining, making the orange brown fallen leaves glow brightly. The sky is a clear blue, not a single cloud to be seen. He trods down the small path leading up a small hill that overlooks the hospital's parking lot and garden on the other side.

 

It's a secluded spot Magnus found during his first week here and it's where he goes whenever he needs some peace and quiet outside of the suffocating four walls of his room. He lowers himself on the bench at the top of the hill, tilting his head towards the sun. It's freezing but the parka he luckily bought a few weeks before being hospitalized is keeping him warm. Sighing, he stuffs his free hand in one of the pockets, deciding one hand to be enough to go numb from the cold.

 

As he does often when he comes here, he ponders about what would have happened if he hadn't been send here, if that stranger hadn't reached out to him. Would he be back in his pretentious apartment, days passing by without him even noticing? Would he have actually done it? Would he still be alive? So many questions that he'll never get the answer to.

 

At first he had been reluctant about all this, being in hospital and not entirely voluntarily. The most prominent thing holding him back was doubt. Doubt that this was going to be effective at all.

It's not that he doesn't believe in therapy. No, therapy has helped a lot of people, that is a fact. It's just that he had seen many therapists over the years and while some of them had indeed proofed themselves a little helpful, others hadn't at all. And he had just lost hope at some point along the way.

 

But he'd never been hospitalized before. Maybe that's where it all went wrong. Maybe he'd already be doing far better if he'd gone to hospital earlier. But that's not what matters. What matters is that he is here now, getting what he needs.

 

The hot liquid running down his throat is sending a warmth through Magnus and as he contently breathes out, sending steam through the air. His third week is already coming to an end and if he's lucky, he'll be allowed to leave the hospital premises next week. Meaning, he'd no longer depend entirely on the terrible hospital food to get his daily nutrition. Sure, they're not allowed to go outside for longer than an hour a day and hoarding food in their rooms isn't allowed either. But he'd at least be able to get some decent snacks.

 

Taking the last sip of coffee, Magnus decides it's time to go back inside since his right hand feels like it's about to fall off, as do his nose and ears.

 

 

The day passes by slowly. The weekend days always do, despite the activities offered by the nurses. Magnus doesn't participate in any of them. He might be talented when it comes to painting and drawing but it's something he can only do when he's feeling inspired, not when it's offered.

Art therapy is something else, they get a certain topic and he more often than not can come up with something that resembles some meaning to him. But working without any kind of inspiration? Impossible.

 

Instead, Magnus is seated in the foyer opposite to Luke with whom he'd been talking to for quite some time now. Luke has quickly become like a father figure to Magnus, as he had to Clary and Maia as well, always there to lent an ear. And if Magnus wasn't in the mood to talk about what was bothering him - which was most often the case - Luke would simply distract him with one of his NYPD or travel stories. It is refreshing to hear something about the outside world that has little to nothing to do with any of their hospitalization. It helps bringing a little normality into an environment where everything seems quite surreal.

 

"I'm glad you could be there yesterday." Luke smiles in a way that reminds Magnus a little of a father smiling proudly at his son for accomplishing something quite outstanding. It's not like Magnus did anything like that, at least it doesn't feel like it. Because, what's so special about participating in a game of badminton? To be fair, Magnus hadn't been there the first two times he was offered to join. Too tired and exhausted had he been, thanks to the chronic sleep deprivation.

 

"It was quite an experience, I think I'll show up more often." Magnus answers airily, a small smile tugging at his lips. He speaks the truth. It _was_ fun. And distracting as well. Magnus guesses he has to thank mostly Alec for that since he'd provided Magnus with lighthearted banter both during and after the game. After they'd lost the game to Luke and Maia, they had spend some time watching Jace playing against Lydia while keeping the conversation flowing. Alec, Magnus had easily noticed, appeared rather reserved around most people and especially during group gatherings. But that wasn't the case when Alec interacted with him. And as weird as it may sound, the thought of that makes Magnus all warm inside.

 

"You like that boy." Luke says and it's more an observation than it is a question. Usually, Magnus would deny it. But he knows Luke. And he knows Luke has already seen through him. Luke is already aware of Magnus' growing interest in Alec. Besides, he trusts Luke.

 

"I do." Magnus breathes out. "He's - different." It sounds weird to his own ears, especially since he's known Alec only for such a short time, not even a week. But there is no denying how well they get on. And maybe it's too early to say they're friends. But Magnus would like to be able to call Alec his friend some day.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus is bored. Luke had to go eventually, since his wife paid him a visit. And now Magnus is sitting alone in the foyer, sipping on his fourth coffee of the day while observing the many people rushing past him. Some of them greet him with a nod or a short 'hello' while others right out ignore him - most of them are nurses. It seems rather funny to Magnus, aren't nurses there to take care of their patients? And doesn't being friendly and polite count as that as well? Sure, he's well aware of hospitals being understaffed and nurses being overworked. But is it really too much to ask for being treated politely? It's not the lack of greeting that annoys Magnus, not really. It's only the tip of the iceberg. How many times has he sought out help at the nurses' office when things weren't going so well for him? And how many times has he dealt with annoyed nurses, telling him not to make such a fuss over something so small? The answer is: way too often.

 

Of course, not all things he struggles with are rational and seem rather small to other people. But nurses, especially the ones working for a psych hospital, should at least try to understand and be supportive and not roll their eyes at Magnus every time he ends up in their office. It took him long enough to fully understand that what he is going through is 100% valid and nothing to be ashamed of. And he won't let the nurses (and anyone else who reacts that way) take that away from him.

 

At some point, Alec drags himself past the sitting area, the dark rings under his eyes making him look even paler than usual. He returns Magnus' smile and accepts the invitation to take a seat on the chair Luke once occupied. Magnus watches as Alec fumbles with the sleeves of his worn out and oversized sweater, clearly gathering up the courage to say something. Magnus waits patiently, knowing how hard it can get to voice your thoughts, although Magnus has always considered himself rather confident when it comes to social interaction. But in certain situations even he has trouble saying out loud what is on his mind.

 

"I - I" Alec finds his voice, "I wanted to thank you. For what you said yesterday. It really helped sorting things out." Magnus graces Alec with a warm smile.

 

"I'm glad I could be of help." Alec returns the smile and as he does, a loud yawn escapes his lips. "Did you get any sleep last night?" Magnus inquires, knowing how what a rarity a good nights sleep is for Alec, his soft expression not faltering.

 

"A little, just not enough." Alec replies, rubbing his hand over the beanie he's wearing over the dark mob of hair of his. Magnus can't help but find the black beanie in combination with that oversized sweater and Alec's sleepy eyes and rose tinted cheeks. Alec might be a 6 foot something tall man, towering over almost everyone (except for Luke) but right now he looks far smaller.

 

"The food again, huh?" Magnus grins and his grin only broadens as Alec chuckles lightly, eyes shining. Hearing the low rumble escaping Alec's mouth and seeing the sadness that has clouded Alec's face for what seems like a long time now,  give way for something lighter, something more joyful - even if it last for only a short moment - is an almost healing experience.

 

"Definitely." Alec smiles down at the cup in his hands and when he reverts his eyes back to Magnus his face turns a little more serious. "My sister wants to come visit next weekend." He frowns and takes a small sip from his cup.

 

"Do you not want her to come?" Magnus asks carefully, not wanting to overstep. Family is a tricky topic since almost everyone in here has a history with family struggles, Magnus included. And Magnus was quick to learn that he isn't the only one with a messed up family background. He hadn't been naive enough to believe that in the first place. But he'd been witness to some rather intrusive questions coming from a now ex-patient and, well he also pays attention to what's being talked about during therapy sessions.

 

"I don't know." Alec shrugs to emphasise his response. "It's not like I don't want to see her. I just - I don't know." Alec blows some air out of his nose, his hunched shoulders making him seem utterly defeated all of a sudden. "I'm just scared she's going to expect me to be better already, I think? Or she's going to expect some changes, that's more it." Magnus nods in understanding and before he can say something, Alec speaks up again, "I know it sounds cruel, considering everything she's done for me. But she is a constant reminder of - of everything that happened. And, I don't know, I think I'm scared of things getting worse?" Magnus nods, Alec's worries are more than reasonable. Even a positive instance in one's life can have some negative influence every now and then.

 

"And that's completely fine." Magnus reassures Alec "I take it you're close with your sister?" He waits for Alec's nod as confirmation, before he continues. "I'm sure she'd understand if you asked to reschedule the visit for later. And there is no need to feel guilty for doing so. You need to take care of yourself, as hard as it can get at times, and if you don't feel  well enough to be meeting with her, you but also she needs to respect that."

 

Magnus watches Alec's reaction closely, unsure if it settles with him. It sure can't be easy to put yourself first after years and years of doing the exact opposite. And Magnus fathoms it to be scary as well change something so deeply rooted, something that is also going to effect someone else. Alec keeps quiet, his expression unreadable to Magnus. Maybe he said something wrong?

 

 "Thank you." Alec soothes Magnus' worries with a genuine smile. "And sorry. For always dumping my thoughts on you." 

 

"Don't sweat it." Magnus brushes it off with a wave of his hand. He almost slips up, almost says how much he likes listening to Alec. But he can't do that, not yet. Instead, he changes the topic to something far lighter, hoping to hear that chuckle from earlier again. They fall back into their already so familiar banter, making Magnus' stomach flutter, for some reason beyond him. And Magnus gets what he wants. Alec's laugh is beautiful, like music to Magnus' ears, making everything seem a little lighter, just for a small moment that only belongs to them.

 

They're not just the load they carry around on their back. They're just Magnus and Alec, two people enjoying each others presence.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. distant past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emotions, progress , communication, sibling feels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He lives! (And the show is back in one day yaaayy)
> 
> First of all I have to tell you how sorry I am. I can't believe it's been exactly 6 months since the last update (I swear I didn't plan that) and I spent all of the hiatus writing/stressing. I never thought it would take me this long to update but well here we are. The problem with this chapter was that I was struggling with the usual stuff, all while putting myself under too much pressure and while writing this particular story can be super therapeutic for me, it's also extremly stressful, I hope that makes sense. 
> 
> So, a HUGE thanks to you for being so incredibly patient but also for all your lovely comments, they mean a lot and always encourage me to continue writing whenever I feel like my writing is no good. 
> 
> Also, I wasn't kidding when I used the slowburn tag but we're getting there...slowly.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> \- negative, self-critical thinking (a lot of it, I feel)  
> \- mention of eating disorders (please tell me if what I wrote is in any way incorrect or insulting! I'll edit that part)  
> \- mention of abusive relationships  
> \- blood  
> \- funeral/loss (second part written in italics, close to the end)  
> \- anxiety  
> ...and I think that's about it? But please tell me if I forgot anything!

The week passes much quicker than anticipated. Nothing really changes ,the nights are still either sleepless and when he sleeps - thanks to the constant fatigue caused by the meds – his sleep is disturbed by the same nightmares. It really has turned into a severe problem for he now falls asleep during the day more often, only to be woken up by Max bleeding to death or yelling at him for letting him die, not giving Alec a chance to relax even once. During group therapy sessions Alec still only opens his mouth when absolutely necessary and it's not exactly easy to pay attention to the others in his group when all his body longs for is a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

Alec still keeps mostly to himself, the only exceptions are Jace and Magnus. Jace mostly because he shares a room with the blonde, giving him a larger opportunity to trust Jace. After all, Jace is the one who has witnessed a few of his lowest moments here - mostly his, almost regular now, nightly panic attacks that keep creeping up in him thanks to the recurring nightmares.

 

Magnus and he have spend a good amount of time during their spare time together, watching something on television or going for a walk through the garden, talking about everything and nothing. One day, Alec had found Magnus sitting in the common room a ball of wool beside him while his hands worked effortlessly with the knitting needles, creating a thick patch of dark purple, long enough to be slung around someone's neck. Alec had watched him in silence, intrigued as he had never seen anyone knitting, beside his late grandmother.

 

Her self-knitted jumpers, mittens and scarves had been legendary and dearly beloved by Izzy, Max and Alec. He couldn't help but smile fondly at the memory. His grandparents, at least his mother's parents, had been great people, so full of love and affection for their grandchildren, unlike his parents.

 

They hadn't been around any more when Alec's world had completely fallen apart. But the last thing they had done was making or possible for both him and Isabelle to live without being bound to their parents - thanks to their wealth and the inheritance left for the siblings.

 

He watched Magnus until he arched an eyebrow, lifting his eyes to meet Alec's, a smirk playing around his lips.

 

"It relaxes me."

 

Alec all but nodded, mesmerized by Magnus' swift fingers.

 

"Do you want to try?"

 

Alec declined but remained seated next to Magnus, watching the woollen piece growing longer. They fell into easy conversation, exchanging random facts and even slipping into words of playful teases. At some point, Alec even managed to get a wholehearted laugh out of Magnus, his heart picking up in speed as Magnus' eyes crinkled in joy – what a sight to see.

 

He spends some more time with Jace and Magnus individually but also with their small group, playing cards, hanging out in the music room, just getting to know them all a little better. Simon turns out to be absolutely kind hearted and filled with good intentions - which Alec finds out once he looks past Simon's constant need to talk. Alec also takes a liking in Ragnor and the dry humour of his.

 

As it turns out, he was right with his feelings about Aline and Maia from the moment he first met them. Both are girls with a fierceness similar to Izzy's and a heart as big as Magnus' and Simon's combined. He'd love to introduce both Maia and Aline to Izzy one day, feeling as though they would fit together perfectly.

 

Lydia, Alec finds out, is a lot like him personality wise. And he can't help but think that he'd be in a place similar to her if it weren't for everything that went down between him and his parents and everything that followed. She's overly ambitious, focused on finishing every task - be it filling out forms relevant for therapy or cleaning whatever needs to be cleaned - with perfection. She tells Alec how she's always been pushed to exceed her own limits, to do her best in every aspect of her life. And Alec relates. But while he'd been able to go against everyone's expectations, Lydia had been sucked into that spiral of overworking herself, only to be rewarded with even higher expectations on her.

 

With the rest of the group Alec can't quite connect. Raphael likes to keep to himself and hardly ever speaks. Alec respects that, he does not know the reason behind Raphael's behaviour and knows that it's not his place to ask. So, he just lets him be.

 

Clary seems okay but a little too intrusive for Alec's taste. She asks the questions no one else dares to ask, be it consciously or not, intruding Alec's comfort zone with ease. That makes it very hard for Alec to like her, though he knows he's probably acting childish and that there's more to her than her damn noisiness.

 

Now, it's Monday and the beginning of his third week already. He is slowly getting used to the life far off from reality - at least that's what it feels like - and being under constant control from the nurses and doctors. Even if they're allowed to walk around freely, even if they're not being forced to partake every meal, even if they're allowed to leave the hospital's premises once deemed stable enough - they're still under control, being watched. Alec isn't stupid, they wouldn't allow them to do all that without having any kind of security measurements and regulations. Hence, the weekly blood pressure check-up and weight control he's been put on after his last week's blood pressure had been too low. First, they had suspected it to be the medication, since it is also being used to reduce high blood pressure. But one step on the scale had proven Alec's lack of food intake to be the cause.

 

So now here he is, his stomach dropping , as he takes of his well-worn sweater (yes, he's wearing this damn thing almost every day but it provides him with comfort and a sense of safety) to step on the scale and wait for the nurse's judgement.

 

Over the course of the last week he did manage to go down to the dining hall at least twice a day, which is already some improvement to the week prior. So this should be fine, as long as he didn't lose any more weight than he already has he should be fine. He'd been threatened to be put into the group dealing with eating disorders in case of losing more and there is no way he'd let that happen. For multiple reasons, A) as far as he knows this isn't an eating disorder, just an unhealthy symptom of the depression that has been persistent so far; B) it'd be unfair to people who are dealing with an eating disorder for real, who _need_ to join that particular group but _can't_ because Alec is taking up the space.

 

It's the third time he's standing on a scale ever since he's gotten here and it's still as uncomfortable as it was the first time. He'd never had any particular problems with his body. But ever since the weight loss had started, he'd become more an more self-conscious and now the critical face of the nurse that is on duty isn't exactly helping him feel any better.

 

However, he hasn't lost any weight during the last week, so that is at least something to feel good about. The nurse just nods as sign for him to step off the scale and go back to his room where Jace is currently pacing up and down between the two beds, an angry frown etched on to his face. His brows are creased as he breathes heavily, making Alec enter with caution.

 

In his two weeks here, he has never seen Jace this worked up about anything. Sure, Jace had had some days where his emotions were on plain sight. But never like this. Jace's shoulders are tense, as is his jaw he clenches and unclenches.

 

Carefully, not wanting to startle his room mate, Alec closes the door behind him and clears his throat to announce his presence. Jace's head jerks up and Alec notices how desperately he tries to school his features but fails miserably. His eyes are blown wide, partly with fear but also anger. His face has turned to an unusual pale shade that puts even Alec's pale complexion to shame. Jace stops dead in his tracks, shame taking over his features as he realises he's been caught having a breakdown of some sorts.

 

"Do you need some time alone?" Alec asks with a gentle voice, trying to give Jace as much space as he needs. "I - I can go, just let me grab my -"

 

"No." Jace interrupts his ramble "Stay." He says almost pleading, as if being alone would only make things worse. And so Alec lowers himself onto his mattress, not sure what to say. But maybe Jace doesn't need him to say anything right now. Maybe all he needs is someone to sit in silence and make him feel less alone, or whatever it is Jace is dealing with right now.

 

Jace starts pacing again, this time with less tension in his upper body. Alec just watches him, deciding to let Jace take the lead. He knows from his own experience that pressing for information when it's not his place to ask is useless and not of much help. When people do that to him, he usually closes himself off even more and as far as he can tell, Jace works the same, more or less.

 

"My father was just discharged from prison." Jace eventually says, catching Alec by surprise. They have never talked about anything this personal. During the past week, Jace had opened up about little things here and there, never going into too much detail - as had Alec. This is something new. When they had talked it had always been about their current struggles, not what had led to these struggles in the first place. But, Alec figures, Jace's current struggle is heavily linked to the past (of course all their struggles lead back to the past but this one is particularly hard to talk about without revealing anything).

 

"And now he'll come visit on Saturday." Jace's voice is flat, though Alec catches the flash of hurt, and fear in his eyes. Again, he's at loss for words. Obviously, Jace is anything but happy to see his father again. And Alec doesn't even have to ask why, Jace's body language speaks for itself. His shoulders are hunched over, his hands balled to fists so tightly, Alec can see a trickle of blood  where his fingernails dig into the palms, and his neck is under a constant strain.

 

Alec then decides to remain silent and wait for Jace to elaborate, if he even wants to. He won't force any answers and he sure as hell won't ask anything while not knowing when he's coming dangerously close to hitting a nerve.

 

"He didn't even consider that I don't want to see him. I don't want him near me any more." Jace grits out and Alec guesses that Jace just needs to let it out, his anger isn't directed towards him. "I don't even know how he knows where I am." Alec is almost surprised by the fear Jace's words are laced with. He'd seen Jace going through many emotions before - though it is a rare occurrence to be even witness to that - sadness, hurt, anger but never has he seen his room mate this terrified.

 

"Can't you - I don't know, aren't there any regulations that prohibit people to visit who are not welcome here?" Alec suggests hesitantly. "I think the nurses and, I don't know, security won't let him see you if you don't want him to." Jace ponders on his words, before he nods weakly, rubbing his eyes.

 

"It's -" he breaks off, inhaling deeply, "it's not just that. He - He is my father, after all. He is the one who raised me. Shouldn't I be - thankful?" At that, Alec's blood begins to boil. What is it with parents thinking they're privileged to hold their 'generosity' for providing their own children with food, clothes and everything else necessary to cater to their basic needs  against them? It was the parents' decision to bring someone else into their life and having a child automatically means you have to take care of it, simple as that.

 

It's the same mentality Alec had been brought up with. It's nothing but harmful and toxic, only used to have better control over their children. Luckily, Alec had his sister's help to come to that conclusion long before things between them had gone south.

 

"No!" Alec surprises himself with the harshness of his tone. "Only because he raised you doesn't mean that you're obliged to remain thankful all your life, especially when he hurt you." He adds in a much softer voice. "Look, yes, he cared for you, provided you with food, education and everything else. But that was his _duty_ as a parent. _He_ chose to take over the role as your father, meaning he took over the role of caring for you. You don't owe him an -" Before Alec can say anything else, Jace shoots him an angry look and storms off without a word.

 

Well, fuck.

 

Alec overstepped without meaning to. Of course he didn't mean to. But it happened. Alec can think of many reasons as to why Jace took it the way he did. Maybe Jace thought he was just someone giving advice without having ever experienced that kind of pressure, making it sound so easy when actually it is one of the hardest things to learn. Maybe it is that, combined with all the other emotions, causing an even bigger inner turmoil.

 

He fucked up. He didn't mean to.

 

He wants to follow Jace, apologise and explain. But something tells him to leave Jace be, for now. Although he can't help but feel awful for making Jace feel even worse. Though it's not really his fault, is it? With a groan, Alec lies down, burying his face in his pillow. His stomach has tied itself into knots. That weird anxious feeling whenever he messes something up, like angering people he is even remotely close with, takes over. Even though this he didn't have much influence on. Jace could have heard him out, listened to him instead of stomping off.

 

Alec tries not to care, tries to convince himself that if Jace would have stayed there would have been time to clarify Alec's position. That he had struggled with something alike - maybe not to the same extent - and that he understands the manipulative things that have been planted in Jace's mind. But he fails. He can't shake the guilt that has made its way down his stomach where it has settled for now.

 

Guilt. Nothing new to his life. Yet, every new layer of guilt that is added to his conscience is constricting his throat even more. It's like a collar tightening a little more around his neck every time another layer adds on. It's suffocating and one day it's going to break him completely.

 

* * *

 

 

_It is dark, the only source of light being a sparse neon light coming from the ceiling and the green exit signs far away. Alec wants to run, get out of this haunting staircase with its grey cement walls that make it look like it's coming straight out of some horror movie. He needs to get as far away from here as possible. But he can't. His legs are moving but it's like running through hip deep mud, his body only driven by fear, every movement requiring maximum effort._

_The sound of footsteps echoes through the building,  and he knows_ he _is coming closer. If he doesn't move now, he'll get to him. And kill him like he killed Max._

_Max._

_As Alec looks down on himself, he spots his shirt, his favourite shirt, caked in a thick crust of dried blood. Max's blood. Suddenly, the air Alec inhales tastes of iron and does only little to provide him with the oxygen he needs. He starts panting, gasping for air but all he gets is the pungent smack of iron filling his mouth and lungs, causing bile to rise in the process. He can't breathe. He's going to suffocate before he can do any other harm to him. Maybe it is better this way. Maybe he deserves to go this way._

_"Yes you do."_

 

_It's only a faint whisper. But Alec knows where it's coming from. He knows it's his little brother. His little brother who is watching him from far away, waiting for him to die and to take his place. The whisper is getting louder, until Max stands right in front of him, laughing. His eyes are crinkled, the way they always do whenever he laughs at something he wholeheartedly enjoys. Alec looks at him for a second, still struggling to breathe._

_Max's high pitched laugh is piercing through his ears and for a moment Alec worries about going deaf from the noise. That is when the laugh gets disrupted by a gurgling noise and a sanguine fluid runs out of his little brother's mouth and his chin, tainting his once pearly white teeth in an eerie shade of crimson._

_"Fuck you." Max spits out, anger flaming hot in his eyes. And then he yells the same words over and over again, his voice growing louder each time._

 

 

With a start, Alec sits up in his bed. He's panting heavily and his sweater is clinging tightly to his body, drenched in sweat. He runs his shaking fingers through his thick hair, trying to ground himself.

 

Just a dream, it was just a dream. This, here is real. No one is following him and Max bleeding out, yelling at him isn't real either. He sucks in a shaky breath upon recalling that image. He is in hospital, in his room. He must have fallen asleep sometime after Jace left.

 

Right. Jace.

 

He messed up. But at least this is something that can be dealt with. He can still right his wrongs, if Jace lets him.

 

With his legs wobbling under his weight, Alec makes his way to the bathroom, determined to wash away all the sweat and misery from the nightmare. He wishes showers would work with everything. Traumatic experience? Just wash it away! Fear of failure? Wash it away! Crippling anxiety? Wash it away!

 

The warm jet of water cascading down on him dampens his hair and eases the tension in his muscles. Letting the water run over his face he rubs violently at his eyes in an attempt to get those haunting images out of his head. It's not quite as effective as he wishes it to be. Max is still there, blood smeared all over his face and shirt, his eyes empty, almost ghost-like.

 

And there it as again, the anger and fear taking over, not leaving an ounce of rationality for him to hold on to. He has worked on this, at least he'd been trying to. They have been through this in therapy, he and Doctor Gray. He turns the water cold, hoping it helps to ground himself once again.

 

_I'm in hospital, taking a shower. This is not real. It's only happening in my head._

 

He takes in the musky scent his body wash emits, focusing on the smell as it hits his nostrils and the ice cold water that hits his skin, leaving a stinging sensation.

 

About twenty minutes later Alec leaves the bathroom after realising that he has no idea what time it is and that he has a therapy session scheduled for this morning. If he missed that he's fucked. Two strikes and you're out. That's what they told him the day he arrived. Miss two therapy sessions without prior notice and the hospital will no longer see a reason to continue the treatment.

 

He rushes down the hallway with the sinking feeling of having messed up the second time today, Jace's alarm clock having told him that he's fifteen minutes late already. The door to Doctor Gray's office is standing wide open but he knocks nonetheless, it would be rude to barge in just like that.

 

Doctor Gray greets him with that sweet smile of hers and all fear of having angered her rolls off Alec's shoulders. She doesn't seem even the slightest bit annoyed, though Alec wouldn't blame her if she was.

 

She simply asks for the reason he's late and then he tells her about how he had upset Jace and the nightmare following the event. She is quick to reassure him that the small fight with Jace is probably nothing more than a miscommunication and can be resolved in an open conversation.

 

Later, Doctor Gray asks Alec to write down the events of the nightmare and then to re-write it and change the events to something positive. It's not easy, although it's not the first time she asks him to. Alec's problem is that his mind automatically jumps to the most ideal positive outcome: the dream being non-existent. But with a little help he can narrow it down to Max not being there, his yells not being as violent and haunting. And being able to escape with nothing holding him back while the one following him is taken down by the police - as it had happened in reality.

 

At the end of their session, Alec feels a little lighter and even hopeful to clear the misunderstanding between Jace and him. He hopes to do be able to do that before lunch, otherwise it would most certainly become awkward between them, and wear him down all day.

 

Unfortunately, Jace isn't in their room when Alec comes back and also nowhere else to be found.

 

Shit.

 

Since it's almost time for lunch it seems highly unlikely for them to avoid the awkwardness that is guaranteed to ensue their little fall out now.

 

And here he is, working himself up again. Perfect.

 

* * *

 

After all, Jace doesn't even show up. No one really comments on that, though it's unusual for Jace  to miss a meal when no one knows of his whereabouts. When he doesn't show up at the dining hall it's usually because he went to get it outside with either Clary or Lydia. But that doesn't seem to be the case today.

 

Alec tries not to think too much of it. Obviously, there is more to Jace shutting himself off from everyone than Alec is aware of. But it's easier said than done to remind himself of that. The guilt has returned and it's eating at him.

 

He tries to keep his mind occupied with the conversations flowing around him. It's not that, only because they are here for a reason, they all hang around being depressed all the time. There are days where a few of them, or even all of them, seem to enjoy themselves quite a lot, making the all too stigmatised image that has been crafted long ago seem shameful and simply incorrect (which, to be honest, it is). But there are also days where nothing comes easy to them, where it seems like some substance is polluting the air, dragging everyone down and making every single task impossible to finish, or to begin, even.

 

Today is one of those days.

 

Simon is awfully quiet, Clary just uses her fork to poke whatever it is that is on her plate repeatedly without ever taking a bite. Magnus is sitting opposite to Alec, not looking overly content either. Alec notices his usually smooth, bronze skin has taken a worryingly pale shade, making the rings under his eyes stand out even more. It is clear that he hasn't slept well last night and for some reason worry stirs in Alec's stomach.

 

What is it with everyone being down lately?

 

"You okay?" Magnus asks and Alec almost wants to laugh for he wanted to ask Magnus the same just a second ago. Almost. But he doesn't laugh. Instead, he nods, shakes his head and eventually shrugs his shoulders. So much for a clear answer.

 

"You?" Alec inquires  quietly, trying not to let his worry be evident in his voice.

 

"Bad night. Bad day. All in all quite disastrous." The elegant flourish of Magnus' hands makes his words seem almost weightless. One of, Alec has noticed, many trademarks of Magnus'. Magnus showing his emotions on full display is a rarity only few have been witness to, Alec being one of them.

 

It had been during the prior weekend when Alec had found Magnus with bloodshot eyes and tear streaks trailing down his cheeks, leaning against the grey hallway walls, curled up in on himself with his knees pulled up to his chest. It had been a miserable sight to see and Alec's heart still hurts at the thought of it. He'd said nothing, just waited for Magnus to slowly nod at his inquiring look before he lowered himself right next to Magnus.

 

Alec had no idea how long they just sat there, neither of them saying a word, just listening to each other's breaths. Alec hadn't dared to ask what or why Magnus was sat there, crying silently. All he wanted was to provide some level of comfort for the man who had once, during his first week, done the same for him. He wanted Magnus to know that he didn't need to go through whatever he was going through on his own, just like Magnus had.

 

Eventually, Magnus had leaned a little into Alec, their shoulders pressed against each other, a faint smile playing around his lips. "Thanks", was all Magnus said but no word could've done the graveness in his expression any justice. Alec understood. Words were unnecessary.

 

He doesn't dare to ask any further. At least not here in the dining hall, surrounded by people who barely know Magnus. People who, Alec is sure of it, aren't supposed to know anything about Magnus beside his name. So he just blows out a soft breath of air and nods in understanding.

 

"Want to get out of here?"

 

Alec, again, nods and five minutes later he finds himself seated on the bench on top of the hill in the hospitals garden, right next to Magnus. They're both clinging to their respective Styrofoam cups warming their hands, their cheeks and noses glowing red from the sharp, cold wind blowing through the autumnal scenery, making the dead leaves twirl around and the bare branches creak dangerously.

 

"What's on your mind?" Magnus asks after minutes of comfortable silence. Alec is taken by surprise by Magnus' straightforwardness (though he should be used to it by now, besides, it's not like he's any different), too caught up in his own thoughts to have paid attention to anything else that has been going on around him.

 

"Huh? Nothing I - I -" the breath Alec lets out of his nose is one of the defeated kind and his hunched shoulders give away his true feelings. "I don't know. So much?" All Magnus does is arch an eyebrow, making it clear that he doesn't believe Alec.

 

"I might have said something that upset someone and now I feel bad for it. But it's fine, I've already talked about it to Doctor Gray." Alec shrugs. "What about you? 'Quite disastrous'?"

 

"Ugh," Magnus lets out a long sigh, rubbing a hand over his eyes, "just one of those days, you know?"

 

"Yeah." It's obvious that Magnus doesn't want to talk about the topic at hand, so he drops it. "Izzy is finally visiting this upcoming weekend."

 

"Really? Are you feeling more confident about it now?" The sincere interest is evident in Magnus' voice, and again Alec is taken aback by the man's absolute benevolence. He's not ever met anyone as interested and caring for someone else's well-being as Magnus. It's not even that it seems like Magnus asks these things to avert the attention away from him. He has other tactics to do that, he doesn't have to pretend to care for that.

 

"Uh-huh, definitely." Alec grimaces as he burns the tip of his tongue with the hot, black fuel of his. "And I kind of miss her, though she can really drive you nuts sometimes."

 

"I hear that's a common thing with siblings. Never was able to make that experience myself, though."

 

"No siblings?" Alec silently wishes to face-palm himself right now, without Magnus noticing. Didn't Magnus practically give the answer to his question already, before he even asked? And what if this is too personal? Though Magnus probably wouldn't have mentioned it if he didn't want Alec to know, right?

 

"Nope." Magnus lets the 'p' pop as the word rolls off his tongue. "I'm an only child, as far as I know. Though I did grow up with quite a lot of children of all ages around me, wouldn't consider them siblings, though." Alec arches an eyebrow, silently inquiring further, despite already having a vague idea what Magnus is alluding at. “ I grew up in foster care, jumped from family to family until I turned eighteen. Moving out was my number one priority back then.”

 

“That sounds...rough.”

 

Magnus hums in agreement, his features darkening for a second, enough for Alec to know that it's time for a change in topic.

 

"I like this place, how come no one else ever comes here?" Alec asks and Magnus visibly relaxes at the change of topic.

 

"Why, Alec. That is a really question that I don't have the answer to. They either all hate the outside or they just don't have a distinct sense for places that are likeable, we may never know." Alec chuckles lowly, shaking his head fondly. This is such a Magnus-answer.

 

"Well, their loss."

 

Then it's silent again, both staring out over the small houses built around the hill the hospital is situated on,  towering over the small town. Clouds of smoke are erupting from several chimneys, the sky a dark grey. Alec suspects it to start raining every minute now but he has no desire to leave just yet. He enjoys sitting out here with Magnus, with no pressure to come up with the right words to say. With Magnus he can just be. No need to pretend to be someone he isn't. No need to keep up appearances or any defensive walls of his. Every interaction between him and Magnus is raw and pure, from Magnus' side as well, Alec can tell. The silence is familiar and not oppressive at all.

 

It's like they have known each other for years when in reality it has only been a few weeks, not even a month.

 

"You know what?" Magnus breaks through the silence, his voice shy of the confidence it usually oozes with. Alec turns his eyes back on Magnus, observing the visible change in Magnus' demeanour. He's fiddling nervously with the spiderweb shaped earcuff he always wears, his eyes are fixed on the tip of his - very fashionable - shoes.

 

"No, what?"

 

"You're the only person I've felt this comfortable with in years." Magnus chuckles warmly. "I don't know, it's weird. But I feel like I can trust you." Alec watches as Magnus shrugs his shoulders helplessly before their gazes meet. It's a raw moment with Magnus just having opened his heart, even if it's just a small crack, a moment so precious Alec wants to savour every second of it.

 

He offers Magnus a smile that he hopes conveys all the words he wants to say but can't. He is rendered speechless by the weight of the words. But he wishes he could tell Magnus that he feels the same, that he has come to trust Magnus in such a short matter of time, that Magnus allows him to be himself when he's around. But his brain doesn't comply. Instead, he just stares, his cheeks running hot while there is something unusual going on in his stomach.

 

"It's not weird." Alec croaks out eventually for lack of better words. He feels Magnus' eyes raking over him, a shy smile taking over his lips. "I feel the same." He hears the soft exhale of air and Alec supposes Magnus has been holding his breath, too worried about being rejected in any possible way.

 

 

"Good." Magnus all but breathes out. And Alec senses something new in the air. Something between them has shifted, though he doesn't know yet in which direction. But it's positive, of that much he is certain.

 

For a while it's silent again, the occasional slurps as they drink their coffee are the only sounds surrounding them. That is, until Magnus groans loudly, squeezing the Styrofoam cup in his hands. It's empty now.

 

"I really miss my coffee machine." He sighs, earning a chuckle from Alec - which puts a smile on his face despite his obvious distraught.

 

"Ditto." Alec agrees. "There are quite a few things that I miss." He adds after a moment of contemplation.

 

"And that would be?" Alec notices the playful hint in Magnus' voice, his stomach bubbling suspiciously. What the hell is going on with him? He hasn't felt that sensation in a long, long time. Since his first year in college, if he's being honest, when he'd gotten closer with Mark Jameston, one of his former friends, the very one he'd been crushing on.

 

Oh god. Is he crushing on Magnus?

 

He's a grown man, he can't just develop crushes on good-looking men who are super nice, make him forget everything for at least a few hours, and make him feel understood.

 

That realisation throws him off, as if he's stepping foot into unfamiliar, and most certainly, dangerous territory. How is he supposed to handle this on top of everything else?

 

Magnus must have noticed his current struggle of coming to terms with said realisation as he nudges his shoulder softly, asking "you okay?" His brows are furrowed, his voice remarkably gentle.

 

"Yeah, sorry I was just -" Alec waves around with his hands, failing miserably to come up with a good excuse for his mind being absent for a second. Surely 'hey I've just realised I may or may not have a crush on you and it terrifies the shit out of me' isn't good enough.

 

"Anyway," Alec tries to gather his thoughts and go back to the conversation they were originally having, "privacy. It most definitely is on the top of the list of things I miss most." 

 

"I'll drink to that." Magnus raises his cup cheerfully, taking a relishing sip. "As much as I admire Ragnor - except for his horrendous snores, of course - living with that old grump can get quite exhausting at times."

 

Again, Alec's stomach feels like it's stuffed with butterflies flapping around in an attempt to escape. It's distracting and definitely not helping with keeping focused on their conversation.

 

"Yeah." Alec sighs eventually. "I don't know, it's not that I don't like being around people or anything. But sometimes it gets quite hard staying socially…  available all the time? And even when Jace and I are just in our room reading or simply minding our own business, I'm always super cautious of how I present myself. At least most of the time." Alec catches the way Magnus looks at him, as if he's contemplating his words, about to be giving advice.

 

"You don't like being the centre of attention in any way, huh?"

 

"Yeah." Alec nods hesitantly, not sure what to expect, now that he has revealed himself. It's too late to pull his guard back up again.

 

"Is that why you never say anything during group therapy?" Magnus asks not unkindly. Alec fixes his gaze on his lap, missing the softness that has settled on Magnus' features. This question feels oddly personal, a simple 'yes' or 'no' not enough for an answer.

 

"Kind of." Alec shrugs eventually, not daring to look up just yet. His fingers are rubbing together, as they always do when he's trying to ease his nerves. "But it's not just that." Alec continues after a moment of silence. "I don't - I don't really know what exactly to say? I don't like talking about myself, as you've noticed. And I don't know - I don't know if I'm ready to talk about," he hesitates, "everything."

 

Alec finally looks up, catching the way Magnus takes him in, sympathy evident in his eyes. The knots that have tied in Alec's stomach untangle themselves slightly upon that sight, the realisation of not being judged slowly sinking in.

 

"I get it." Magnus nods slowly, his voice calm. "I've struggled with the same problem at first. I thought I had to lay all my cards open for everyone to see. You don't have to share everything with the group. Only what you feel comfortable with. It's completely fine to share bits and pieces, no-one's  going to push for more."

 

Alec nods, then asks with insecurity evident in his voice, "does it help?" It's a thought that has been on his mind for some time now but the first time he has the guts to voice it out loud. Because isn't sharing whatever is on his mind with Doctor Gray enough?

 

"It does. In more ways than you'd think." Magnus chuckles lowly. "Sometimes the advice from people who may struggle with something similar is more eye-opening than the one you can get from any professional." Magnus takes a moment, his eyes gazing over the hill, before he continues, "And sometimes it doesn't even have to be that. Sometimes, all it is about is learning to open up a little and take a step out of your comfort zone, even if it's just a small one."

 

That sounds plausible. Though, Alec supposes, it's all easier said than done.

 

"Look, I'm not saying that it's an easy thing to do, just that it's worth a try." It's as if Magnus is able to read his mind. "Think of the group as some sort of safe place. We all have our problems and I guess we've all been at that point where you are now. We all had to learn that it's okay to talk so openly about our quarrels. No one is there to judge."

 

Alec nods, letting the other man's words sink in. It's easy to forget that you're not the only one who has to adjust and, while doing so, overcome your fears. They've all started their therapy here with the same (or similar) fears. It's not just him. These people here are more likely to understand his struggles than anyone in the 'outside world' might be.

 

"Thank you." Alec's voice is a bit strained but Magnus doesn't comment on it. He just nods, satisfaction evident in his expression. "You're - you're so wise." The second the words leave Alec's mouth he wants to kick himself. Sure, it's a compliment but, really? He could have at least said it more eloquently. Or could have just not said it at all. The embarrassment is written all over his face (if the heat in his cheeks is any indication) and he silently prays to all deities there are for Magnus to not notice, to just brush over that comment as if it meant nothing.

 

"Why, thank you." Of course, luck isn't on Alec's side today. But the bright grin that stretches all over Magnus' face makes all the embarrassment worth it. Magnus doesn't seem to find it weird or embarrassing, or he just doesn't let it show. So it's fine, right?

 

His eyes travel upwards shyly, meeting Magnus's. There is an intensity in Magnus' gaze, Alec can't quite explain, that makes his breath hitch. A charged tension fills the space between them, and Alec swears he can feel the small hairs on his neck stand up. For a short moment he allows himself to gaze down at Magnus's mouth, wondering what it would be like to kiss those pink lips. He imagines them being smooth, unlike his own very chapped ones. 

 

The sharp late November wind whips through the air, shaking the bare branches of the trees surrounding them. The shiver it sends through Alec's body breaks the spell between them, Magnus's lips pulling into a small smile, almost apologetic.

 

"Want to go back inside?" Everything in Alec screams 'no', wishing he could stay here forever with Magnus, in their small little bubble they've created where everything is sort of fine. Where the usual negativity hanging in the air, floating through the hospital's, hallways doesn't get to them.

 

But his numb toes and stiff (and hurting) fingers compel him to agree. The coffee has grown cold and has therefore exhausted its hand-warmer function anyway.

 

Alec's cheeks however - despite the freezing cold - are hot, making the wind biting at his skin somewhat bearable (it's also quite a relief to know that the temperatures could be blamed for his flushed cheeks).

 

 Slowly, as if to drag out their time together a little longer, they make their way towards the entrance. They don't talk, but the silence is comfortable. As they reach the door, Alec notices them both hesitating to open it, both not ready to step out of their bubble just yet. 

 

Only when Alec is back in his - still empty - room, he becomes aware of how the cold has seeped into his bones, his teeth chattering lightly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It's well past ten when Alec crawls into bed, eyelids heavy and his mind quite fuzzy. Jace still hasn't shown up, not even to dinner. And if Clary hadn't informed them that Jace has holed himself up inside the music room, the worry would still be eating away at him.

 

Now he's only worried about them not being able to reconcile and their fight hanging over them like a cloud for the next days or - even worse - weeks.

 

Since the music room needs to be cleared by eleven and all patients need to return to their rooms by then, Alec decides to fight the fatigue that has overcome him once again, with the intent of confronting Jace and apologize to him.

 

When Jace scurries through the door he does it in silence, probably expecting Alec to be asleep already. Or maybe it's just an attempt of making him appear as least visible as possible.

 

Alec decides to give Jace some time to get ready for bed before he sits up, fumbling nervously with the duvet covering his legs.

 

"Jace, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overstep." Alec rushes out as Jace comes out of the bathroom, dressed in a plain shirt and sweats. The surprise on Jace's face doesn't go past Alec, neither does the defeat and utter exhaustion in the blond's posture as he falls down onto the mattress.

 

He doesn't look at Alec, his hands rubbing vigorously over his face. Anxiety is pooling in Alec's stomach, he definitely can't handle Jace being angry with him, although he has tried to mentally prepare himself. It doesn't matter that it's probably just a stupid misunderstanding. The thought of someone being angry with him on top of everything else is frightening.

 

He watches as Jace shakes his head, face still buried in his hands and his stomach droops. "No." Jace's voice is strained and Alec assumes he's either been yelling  or crying - both options seem likely.

 

"You don't need to apologise. If anyone should apologise, it's me.  You just tried to help and I didn't know how to deal with that." Jace lowers his hands, revealing his face to Alec. His eyes are bloodshot and tired and it comes as quite a shock to Alec. Maybe it's because he has been quite ignorant regarding Jace's ability to break down as well. But that doesn't  matter right now.

 

 What matters now is that Jace knows that Alec is there to support him, just like he has done the few times before for Alec.

 

"Hearing what you said was overwhelming but that in no way justifies my reaction. I'm sorry."

 

Alec nods, feeling ten times lighter already. "It's okay," he says eventually, too tired to produce anything else, let alone proceed Jace's words. For now he is just relieved that they're okay.  Acknowledging Jace holding himself accountable for what happened has to wait till the next morning.

 

 

The next day, a Tuesday, things go a little bit smoother. Jace is still a nervous wreck, and really, Alec can sympathise more than he'd like to. He offers his support to Jace, knowing  that it is all he can do for now.

 

He tries to look at the day with a more positive attitude, which isn't the easiest thing to do, considering that he finds himself in a constant state of fatigue (which sadly doesn't guarantee a full nights sleep, free of evil men and little brothers).

 

The morning session of group therapy goes over quickly. While the other group members talk about their experiences with and fear of being judged by others, Alec allows himself to ponder on Magnus' words from yesterday.

 

Opening up more sounds so easy in theory. But it really isn't. Alec has never been one to open up to others in the first place. It makes others see your weak spots, makes you vulnerable to them. And they could end up using it against you. And then there is also that they could judge you for whatever you chose to tell them (which shouldn't be that big of an issue but for Alec it is).

 

And Alec doesn't want that.

 

Deep down though, he wants to be able to actively participate, he wants to be able to feel like he is a part of the group. Because, as much as he has learned to get along with the people privately, during the sessions he still feels like the odd one out. And the thought of talking openly about certain things, and of being understood and supported is as tempting as it is scary.

 

As always he is his own worst enemy, standing in his own way. That concession comes with an infuriating frustration. He feels frozen in this weird place where he is close to act upon volition but some invisible barrier is holding him back, caging him

 

In a way it has always been like that for him.  He has always hidden behind his fears, too afraid to disappoint, up until it wasn't bearable any more.

 

He's not sure he can wait that long, however. He doesn't want to push himself but neither does he want to reach that breaking point. He has to find some sort of balance.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next days all blur together to one big grey, hazy mess of nothingness and various intrusive thoughts as Alec spends most of the days in bed, only finding enough energy to attend the daily therapy sessions and show up to at least one meal a day. He is uncertain of the source of this sudden slump, can't pinpoint any particular event that might have caused his mood to drop, and for him to come close to hit rock bottom.

 

Jace, who seems to be struggling himself, doesn't comment on it. Sometimes, when Alec foregoes two meals in a row, he smuggles some food from the dining hall up into their room for Alec to eat - not that Alec has any appetite. 

 

 He feels like he has been sucked into a hole that is being filled with mud, burying him underneath. There is no escape. And it's a shame, really. What would Izzy say? Or even better, what is she going to say when she comes to visit this weekend? Maybe he was too quick to agree to meet her so soon.

 

It's his third week, shouldn't he be better by now?

 

She's going to think all this - admitting himself to hospital - was useless, that he is weak and a lost cause. Though, that shouldn't come as much of a surprise to her. After all, she has always been there when he was at his lowest. She has always been strong for the both of them.

 

She had taken care of the mess of a brother Alec was - still is - while she herself was grieving as well. Or, did she even have time to grieve?

 

What if she has just found the time to properly grieve the loss of her baby brother, now that Alec isn't around all the time, and he is not there to support her, like an older brother should. And what if she comes and sees what a mess Alec still is and all the progress she has made goes through the window?

 

She can't come this weekend. Absolutely not.

 

All these thoughts go through his head as he lies there, staring at the bare wall that could really use another paintjob.  He doesn't know where this sudden lethargy of his came from (but that's the thing, isn't it? Sometimes depression just kicks in for no obvious reason, knocks you down and leaves you lying on the floor, helpless) and that makes everything a little worse.

 

It feels like he has lost control, like there is nothing he can do to escape this just like so many other things that have happened that he was unable control. It's suffocating and only adding on to the immense weight on his shoulders.

 

"You coming down for lunch?" Jace's rather quiet voice breaks through the heavy silence that has filled the room for days now, the occasional rustle of paper or Jace's footsteps having been the only source of noise.

 

Alec turns on his back, shooting a quick glance at Jace before he turns his eyes to the ceiling. The dark circles underneath Jace's eyes and the unsure expression on his face don't go unnoticed. But what is he even supposed to say?

 

With a weak shake of his head Alec indicates that he'd rather stay in bed and stare holes into the wall, all while being miserable.

 

Jace clears his throat, grumbling something under his breath before he leaves the room. This is getting quite frustrating, feeling like he's a liability to everyone around him. It's not like he doesn't want to change that but he has no idea how to where to start.

 

It's not until it's all dark around him, Jace tossing and turning in his bed, that the first step to a solution dawns him. It's quite simple and definitely not something that guarantees success or anything like that. But it's a step towards the right direction.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It's Thursday when Alec sits on one of the many cushions in the CMT room, a soft throw blanket thrown over his shoulders, his palms sweaty. The weight of the blanket easing his nerves, even if it's only a little.

 

Simon and Magnus sit left and right to him and though Alec hasn't really talked to them in days they don't seem to be too bothered. Alec either expected them to be cold or patronizing. Both options didn't really sit well with him.

 

Alec is well aware of Magnus being nothing but sympathetic. But that hadn't stopped his worries from spiralling out of control.

 

They start the session off with their usual talking round where everyone gets the chance to open up about their well-being and whatever is on their mind at this moment. Alec doesn't really listen to what Aline, Maia and Simon say, Magnus' words echoing through his head.

 

No one's there to judge. The group is a safe-place. Small step out of your comfort zone. Bits and pieces.

 

Alec is so caught up in his own thoughts that his name being said by Doctor Rollins catches him by surprise and he blurts out a simple "I'm good.", immediately feeling the need to slap himself. It's obvious no one in the room believes him and Doctor Rollins squints her eyes at him in apprehension. Alec is almost certain she is going to pry further, or call him out on his bullshit, and he almost wishes she would. But before he knows it she nods at Magnus, signalling for him to continue.

 

He really wants to pay attention to the other group members but by now frustration has gotten the best of him. Even Simon, who arrived the same day as he did, has managed to open up about about the struggle of his upbringing - his father dead, his mother drowning her grief in alcohol, leaving little Simon and his sister to deal with their loss on their own - and how the bullying in school has left its marks on him. If Alec were honest with himself he'd say he envied Simon for not struggling as much with _this_ as he does.

 

It's when Sarah, the last member of the group, has finished her story about dealing with her husband's passing, everyone save for Alec having given their advice and Doctor Rollins is about to end this session's activity, that Alec's heart rate quickens. And before he can even process what is happening his mouth opens at its own accord.

 

"Actually," his hands have grown even clammier as they are clinging to the fabric of his jeans like it's his last life-line, "if it's not too late I'd like to say something?" It comes out more as a question and he hates himself for sounding so unsure, like a child who asks the teacher to go to the bathroom after several others have already.

 

The six pairs of eyes that are suddenly set on him burn on his skin. He doesn't look up but he feels them anyway. If he'd avert his gaze from his knuckles - which have turned white by now - he'd see the surprised, yet pleased, look of Doctor Rollins and the proud smile on Magnus' lips.

 

"Of course."

 

Alec closes his eyes for a moment in an attempt to gather his thoughts, desperate to get the words out right. Why is this so hard?

 

"I -" he takes a few deep breaths, unable to rid himself of the feeling of everyone waiting for him so that they can continue with whatever is planned for today's session, "I don't know, my sister is coming this weekend and" he rubs his clammy hands along his black jeans, "this week hasn't gone really well. And I don't want her to think that I'm hopeless. She has done so much for me already, pretty much putting her life on hold to take care of her sorry ass of a brother." Alec huffs out a humourless laugh. "It's like I owe her."

 

He takes a moment to compose himself, glad that no one interrupts him, despite his silence.

 

"I need to get better so that she can as well. I'm not the only one who has lost his little brother." He rushes the words out, eyes growing wide. Did he really just say that?  He didn't mean to reveal this much. But at the same time it almost feels - good?

 

It does, in a very odd way. 

 

"Yet, I'm the only one who has fallen into a slump of self-pity" he continues wearily, eyes still trained on his hands, "and - and I think now that she has some time for herself she can finally focus on herself, and work through all - that."

 

His cheeks are flaming hot, his heart still racing as he waits for the reactions that are inevitable to come. It's still silent and he wishes he could say more but he has run out of words. Anxiously he glances up, not knowing what to expect, indicating that he is finished.

 

"Can I say something?" Magnus is the first to speak, that proud smile still tugging at his lips. Alec nods, be it a bit hesitant. Actually, he's glad Magnus is the one who speaks up. He trusts him. Magnus knows so much about him already and the past has proven for him to be one of those people who give actual good advice while taking other's concerns serious.

 

"You're not hopeless." The sincerity in those words isn't lost on Alec and he even musters up a small smile. "Having bad days doesn't automatically mean you're a lost cause. It may feel that way now but recovery takes a lot of time, unfortunately." He hears Magnus exhale softly beside him. "Recovery isn't something you can rush, it happens step by step. It helps me to remember that when I focus on the small progresses I have made already."

 

Alec shyly meets Magnus's eyes with the hope of his gratitude being mirrored in his look, since he suddenly finds himself unable to speak, too overwhelmed with the entirety of the situation.

 

"And I may not know your sister but if you truly think she expects you be fully recovered by now and you don't feel comfortable with her coming to visit, it is totally fine to ask her not to come." Magnus continues, nodding encouragingly, a kind smile on his lips.

 

"Do you think you could do that?" Doctor Rollins asks, before Alec can even doubt himself over the same words he'd heard coming from Magnus' mouth the week prior, when he'd actually cancelled on Izzy. He goes back to rubbing his hands over his jeans, searching for the right words to answer.

 

A part of him screams to just say 'yes', to change the topic and avert the attention from himself as quick as possible. But a different part, a more sensible part, of his tells him to seize the opportunity and be honest, now that he is at it already.

 

"I don't know," the more sensible part wins out in the end, "I've asked her to reschedule before. And it doesn't seem fair." He sucks in a shaky breath, too many thoughts at the same time running through his head. "She'd understand but -" he shrugs "she's the only family I have left. I don't want to shut her out." A low groan  escapes his mouth at the thought how contradictory this all is.

 

Izzy wouldn't think any less of him for not having recovered from such a traumatic experience in the span of 3 weeks. Rationally, he's well aware of that. Izzy has seen him during his worst. In no way would she be disappointed in him. She knows how big of a step it was for him to admit himself to hospital in the first place, though he has to thank her for arranging all that. But he accepted the help - something he has always struggled with - and that is a huge step in itself.

 

But then there is this, this expectation hanging over him like a dark cloud, telling him he needs to be better _now_ , for her.

 

 With his eyes closed and sweat running down his back  he tries to put his thoughts into coherent sentences, revealing more of himself than originally intended. It takes a lot out of him and he ends his explanation breathlessly, the heat in his cheeks never receding. 

 

"Mr. Lightwood, when was the last time you did something for yourself? And I mean _only_ for yourself."

 

The gears in his head start working and it comes as a shock that he can't quite remember the last time he did something to please no one else but himself. Standing up to his parents, coming out to them at the age of 18, then moving out a year later and eventually distancing himself from them as much as possible and changing his major. But that was ages ago.

 

The only things that pop into his head after his twentieth birthday are the occasional outings with Max which hadn't even been solely for himself but his brother as well. Yet they always meant a lot to him, especially since his parents weren't overly fond of him having that much influence on the youngest Lightwood (what if he'd convince Max to live the same 'lifestyle' as he?). But Alec had remained consistent, he loved (and still does) his little brother and he sure as hell had all rights to spend some time with him.

 

"Two years ago." Alec croaks out, the lump in his throat making it hard to speak. Surely his brain must have short-circuited, why else would he bring up a memory this painful? "Or when I came out to my parents and left all their expectations of me behind." He retracts, too scared that he might have to answer questions regarding what he did 2 years ago. In no way does he feel ready to do so. "That was 6 years ago."

 

Doctor Rollins nods, her face not giving away any kind of emotion. "I want you to do something for yourself, then. It doesn't always have to be something as big as coming out, of course." Her lips turn up into a small smile. "I want you to go over to that basket" she points her finger at the shelf where all kind of utensils are stored "and pick something you like and want to keep for the rest of our session. It can be anything, something you find pleasing to look at, something that gives you comfort holding, anything."

 

Her suggestion feels weird, like something you would tell a five year old who needs to be rewarded for his bravery after a not so nice visit at the doctor's. He gets up despite all that, his legs wobbly under his weight and his face beet red. His fingers are shaking as he sorts through the basket, putting a small wooden elephant, a weird looking pendant and a nicely rounded and smooth piece of wood to the side, all while the others' eyes are burning holes into his back. It just makes him want to grab something, anything to get back to his seat where he can disappear in the middle of them all. But that would ruin the intention of the task Doctor Rollins has sought out for him.

 

In the end he goes for the elephant, its surface is smoothed out while it's edges are still prominent enough and it's actually quite small, making it pleasant to hold, maybe to even fiddle with it.

 

Returning to his seat he feels the awkwardness dissipating a little as he catches the way Maia, Magnus and Simon are looking at him. He doesn't know what exactly he expected but pride and encouragement definitely wasn't it. The tension in his shoulders that has been there from the beginning eases  a little as he lowers himself back into the cushions.

 

Alec is glad when they continue with their session without him being the centre of attention  but as they go through different exercises he feels the exhaustion creeping on and finally setting in. Certainly the adrenaline has worn off by now and he is left with the aftermath.

 

 

They leave the therapy room together, Simon and Maia trailing behind a little, Magnus and Alec walking side by side in silence. Magnus nudges his side softly, "well done," he says lowly. Alec smiles, be it shyly, his eyes trained on his feet. There's warmth spreading through his chest and he's suddenly overcome with the need to pull Magnus into a hug because no word can convey the gratitude he feels for Magnus encouraging him to get out of his shell. He also wants to tell Magnus what a wonderful human being he is and how lucky he is for having met Magnus.

 

He does neither. He does however thank him and after a beat of silence he asks Magnus if he wants to meet in the music room after dinner. It's on impulse and for a second  he cringes at how forward that came out. He doesn't get much time to beat himself up about it, for Magnus smiles brightly at him as he tells him he'd love to.

 

The few hours until dinner Alec spends in his room, in almost the same position as he did the last few days - knees pulled up to his chest, facing the wall - exhaustion seeping through his every bone. At the same time he feels significantly lighter, it's a sensation quite odd.

 

Odd, because he still finds himself in that slump, despite that tiny spark of energy that had taken over him a few hours prior. It's like he is caught in between two doors - one leading to the normal day to day life and the other one leading straight to the dark abyss that consists of everlasting numbness and overall dark thoughts - and he can't decide which way to go. Also, he's lacking the energy to do so.

 

When it's time to go down to the dining hall, he contemplates remaining in the fetal position he has spent the past few days in and just blow off the meeting with Magnus. It's not like this would be the only chance of seeing the other guy.

 

His rumbling stomach, however, takes at least one part of the decision away from him and that's how he finds himself seated next to Maia and Simon while he silently munches on the tasteless eggs on toast that he has deemed safer than that unidentifiable soupy goo Raphael went for.

 

Alec tunes out the noise around him, focusing solely on his empty thoughts. It's like his head has been stuffed with cotton, making it impossible to grasp a single thought while it also muffles the world around him.

 

At some point, Simon addresses him but his words don't quite reach Alec. It takes Simon to bump his shoulder for Alec to look up and come back to reality.

 

He startles, almost knocks over the glass of water that is sitting on his tray, before he composes himself and turns to look at Simon.

 

"Sorry, what?"

 

"I said, that girl that was with you when you first came here was your sister, right? I first thought she was your girlfriend. But I was a little out of it, nerves and all, so I guess I didn't really pay attention." Simon hesitates, before he continues. "She seems nice."

 

Alec's face goes from confused, to offended, and protective in only a matter of seconds. A) why would anyone think of Izzy and he as a couple? Them being siblings just makes that thought alone super weird, and uncomfortable.

 

B) he's gay.  And while he doesn't necessarily fit the stereotype, being associated with anything straight is offensive to him at that particular moment (it all happens so quickly and he has struggled quite a lot with people questioning his sexuality, his parents telling him it's just a phase and that he'll 'go back to wanting to date women, once he has overcome it', that he doesn't even consider that Simon might be thinking of him as bi or pan).

 

"I'm gay." It's the first thing Alec blurts out, unable to keep the defensive tone out of his voice. Simon doesn't seem to mind though. He just nods. The rest of the table doesn't pay them much attention, and even if they overheard them, Alec doesn't care. He has spent enough time hidden away in the closet, only to grow into the proud gay man he is now. If people don't like him because of his sexuality, it's their problem and not his.

 

No one really shows any kind of reaction as Alec glances around the table. No one, save for Magnus who just smiles coyly as he locks eyes with Alec from a few seats away. Alec returns the smile, his stomach being all fluttery.

 

"And yes, that was my sister. Why are you asking?”

 

“Just out of curiosity.” Simon shrugs. Alec fights back the over-protectiveness, knowing that Simon didn't mean it _that_ way in the first place. And after all, not everyone approaching his sister is doing so with ulterior motives, unlike her shitty ex-boyfriend. Besides, Izzy is very much capable of taking care of herself when it comes to being a judge of character.

 

Alec takes a last bite of toast and excuses himself from the table as he throws a last hesitant smile Magnus's way, the minor interaction having exhausted him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus isn't there yet when Alec steps through the door of the music room and so he sits down on of the chairs. He'd contemplated cancelling on Magnus but there was – and still is - this strong want nagging at him that has given him enough energy and now here he is, waiting.

 

He glances around the room and his eyes land on the acoustic guitar that is still standing in its stand. He hasn't picked up his own guitar in ages, although playing has always given him some sense of calm and joy.

 

He stares at the instrument and it's like it's staring right back at him, whispering 'play me'. An offer so tempting, it's impossible to resist.

 

In an almost trance-like state, Alec gets up and grabs the guitar by its neck to place its wooden body on his thigh as he's back in the chair again.

 

He strokes his fingers over the strings before he puts them into position to play the first chord. His right hand is still in a brace but his thumb he can move freely so it isn't that much of a hindrance while playing.

 

He sticks to playing a few chords that match quite well together (as much as they can since it's a bit out of tune), the songs he learned to play some time ago lost somewhere in his mind. But it's pleasant anyway.

 

Alec is still strumming  the strings with his eyes closed, when Magnus comes in through the door. For a moment, Magnus leans with his back against the door and just watches Alec doing his thing, humming along softly.

 

Alec doesn't notice Magnus' presence until the latter clears his throat. Sheepishly, Alec stops playing, heat rushing to his cheeks. He hadn't planned on being caught strumming the guitar strings in an attempt to conjure up a melody.

 

"Please, don't let me interrupt you." Magnus says as he takes a seat next to Alec. Alec just shrugs.

"I didn't know you can play."

 

"Eh, you can hardly call that play." Alec shrugs again, not knowing what else to do.

 

"Nah, don't be so hard on yourself." Magnus' demeanour softens, "You seem to have quite a repertoire of expertise."

 

"Yeah, I don't know about that." Alec puts the guitar back in its stand, cheeks flaming hot. "I haven't picked up my guitar ever since Max - " he shudders at the slip up "in two years now. Do you play any instruments?"

 

Magnus seems to pick up on his discomfort and jumps his attempt of averting the attention off of Alec. He chuckles, "they don't really let you do that in the system. Though, there was this kid - Rick, I believe - who taught me how to play the Pink Panther Theme on the piano in music class. Besides, I think my talent lies more in the visual arts."

 

Alec smiles, his cheeks having returned to their natural colour. He has seen Magnus' drawings and paintings during art therapy. And to say they're good would be an understatement. That man is freakishly talented.

 

He wants to tell Magnus just that but somehow he finds himself unable to do so. So he just asks Magnus if he's still able to play that rather less complex piece, earning a chuckle from Magnus, who pushes the sleeves of the button up he's wearing up his arms, revealing bronze skin and well toned muscles that make Alec suck in a breath of air. Magnus waves Alec over, motioning for him to sit down next to him on the same piano stool.

 

Their shoulders brush together, the stool a little too small for the two of them to fit on it. But Alec doesn't care, in fact he finds it quite exciting to sit next to Magnus with such close proximity between them.

 

Magnus starts slow, caressing each key carefully. The melody doesn't come out right at first. There are a few bumps here an there, and Alec watches with fondness as Magnus scrunches up his face adorably with every wrong tune he plays.

 

It doesn't take him long though, to get the hang of it and soon he finds certainty in the melody, his speed picking up as he plays. Of course, it's not a piece of elegance. Yet, Magnus makes it seem like something composed by Mozart, or Beethoven.

 

At some point, Magnus stops, turning to face Alec, their noses almost touching., his deep brown eyes boring into Alec's hazel ones, with an intensity knocking all air out of his lungs. Alec can't help but let his gaze wander down, landing on Magnus's pink lips. It's just like the other day when they were outside, seeking for an escape from the hospital life, finding it in themselves. The electricity is the same – charged and sizzling around them, tingling on their skin. Alec swallows thickly.

 

For a short moment, he lets his imagination run wild, wondering what they would l feel like on his own, to get a taste of Magnus, the sensation of his skin against his own.

 

Before his thoughts get out of control, his eyes snap back up, meeting Magnus's again, who has shortened the distance between them ever so slightly, and it's a miracle their faces aren't touching yet. He watches as his eyes flicker from one eye to the other, down to his lips and back up again. The air has thickened between them, the electricity ticking up a notch, crackling audibly, sending a shiver down his spine. All while the butterflies in Alec's stomach are going crazy.

 

This isn't just a crush.

 

He's close now. So close that he can clearly see the pattern in Magnus' dark irises. They're interwoven, like flower petals artfully drawn around the dilated pupil, he thinks dumbly, his brain a fuzzy mess, unable to tell what's right and what is wrong.

 

Magnus is the first one snap out of it, pulling away abruptly. Alec blinks dumbfounded, reality crashing down on him like a wave of ice water. Magnus gasps softly, eyes wide.

 

The silence stretches on, Alec turning his mind over, eager to not let this become awkward - or more than it is already.

 

"I think I should go." Magnus says hoarsely, a flash of insecurity hovering over his face, his eyes revealing a mixture of fear and something Alec can't quite place. He nods numbly and watches silently as Magnus slips through the door, after he wishes him a good night with a voice that is so different from the usually so confident and strong one he is used to.

 

He stares at the door, minutes after Magnus has left the room, his mouth agape, frozen mid-motion. Unable to comprehend what happened he sits on the piano stool, his mind blank. Did he do something wrong?

 

Magnus was the one who closed in the space between them. He'd just reacted the same way Magnus had. He tries to shake off the ever returning self-deprecating thoughts and opts for the door, longing for a long shower.

 

As he lies in bed, the worries return, or better say become more prominent again, for they have never really left his mind. And it's almost sad that the only time his mind is not plagued by the painful memories of his past, it's because he's feeling like a fuck up, replaying the events of the night over and over again: the tension between Magnus and he, Magnus' eyes, how Alec was close enough to feel his breath ghosting over his skin, how they'd gotten closer, and Magnus pulling away, almost startled by what was going on, like he hadn't initiated what was happening.

 

His mind is a whirlwind of things he could have done wrong, when it hits him. Not every little mishap is his fault, unlike he's been taught to believe over the years. His thoughts take him back to one of the first group therapy sessions where Magnus had hinted at having been in an abusive relationship, and suddenly everything falls into place, and the penny drops.

 

The fear, the insecurity. Alec has no idea what exactly Magnus has been through - not that it is any of his business - but he knows the kind of marks a relationship like that can leave behind. And he in no way blames Magnus for the way he reacted.

 

At first, that realisation comes as a relief, but not even two seconds later, it saddens Alec. It's not pity he feels. Just sadness for Magnus, and anyone else for that matter. No one should be put in a position where the person one trusts most turns against them, uses them, and in the process makes them lose all confidence, and trust they once had in other people.

 

 

The next morning, Alec forces himself out of bed and into the dining hall, despite his appetite not having returned, as of yet. He notices Magnus sitting in his usual spot, his shoulders hunched forward, his dark hair hanging over his forehead. The dark circles under his eyes evidence for a night spent in the common room.

 

Alec gulps heavily, not sure how to approach him. He doesn't want things to be awkward between them. He doesn't want Magnus to feel pressured, wants to let him know that he understands.

 

With a casual "Morning" Alec falls into the chair next to Magnus, dropping the tray he'd loaded with the usual slice of toast, an apple, and a cup of watered down coffee, onto the table. Magnus greets him with a nod, a faint smile hovering over his lips, which only lasts a second before his face drops again, his eyes never meeting Alec's.

 

They eat in silence, the usual chatter filling the room around them. Unease settles over Alec. He wants to say something, anything to make the tension dissipate. But he simply doesn't know what. He forces the dry slice of toast down, lost deep in thought, hell-bent on making things right between them.

 

He's so lost in thought that he doesn't register Magnus clearing the table, mumbling a soft "later" under his breath before he leaves. When he looks up, the seat next to him is empty and Magnus is nowhere to be found.

 

Ugh. This week is being tough on him.

 

On his own, he walks up the stairs, eager to hide behind the walls of his room. He is done with the world for today. He reaches the first floor - ward 1 - and walks through the glass door, dividing the  hallway from the staircase. He has almost reached the door to his room, when he spots Magnus sitting on the carpeted floor, his back pressed against the wall.

 

Magnus looks like death, the halogen light illuminating the entire hallway highlighting the circles under his eyes. His shoulders are hunched forward, his head bowed down, and his hair falling over his forehead. Everything about this is so unlike the usually confident posture of his.

 

"Magnus?" Magnus' head snaps up as Alec approaches him, brows furrowed.

 

"Alec." Magnus breathes out, his voice all but a whisper. Alec gestures to the space next to Magnus, asking silently for permission to join him on the floor, his plans of locking himself away long forgotten. Magnus nods weakly and Alec lets his back slide down the wall until his butt hits the floor.

 

For a moment, no one says a thing. Alec is racking his brain, desperately trying to find the right thing to start with. There are so many things Alec wants to say. But first and foremost, Alec wants to apologise, and make it clear to Magnus that he isn't expecting anything, reassure him that what happened last night was a heat of the moment kind of thing, and that he understands. But where to begin with?

 

It's Magnus who breaks the silence between them, "I'm sorry for how I reacted. I panicked." His voice is still quiet and Alec has to do everything in his power not to reach out to him.

 

"It's okay. You don't have to explain, I understand." Alec's voice matches Magnus', though it has a certain firmness to it. Possibly, because this is the one thing Alec is 100% sure of.

 

"Okay." Magnus lifts his gaze, gratitude written in his eyes. Alec reaches out to him, this time he can't suppress the urge, placing his hand lightly over Magnus' which is resting on the floor between their bodies. He gives Magnus time to pull away, unsure if his touch is welcome. When he doesn't, Alec gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

 

The hallway is silent as they sit there, both relishing in each other's presence, the hardships of the last week falling off their shoulders. Of course they can't take away each other's problems, but with each other around, the struggles they're facing don't seem as overwhelming.

 

When Magnus moves his hand Alec expects him to pull away. He doesn't expect Magnus to turn his palm up, interlacing their fingers.

 

Warmth bubbles up in Alec's stomach, spreading upwards, settling in his chest. When Magnus squeezes his hand ever so slightly, Alec's heart threatens to jump out of his chest, hammering dangerously against his ribcage.

 

This feels right. Their hands fit together like two puzzle pieces, like all their life has led up to this very moment, finally uniting them.

 

Alec chances a look at Magnus, wondering if he feels the same. Their eyes meet, Magnus' having gone incredibly soft. The world around them comes to a halt, and the electricity from the night before is back, filling the space between them.

 

This time, however, neither of them moves forward, though everything in Alec screams to move closer and capture Magnus' lips with his. But they've just moved past this and Alec understands that this is something that needs time, something they can't rush.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Alec falls into bed that night with his stomach tied in knots. Izzy is coming tomorrow, right after breakfast. He'd decided to not cancel on her after hearing all the encouraging things being said in group therapy. A decision he now deeply regrets. Though he feels more secure than the week before, he still doesn't know how she is going to react to him, whether his recovery meets her expectations. Although, Izzy is probably the last person to expect him to have done a 180 in the matter of three weeks. Maybe it's just him, projecting on his sister.

 

You'd think more progress to be visible in his behaviour after having spent three weeks in a psychiatric hospital. But those three weeks are just the starting point of recovery. After having spent two years keeping everything to himself, Alec evidently needed those three weeks to learn to trust the people he is surrounded with 24/7, and to learn how to open up to them.

 

Despite the medication, sleep doesn't come easy to Alec. He tosses and turns, listening to Jace's rustling covers, followed by footsteps against the carpeted floor, and the door to the hallway opening slowly.

 

With everything happening, Alec has completely forgotten that Jace has to face his father the following day, if he hasn't decided against it. Jace and he haven't talked all that much after all and Alec figures Jace has someone else to confide in – most likely Clary.

 

The hours drag on and it's not until the red digits on Jace's alarm clock pass 3 that Alec finally drifts off into a fitful sleep.

 

 

 

_It's the day of Max's funeral. Alec hasn't slept all night, a mix of anxiety, disbelief, guilt, and utter sadness plaguing him._

 

_Izzy stayed over, sleeping right next to him in his bed, clinging to him. Alec can't say who needs the other more, him or Izzy._

 

_While she slept fitfully, Alec didn't even manage to keep his eyes closed for a minute._

 

_Images kept popping into his head, along with questions of what if. What if they had stayed home that day? What if they'd gone to the cinema instead?_

 

_The answer to those questions is plain and simple. It stings, and hurts in so many places, Alec goes rigid, his breath catching in his throat every time he thinks of it._

 

_Max would be alive._

 

_They wouldn't have to go to the funeral._

 

_There wouldn't even be a funeral._

 

_Max would go to school today, probably annoy their mother with one of his books._

 

_Alec would go and pick up Max, his little brother, to spend some time with him, listening to his rant about various fictional characters, take him out to maybe go to the park and have ice cream._

 

_Because that's what they do. Every Tuesday, Alec and Max spend some time together._

 

_Not any more._

 

_Because exactly two weeks ago, Max's life was taken away from them._

 

_It's the day of Max's funeral and Alec is standing in front of the big mirror in the hallway, trying to tie his tie with shaking fingers._

 

_He hasn't looked into the mirror properly in two weeks, but he knows exactly what creature is going to stare back at him if he does._

 

_He hasn't slept properly in two weeks. The image of Max bleeding out on the floor keeping him awake._

 

_And the screams of fear._

 

_And the gunshot echoing through his mind._

 

_And the bodies scattered on the floor._

 

_Izzy comes up behind him, her tight, black dress hugging her figure elegantly. They both know it's just a façade._

 

_Neither of them feel elegant._

 

_Without a word, Izzy reaches up, her steady hands tying the tie, her eyes clouded with sorrow._

 

_They don't speak all morning. Alec foregoes breakfast, knowing that he won't be able to keep it down for long._

 

_They share a look, communicate without having to say a single word, before they step out of the apartment and down onto the street where their driver is waiting._

 

_Alec doesn't feel anything. He can't recall the ride, just stepping out the door and suddenly he is standing in front of the church, bells chiming overhead._

 

_It's a catholic church. Of course it is._

 

_Izzy grabs his arm, clinging tightly to him as if to ground herself. Alec wants to do the same but can't bring himself to do so._

 

_Maryse and Robert Lightwood are standing in the church's imposing entry hall, a tight clipped smile on their mother's face. She looks paler than usual, her hair tied together in an updo._

 

_Their father stares absently at the holy water stoup opposite to them, his eyes grey._

 

_"Mother." Izzy is the one who speaks, Alec unable to use his voice without breaking down. "Father."_

 

_They shake hands, like it's business partners they're greeting, not their children._

 

_Then the guests arrive._

 

_They, too, shake their hands, sending their condolences, like that's going to change anything about the situation._

 

_Alec does his best to keep his composure, he does his best to smile politely, and say 'thanks'. But in his mind he is somewhere else. He doesn't even know where exactly. His thoughts are foggy, his vision blurry._

 

_He doesn't want to be here._

 

_Being here makes it real._

 

_The coffin at the altar makes it real._

 

_The mourning people make it real._

 

_He wants to go home, crawl into his bed, and forget everything for a while._

 

_But he can't._

 

_Because it's his brother they're burying._

 

_And it's his fault._

 

_He grabs his sister's hand as they walk down the isle towards the front. He forgets to kneel before entering the pew._

 

_His mother shakes her head. She's upset with him._

 

_Of course she is._

 

_He sits next to Izzy, holding her hand in his, clinging to it like it's the only thing keeping him alive right now._

 

_Maybe it is._

 

_The pastor speaks, sniffles and sobs sounding through the nave, bouncing off the decorated walls and high ceilings._

 

_Alec doesn't cry._

 

_His throat is clogged but he doesn't cry._

 

_He doesn't listen to what is being said either._

 

_It doesn't matter._

 

_Numbly he follows his family and the pallbearers outside, Izzy still holding his hand._

 

_Now it's her consoling him._

 

_At the graveyard, the far too small, black coffin is being lowered into the ground, all while the pastor sermonizes._

 

_Alec can't focus on the words coming out of his mouth._

 

_All he can think of is his brother being buried six feet under._

 

_They're at their parents' house now. The house they all grew up in._

 

_The funeral party has followed them here._

 

_Alec wants to go home._

 

_Max wouldn't even like this._

 

_His mother gives a speech, her eyes watery, her voice cracking._

 

_Alec has to leave the room._

 

_He can't listen to his mother talking about his little brother like he isn't there any more. He can't listen to her talking about his little brother like he is never coming back._

 

_Because that makes it real._

 

_Swallowing thickly, he splashes cold water into his face, the fog in his mind never seizing._

 

_He grips the edge of the bathroom counter, his knuckles turning white. His teeth sink into the skin of his lips, ripping it open, drawing blood._

 

_He can't deal with this._

 

_How is he supposed to deal with this?_

 

_Numbness is clawing at his heart. This is too much._

 

  _Then he finds himself crushing his sister against his chest, her sobs muffled against his dress shirt, his shoulders shaking._

 

_They're home again._

 

_Finally, he can let it out. Finally, he is away from all the prying eyes, loaded with pity._

 

_They crawl into bed together, neither of them able to sleep on their own. Not yet._

 

_While Izzy falls into a light sleep, Alec starts spiralling down._

 

_They buried him today._

 

_How is he supposed to live without his little brother?_

 

 

It's Jace who wakes Alec from this far too real dream of his. There are tear streaks trailing down his cheeks, his pillow wet. Alec uses his hand to wipe away the wetness on his face. His first instinct is to check his surroundings, ground himself in reality, find something to orient himself.

 

His eyes fall on Jace. He didn't know Jace back then. Jace is his roommate.

 

He's in hospital.

 

It's Saturday.

 

Izzy is coming to visit.

 

He jerks upright, getting to his feet, his knees shaking.

 

 This wasn't just a dream. It was a memory. A memory of the last time he has seen his parents, and of him saying good-bye to Max. Though his mind wasn't really present that day.

 

"You slept through breakfast." Jace's voice breaks through his thoughts. "I brought you some toast and an apple." He points at the desk on Alec's side where a plate is sitting, filled with the described breakfast foods.

 

Alec nods his thanks, his stomach becoming queasy at the mere thought of being filled, nervousness and the lingering sadness of the night having a hold of him.

 

* * *

 

 

It's still early when Isabelle closes the apartment door behind her, the sun is just slowly rising, shy rays peeking through the grey wall of clouds.

 

In the car, Izzy turns up the radio's volume. Considering she's going to visit her brother in hospital, her mood is surprisingly good.

 

She didn't tell Alec the few times they talked on the phone, but ever since she dropped him off, she herself started to struggle. Unlike her brother though, she is spared the night terrors and the crushing guilt putting an extra weight on his shoulders.

 

It was Jay who convinced her to make an appointment with the therapist she's seen twice already.

 

Now that Alec is finally getting the help he needs, it's also time for Izzy take care of herself, and grieve Max's death properly, without having to worry about Alec - as cruel as it may sound.

 

As she drives down the same highway she'd driven with Alec almost four weeks ago, she wonders what exactly it is that is awaiting her. Alec has always been good at hiding his emotions - especially the ones that could make him appear vulnerable, in his eyes - and while Izzy has always been good at reading her brother, it is hard to do so over the phone.

 

The first time he'd called he'd been in distress, that much she could tell. But all the other times? He'd been deflecting, letting her do all the talking, every answer to her questions regarding his well-being vague.

 

She doesn't expect him to be all healed up already, if that is even possible. But she hopes to maybe see the progress he has made already.

 

Not that she expects anything big.

 

She knows that would be fairly unrealistic.

 

But she also is happy to finally see Alec again, to spend time with him again. It's weird to not see him every other day. Over the past two years they have gotten even closer, while they, at the same time, grew more distant as Alec closed himself off more and more, until she could only barely reach out to him any more.

 

She'd urged him many times before to get help. But every attempt of reaching through to him had caused him to draw back even more. And so she had sat by, watching Alec crumbling in on himself until there was merely anything left of him.

 

It had been one of his last - and most intense - breakdowns that had caused her to take matters into her own hands. After his rage had seized and given way to sobs of desperation. She'd sat him down then, after he'd calmed down entirely, suggesting Idris hospital to him, knowing he wouldn't agree to anything too restrictive, all while an outpatient treatment might not be enough.

 

Obviously he'd agreed, though it was clear as day he didn't necessarily agree for his own sake, but for hers. At least he had agreed at all.

 

The yellow building looks exactly the same like it did when she'd brought Alec here, surrounded by tall, naked trees, the thin bushes lining the premises allowing passer-by's  to get a glimpse of the garden stretching out right behind.

 

With a deep inhale, Izzy steps out of the car she has parked in the exact same spot she had nearly four weeks prior and makes her towards the entrance.

 

She's not necessarily nervous about seeing Alec, more about the news she has. Though she isn't even sure if she should tell Alec about their mother trying get into contact again. She doesn't want to upset her brother even more and for all she knows it could set him back in recovery. But he deserves to know.

 

There is a different lady seated at the reception, not the friendly woman who kindly explained Alec and her where to wait. No, this one is rather grouchy as she tells Izzy to wait in the foyer before she picks up the phone on the desk, watching Izzy walk towards the seating area with a grim expression.

 

Izzy just sends her an overly friendly smile, not paying her negativity any mind. She too would not be in the best mood if she'd have to work a weekend shift.

 

The foyer is silent, apart from the clicking of heels against the tiles the foyer is tiled with, and doors falling shut on upper levels. That is when her nervousness picks up a notch. She isn't one to overthink things, not like Alec does, but the worry for her older brother is getting the best of her and she starts to ask herself questions she can't get the answers to, yet.

 

It takes two more doors being slammed shut somewhere in the building, and five minutes until Izzy sees her brother descend the stairs, his hair a wild mess, his entire posture making him smaller than he actually is - not to mention that worn out sweater he always wears on his particularly bad days.

 

Izzy swallows thickly at the sight of him. His struggle is obvious, even in his walk. And she has no idea if he has always looked this defeated, only she couldn't see it because she got used to it, or if this day is worse than any she has ever witnessed.

 

"Hey, Alec." Izzy gets out of the armchair, Alec's head snapping up, his lips pulling into a tentative smile.

 

"Iz." And with that she is being crushed into a tight hug, her face disappearing in the creases of the old sweater that is gives off the odour Izzy will forever associate with Alec. She inhales deeply, savouring the moment.

 

* * *

 

 

When they pull apart, tears are stinging in his eyes, and Alec has to do everything in his power not to break down here and then, right in front of his sister, the receptionist, and everyone who might be passing by.

 

In a matter of seconds he goes through an accumulation of emotions - relief, gratitude, shame, sorrow, and anxiety that has never quite seized since he went to sleep last night.

 

"Sorry, I slept in." Alec mumbles, gesturing for Izzy to sit down. "You want something to drink? Coffee? Water?"

 

"Coffee."

 

Alec uses the time he spends alone at the vending machine in the hallway leading to the gym to gather himself, sucking in heaps of air, tilting his face upwards as he blinks the tears away.

 

His throat doesn't feel as clogged any more as he carries the two cups back into the foyer, and the wetness in his eyes seems to have dissolved as well.

 

"What happened to your hand?" Izzy asks as she holds the cup in both her hands, her concern-filled eyes fixed on the brace sitting around his hand, holding his fingers in place.

 

Right. He hadn't mentioned his rage induced meltdown from the first week to her.

 

"I uhm, I had a little incident." Again, shame fills him and he uses his uninjured hand to rub the back of his neck, keeping his eyes down.  "But the brace will come off in about a week." Awkwardly, he shuffles in his seat, not liking the attention on him and his self-destructive actions. 

 

"How was the drive down here?" He wants to slap himself as soon as the words leave his mouth, what a stupid question.

 

"Alright?" She seems to agree with his thoughts, despite not having heard them. "How are you doing?" She keeps her voice casual but Alec knows she wants him to be real with her. But he can't do that. He still is drained from his dream, the sadness he felt always in the back of his mind, threatening to creep up on him and swallow him whole. Before he can even think about it, his walls go up and a fake smile is making its way onto his face.

 

"I'm good, glad it's the weekend."

 

It's not very convincing but if Izzy notices anything off about him, she doesn't let it show. "Yeah, tell me about it." She chuckles, her red lips giving way for her pearly white teeth. Alec listens as she rants about university and the internship she's currently doing at a hospital in the city. Alec is glad she understands his need for her doing most of the talking, sticking to every day topics.

 

The tension in his shoulders dissolves slightly as he listens to her calm voice, a sense of normality setting over him. She's still acting like his sister and, though he can tell the hospital setting is something they're both not used to in the sense that one of them is the patient with major issues,  it doesn't feel like anything has changed between them.

 

Though it's still early, and Saturday no less, the hospital becomes busier, patients, and nurses walking past them. Some of them are settling in the various seating areas and reading nooks that the foyer provides. They're waiting for visitors as well, Alec assumes.

 

"Do you want to go outside, maybe?" Alec suggests, once the foyer has become too crowded for him to remain focused on his sister's words. She nods and a few minutes later they're seated on the same bench Magnus and he have spent a fair amount of time on together.

 

"Mum called me earlier this week." Izzy breaks the silence once they're comfortable, fiddling with a strand of hair, staring ahead. And with that, Alec's entire body goes rigid, a new kind of tension taking over.

 

"Why?" He tries not to care. His parents have made it pretty clear that they didn't want anything to do with him any more, right after Max's funeral. An action that had led Izzy to do the same with them. Why would they suddenly bother contacting them?

 

"I don't really know." Izzy admits, her eyebrows furrowed. "She didn't apologize for anything. All she did was ask me how we were doing." Alec clenches his teeth, not sure if he wants his mother to know where he is. "I didn't tell her anything." Izzy is quick to add upon seeing his reaction. "I told her we're better off now that we don't have to put up with their bullshit any more. Then she broke out into tears and that's it."

 

"That's weird."

 

"Yeah, you could say that." Izzy glances up at him, her brows still creased. "Tell me about the other patients, you haven't talked about them at all." Alec is grateful for the change of topic, the thought of his parents, his mother in particular, only causing unnecessary pain.

 

"Hmm," he taps his finger against his lips, pondering on where to start, "they're all pretty nice. Jace, my roommate, and I get along quite well. It's like, I don't know, there's mutual respect?" It's hard to describe the connection they have built up over the course of the last three weeks. They watch out for each other, can tell when the other one has had a particularly hard day, and without invading each other's privacy, help each other out. But Alec wouldn't say they're particularly close

 

He uses his fingers, counting down all the other patients on his ward, giving his sister a small insight all while being careful, refraining from revealing too much, keeping in mind that most of the things he knows about them they told him – or the group - in confidentiality. And he doesn't want to betray them in any way, even if it's just his sister - the one person he would trust with his life.

 

"And then there's Magnus." Alec tries everything in his power to keep the smile stretching over his face at bay. But going by Isabelle's arched eyebrow, and her sly grin, he is failing miserably keeping his affection for the other man hidden. "We meet on my first night here, couldn't sleep and neither could he." At his sister's questioning look he adds, "you can spend the night in the common room, in case you can't sleep."

 

"He is in the same therapy group as I am, he encouraged me to open up more, he understands me without having  me reveal too much and…" Alec trails off, unable to word the amazing, caring character that is Magnus.  "I don't know," Alec shrugs his shoulders, "we have this nice balance I think. I listen to him, he listens to me, we understand each other's boundaries and he -" Alec breaks off, searching for the right words, "he makes everything seem a little easier. And I hope I do the same for him."

 

There is a moment of silence, then Izzy grabs his arm, squeezing it gently. "I'm happy for you. I know this is just the beginning. But I can tell already how much of an impact  those three weeks have had on you. And I'm incredibly proud of you." She pulls Alec closer, enveloping him in a tight hug.

 

The relief washing over Alec is overwhelming and has his eyes stinging as he buries his face in her shoulder, inhaling her all too familiar scent of flowery perfume and leather - thanks to the jacket she is wearing.

 

"What about you, though?" He asks, worry taking over his face, once he has pulled back. "How are you coping?"

 

"I'm good." Izzy tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, a sign that she is not as self-assured as she lets on. "I'm seeing a therapist now."

 

"Thank God." Alec breathes out, overcome by a wave of mixed relief and guilt. "I think I need to apologize for taking up so much time. I was so self-absorbed, and didn't even consider what you must've been going through. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, I'm sorry I couldn't be a better brother."

 

"No, _hermano_." Izzy is quick to interject, her voice kind but firm. "It's alright. I mean, I'm not going to lie, it wasn't always easy to look after you and I didn't always take as much care of myself as I should have. But we're working on that now, alright?"  Alec meets Izzy's eyes, determination written clear in the warm brown. He nods, convinced that their relationship has already shifted into healthier territory.

 

 

"You know," Alec speaks as he stares off into the distance, watching pillars of smoke rising from one of the far away chimneys into the grey sky, "I was actually worried about you coming here." He feels Izzy's eyes on him but can't bring himself to avert his own eyes back at her. He needs to get this out, these thoughts have plagued him all week, after all. And maybe it does them both some good if he addresses his struggles. And Izzy is his sister, so this should be easier than talking to a group of…not quite strangers but not friends either, at least not all of them.

 

"I was scared of your expectations." Alec explains, ducking his head. "I don't know, I thought you might think I'd be, I don't know, healed by now?" He shrugs.

 

"Alec." Her voice commands him to look at her, though it lacks any heat. "Like I've said before, I know that you need time, we both do. I can't even imagine what you've been through and I sure as hell won't expect all your wounds to be healed up in a matter of weeks." Her hand travels up to his shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. "I'm incredibly proud of you for taking this step in the first place."

 

Alec manages a small smile, his gaze dropping to his knees. "But you've lost a brother too." Is all he says. Because it is the truth. Yes, he had been there, had practically led Max to his death, but that doesn't mean Izzy can't be as devastated as he is.

 

"Yeah." Izzy breathes out and for a moment they sit there in silence, both staring out into the distance. But despite the heavy topic, Alec feels lighter. He doesn't remember the last time they have both been able to talk so openly about their emotions and worries - when Izzy had sat him down and urged him to get help, he hadn't opened up, he had just nodded or shrugged in response, barely able to give her his full attention, his mind elsewhere.

 

"We'll be okay." Izzy breaks the silence eventually, determination clear in her voice.

 

"We will."  And Alec knows it's the truth. It's going to be a long, hard journey for both of them. But in the end, it's going to be worth it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, the 'fight' between Jace and Alec seems kind of unnecessary at first but especially under those circumstances emotions are bound to explode and I think emotional distress makes us all do stupid things, and forget about all rationality. 
> 
> When I wrote the part where Alec opens up to the entire group I felt so proud? Opening up in a group setting like this isn't easy, especially when it's about something so personal. I took inspiration from my own experiences and I was kind of reliving some moments from my own time in hospital, struggling with group therapy a lot (social anxiety yay!).
> 
> if this chapter felt a little choppy, I'm sorry. It's not the chapter I'm proudest of but well... 
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading, your kudos and comments are extremely appreciated <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOT AN UPDATE (sorry) 
> 
> (NOT a declaration of abandonment either)

Hey there :) I just want to say real quick that I'm not abandoning this fic! Though, I can't really give you any information on an update. I haven't written more than approximately a thousand words ever since the latest update for various reasons, the main ones being my mental health with which I've been struggling quite a lot for these past months, dysphoria being a real bitch, and on top of that starting school, which is causing me a lot of stress.  
Since the fic is dealing with a lot of sensitive topics it's hard at the moment to not get too affected by everything happening, which makes writing quite a challenge. 

I do want to say though, how grateful I am for no one being rude about it, and instead asking in the most respectful way, without pushing, about any news concerning the fic. 

Thank you all so much. I am so sorry for having you wait so long and I hope I'll be able to get something out there as soon as possible <3 

(I'm also sorry for the misleading update email you probably got but I have no other way of reaching out to you. I hope you can forgive me)

**Author's Note:**

> Jace and also Magnus opening up so quickly might seem a bit out of character but mind you: Alec has just arrived while Magnus and Jace have been there for some time already. And learning to open up is part of the process (and crucial during therapy, though it might take some time).  
>    
> Alec might think not think any good of medication right now but that is about to change! There is nothing wrong with being medicated and it doesn't make you weak or anything like that!
> 
> The black outs Alec is experiencing are severe dissociations. As the story progresses it'll be touched upon and explained further. 
> 
> Also: the singing in the music room happened on my first evening at hospital and it was so overwhelming and one of the most beautiful experiences I've made so far 
> 
> If you've come this far, thank you! I hope you liked it :)


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